Birthday Wishes

When the alarm clock went off this morning the last thing I wanted to do was actually get out of bed.  I was dreading going to work because as usual, I anticipated that once again they would rush out at the last minute when they realized it was my birthday today, get a card and whatever cheesey gift could be purchased at the local drugstore.  I imagined that today of all days  I would fell more alone than anyone could feel, regardless of the fact I have a husband, siblings, and parents alive.  Yes...today is my birthday.  But not just any birthday.  It's my 39th birthday.  The birthday before the big "OMG you are how old?" 40th birthday.  I know that I will feel each minute for the next year tick away slowly and reminding me that I am indeed hitting a milestone.  So many people have messaged me when they saw on my Facebook account that I was having a birthday today that 39 was not that old.  Normally this would be true.  In fertility years it means I am one step closer to menopause.  It means that my biological clock is about to explode.

For the last several years, everytime I was lucky enough to have a cake with candles on it that didn't start a small forest fire,  I wished to have a child as I was blowing out the candles.  But here I sit still with nothing.  Part of me hoped that this year would be the year....that maybe I would have a positive test on my birthday.  Instead, I am left with uncertainty.  An uncertain pregnancy test.  Did I see a very very very faint second line or is it all in my head because I want it tht much?  Did I test too early?  So, again its just a waiting game.

And yet the birthday I thought would suck the most has not been such a bad birthday...even with the unknown in front of me.  Glimpsing at my Facebook page I was amazed at how many people took the time from their day to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It amazed me.  It was authentic.  It meant alot to me.  Most of all, I didn't feel alone.

To all those of you who have wished me a happy birtday I say thanks you.  Once again my birthday wish this year as I blow out the candle on my gluten free cake will be the same...to one day hold a bundle of joy in my arms.  Until then I gotta keep believing in miracles.

The Waiting Game

One of the first lines of the Celine Dion song, "A New Day Has Come" says,

                                                   "I was waiting for so long
                                                    For a miracle to come
                                                    Everyone told me to be strong
                                                   Hold on, and don't shed a tear"

So often I feel like my life has been one large waiting game.  And here, once again, I am in that 2 week wait, hoping and praying that in a little over a week from now there will be two lines on the over the counter pregnancy test.  The worst thing of it all is that this Sunday is Mother's Day.  For many of us "Infertiles" (as so often dubbed), it is the worst day of the year.  It's a reminder to us that we are inadequate...or at least that's how we feel.  Sure we all have a mother and we can celebrate them.  However, nothing is worse than the feeling in my heart I get after hearing how all my friends and family that have children celebrated Mother's Day or what they got.  Is it about a gift or card or flowers?  No...it's about hearing someone say "Thank you Mom" or "I love you Mommy."

The two week wait is the worst!  For those of you who have experienced the two week wait, you know that your mind starts playing tricks on you and while you try not to hope that it will finally be a big fat positive, it still ruminates and sits in your entire being.  You start to think that every twinge means it for sure will be negative or for sure will be positive.  You deal with depression on the days your mind tells you that it has to be negative and you feel nothing but giddiness on the days you think that this time it just has to be positive.  Tears flow on and off like a broken faucet.

Waiting is hard.  It's even harder when its at this time of the year.  It has been difficult for some time because not only because of it being mother's day but rather because every year, Mother's Day is only a couple of days before my birthday.  This year I will be 39.  (I hate even typing that number!)  My biological clock is so loud now that I can barely think about anything else but wanting to become a mom.  Waiting.  I sit here and wait.

Strength is not one of my strong characteristics this week or ever this time of year.  As Mother's Day approaches I ask you all to do one favor.  As you go to your Mom's home (or aunt or grandmother who raised you) or celebrate your life as a parent (whether a mother or a father if you are one...) I ask you to take a few minutes to say a little prayer for all those of us struggling to make it through that day.  And pray for those who have lost a mother at this time.  I am fortunate that both my parents are still alive and I am grateful for my Mom and Grandma.

This is not my typical blog but it was something on my mind as I wait.  I haven't given up.  I still believe in miracles.