Thanksgiving and thankfullness

I can't believe I am actually up earlier than 7 a.m. and typing away at my blog on Thanksgiving Day.  We can blame it on my dear (although that's not what I called him this morning) husband who awoke at 4:50 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep so thought neither should I. Today of all days I need sleep the most as tonight I tackle the big task of Black Friday shopping.  I hate the crowds of people that start tonight and don't end until a week after Christmas when everyone has finally finished returning the gifts that didn't fit or that they didn't like.  If I can get all the shopping done in one 24 hour time frame I know that I will be fine the rest of the holiday season.  But it means braving many times rude, pushy, deal crazed people.  (Ok....I am deal crazed but not pushy and rude.)  Since we have no children of our own, why are we so crazed about getting a good deal? Because we had no children.  To have to shop only one day of the entire season and most of the time there are no children out on these overnight adventures makes the season geared towards family and little kids still believing in Santa a little more bearable.

Thanksgiving is about being thankful for those things that the other 364 we often take for granted. While I can't be thankful for the infertility that we struggle with, I am thankful for the opportunities that talking about the infertility has helped us to have.  I began this blog, I have begun researching and writing a book, I have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of others going through this same struggle, and I have even become a stronger person overall.  It still hurts to see someone else getting pregnant when we struggle still but I know that this year I am in a better place mentally than I was even last year.

Today I am thankful for all those supporters and all of you who read this blog. It's not necessarily my typically long blog post, but I think I can sum it all up in this one statement.  I am thankful for all the miracles in my life .

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Christmas vs. Infertility

About a week ago a local radio station started playing their round of Christmas songs...songs that will grace the radio from now until the day after Christmas.  As I rolled my eyes (I mean, really..it's not even Thanksgiving yet for another 5days!!!), I began to feel the pang of anxiety in my stomach, dizziness in my head, and a "cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching" coming from my purse.  That "cha-ching" was the sound our hard earned money preparing to leave our possession and join the ranks of all other tens and twenties in the registers of big box super stores this Black Friday.  While we have no children of our own for "Santa" to make his yearly voyage to, we still have to buy for every niece and nephew under the age of 18 in our family as well as our godchildren.  What does infertility have to do with all this and Christmas?

For those of us with infertility, it can be very difficult to celebrate the holidays.  Expectations are that we will attend, happily of course, every Christmas party and family celebration where each of the little kids will either be dressed in their Christmas bests or will have to sing or play on their "recorders"  (a flute like noisy instrument) their rendition of Silent Night or We wish you a Merry Christmas.  Silently we will sit at these parties, trying to avoid the consistent, "do you have any children," "when are you having children," or "how's it going trying to conceive" questions.  We attempt to sit at the back of the room, attempting to avoid having to have anyone see how writhing with jealousy we are over the parents of those kids playing the noisy and out of tune songs...jealous because we wish they were our children.  I even shop on Black Friday in order to avoid the hustle and bustle at Christmas time through the malls and stores, thus avoiding each parents who is still looking for that toy that their child so desperately wants.  To see them, knowing it isn't me who will see a child open a gift excitedly on Christmas morning.  Knowing it won't be us who share the "Night before Christmas" story or putting out the cookies and milk for Santa. (I've tried the cookies and milk thing and trust me when I say that Santa couldn't take the time to come down our chimney for these gluten free delights and almond milk we had set out for him. )

It's not just the gift giving and party going, even though every Christmas we walk home after these parties with a couple of Christmas gifts we receive even though we came with two laundry baskets and a large trash bag full of gifts to give. (I know its not about receiving, but the gift of giving thats part of the season.).  I would give up every materialistic gift in order to have the gift of a child instead.  As a Catholic, Christmas is about preparing the way for Jesus (symbolically) to be born.  While the original event happened thousands of years ago, we celebrate this occurrence on a yearly basis.  Today as I drove, I thought about what Christmas meant.  It was about this preparation.  Again the jealousy hit.

