I haven't written on here in almost a month. It's hard to believe how time has flown by! One of the things I have learned through our journey with infertility is the need to be patient. And patience is the last thing in the world that I am often able to do. What I have learned most this last month is to take each day one day at a time. This is a necessity when on the infertility journey.
Just a day after my birthday last month (May 15th for the inquiring minds....) our hopes of being pregnant that month were dashed. I had actually ovulated on my own for the first time really ever that month. I remember doing three different ovulation test kits that month just to make sure that I had really seen two lines on the test. When the 15th came and I had hoped to maybe find out I was pregnant on my birthday, it instead turned out to be negative. Big Fat Negative. The next day, the monthly visitor reared her ugly head. But I ovulated. What a miracle this was! Where I normally would have been upset that I wasn't pregnant I was relieved that I finally ovulated. This month we are in the two week wait as once again ovulation occurred. Another miracle. I had begun to wonder if last months occurrence was a fluke when once again the OPK (ovulation predictor kits) came up with two lines and the ovulation twinges in the ovaries occurred. One day at a time...
Sometimes taking each day as it comes helps us to let go of the anxiety and the desire to control things ourselves. I am a control freak...I will admit it. I hate it when things don't come in my time or when I planned it. Maybe part of what I am learning most is to let go and relax...enjoy each day as it comes. As I watch family and friends who have children or recently have had children, I am reminded that children grow up and once a child enters your life, your life is never the same.
My goal for this next year is to work on accepting each day as it comes. I want to be pregnant and have children more than anything in the world. My heart aches because of this desire. Today, though, I will live as today. I will work at enjoying each day of this two week wait before the next home pregnancy test. While each day I think that maybe this time it worked and that maybe this time there will be two lines on the pregnancy test, I at least have hope each of these days. A renewed hope that a couple months ago left me ready to throw in the towel. Today I continue to believe in miracles because miracles are possible today if only I take it one day at a time.