As I drove I began to think about Mary and Joseph, Jesus's parents.  I thought about the bible reading where the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, who was about to flee and leave Mary because she was pregnant with someone else,  other than his, child.  Basically, Joseph was a nervous dad.  Mary trusted God enough to say, "Ok...I will carry your son."  I was feeling jealous and yet a bit like Mary.  And my husband, ironically, has been feeling alot like Joseph.  While we aren't pregnant/expecting, my husband was nervous about the kind of father he would be and I was the one sitting back and telling God to "bring it on."  It is important to remember that these feelings are ok.  I truly believe that is why we hear these stories in the bible.  However, it doesn't help me feel any better about still being childless.

I think that I began thinking about all this because the stress of marking natural ovulation for once in my life (that in itself is a miracle of its own...)fell into the roll of trying to conceive and stress took over.  What if it worked?  How would we afford a child?  What kind of parent would I be?  I was reminded today in a Christmas song heard on the local Christian radio station that even Joseph was nervous.  This brought comfort.

So, maybe the timing wasn't right this time and maybe I will never ovulate or even conceive naturally on my own.  This month at least I had hope. Christmas is about hope. While I will sit at these parties and feel sadness in my heart, I also know that it will happen every year.  Maybe next year I will be there with my own son or daughter.  Maybe not.  Isn't that what Christmas is all about though?  A Miracle?  Christ was a miracle regardless if he would have been born the natural child of Joseph and Mary or the creation of God ,as his son, placed into Mary.  Either way, he was a miracle.

For all my friends out there wishing for a Christmas miracle, I will be praying for all of you.  For all those a little happier because they know their Christmas miracle is on its way and they will have him or her in their arms by this time next year, I pray for the miracle in your womb.  For all my friends and family who have their miracle I ask you to hug your miracle a little tighter this season and be grateful to the Creator for being given this precious gift.

As we head into the Christmas season, I am thankful for each of you reading this and traveling this journey with us.  Don't forget, Believe in Miracles.

A Family Affair

Many of you who are Facebook friends of mine recently saw my endless post about my great Aunt Alice who passed away.  In our lives we are often only ever given a handful of people who impact our life so tremendously that to live our life without them in it is almost unimaginable. My Aunt Alice was one of those people.

By society's standards she didn't do anything outrageous and amazing.  In my standards she did extremely amazing things.  She taught me about life and what's the most important thing about it.  Aunt Alice was raised in the great depression.  She once said that she always thought that the only place that you got bread and milk was the local fire station.  It wasn't until she was about 9 years old that she found out there were stores that you got those same items at.  While she was frugal, she wasn't a miser.  She gave to charities as well as family and loved to travel.  I believe that she has been to almost 50 countries in her lifetime.  She was a devout Catholic who volunteered her services to her church, museums, and charities.  While those are all great accomplishments, her greatest accomplishment has been her family.  How Aunt Alice lived was how she raised her children.  Now grown adults with children and grandchildren of their own, it is evident that her surviving children are also spitting images of her generosity and caring.

So, what does this have to do with infertility and my journey with it?  As I stood at that back of the living room at my Aunt's house after the funeral and I watched my cousins, new acquaintances and my family sharing with each other I heard the West Virginia accented voice of my Aunt Alice speak into my ear, "It's all about family...focus on family."  What did this mean?

In dealing with infertility it isn't uncommon to feel frustrated when you are around others with children and babies.  I didn't feel that at this funeral.  I was overwhelmed with the sadness of the loss of my Aunt Alice.  As I grieved her loss, I feared that I wouldn't have this wonderful similar situation when I was older and had passed on.  Who would bury me?  What if my husband died before I did, who would I have left?  And I even found myself praying and talking to my Aunt Alice asking her and invoking her to take my desire to have a child to God.  She has been an amazing role model as a mother.  While at first I thought maybe it was just the hospitality of West Virginians, I realized that my Aunt wouldn't have raised her children any other way then to be generous, hospitable people....especially to family.

Infertility is really a family affair.  If you struggle with infertility and feel alone, know that you don't have to.  My cousins have been the stronghold of my not giving up hope.  While I grieved at the casket, the funeral, and the cemetery, my cousins reminded me as did the priest saying the funeral mass that we would one day see her again.  Hope.  Hope that we will see each other again.  Hope that all will be well.  My family, while sometimes say or do insensitive things, still have hope for me.  All in all I know that they hold out hope for my husband and I that we will still have a family of our own someday.  I must still hold out hope.

My Aunt Alice was my stronghold of hope.  During one of my visits to her she and I sat on her back patio and watched the hummingbirds and the morning traffic across the river.  As we sat and enjoyed the morning air and each other's company and talked about how it is that we can determine what God's plan is for us, she told me one of the pieces of advice that I will never forget and that I now pass on to you all.  It was simple.

"You just have to believe."

Would you like some Cheese with that Whine?

I was reading back on past posts I have done.  This post today marks #20 for me.  Never did I think that after two months I would still be blogging about infertility and that it would have become so successful.  (well...in my eyes it being viewed at least 2000 times is somewhat successful...).  While I should be happy and usually my posts give a positive twist to difficult situations, my post today and how I am feeling is anything but happy or positive.  Today is one of those very difficult days. 

This last month was the last month we could afford to do any trigger shots (for those non-infertility treatment peeps out there, a trigger shot (usually HCG) helps in folllicle maturation and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follices.).  I even had begun taking supplements that are known and proven to increase fertility in many women.  Soon I was ingesting meticulously the soy isoflavones, Vitex, and Maca. I thought I felt a difference.  I started using OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kits) to tell me for sure when I was ovulating after the trigger shot, and when all I had was a faint faint line and never got anything strong, I proceeded to plan the baby dance...aka love making.  Then the two week wait. I felt sick to my stomach a few days after the baby dance took place.  Could it be?  Could it have happened this time?  Everywhere around me signs were pointing to yes!  I really thought it could be this time.  We could be mommy and daddy finally!   Then October 31st happened.

Right on the nose for the first time in 20 years, my monthly visitor came on time. (This may be TMI for some of you...).  "Oh well," I thought  "there is always next month."  I wasn't that upset that day.  Or even the next day after that.   No...it didn't hit me until 4 days later.   A realization hit me: there isn't always next month.  I am 38 1/2 years old.  Who's to say that my "next months" weren't possibly when I was in my mid to late 20's and early early 30's.  I mean, come on...I recently read about another Infertility Support Groupie who only after 3 years finally achieved pregnancy.  It's been 8 years, 5 months, and 10 days since we started trying.  That's 101 failed cycles.   101 times of never seeing two lines on a pregnancy test.  101 times to suffer heart break.   If you ever wanted to know what it feel like to be a failure, 101 failed attempts puts you right there in it.

Grey days suck.  Grey days are those kinds of days where nothing seems to go right and even though the sun may be out outside, over and in your head there is nothing but grey skies.  Today is my grey day.  Today is the day I want to shout out, "F*** You, God!!" and yet I know it won't do me any good and I really don't mean it...I just need someone or something to blame. (Yeah...and after getting upset with God a couple weeks ago, that same night I ended up with an instant inset of a fever (that lasted 3 1/2 days) and severe tonsillitis).

Yes...today I am whining.  Somedays we gotta do that.  Why not today?

I know it won't last forever, but I think that sometimes we all, infertile or not, have the right to this kind of day.  Sometimes we just need to vent, scream, curse, etc.  We need to get it out.    So...I apologize ahead of time for the rants, curse words, or if you cut me off on the road today even a flying middle finger.  Today is my day.  It's all about me today.  Tomorrow can be about you.

Hey...it seems that has helped my grey cloud a bit.  Now I just need to go grab some cheese to go with my whine.