Without seeing...

"I never thought I could fall in love without ever seeing with my eyes.  I never knew my soul could feel the way it does about someone not even of my own flesh and blood."

A few weeks ago if you told me that I could love a child that wasn't my own flesh and blood as if it was my own I would have dismissed you and your ideas.  However, now I would agree.  My husband and I have been talking in the past about becoming licensed as foster parents with an intention to adopt.  Several of my posts have in the past touched on this idea.  With vigor in our step we are racing to get all the paperwork and classes completed in order to get it down sooner rather than later.  Recently we fell in love.  We fell in love with a child even before having the opportunity to meet that child.  Our hearts were smitten.  For a few moments we completely forgot about our infertility struggle.  Only for a few moments.

I won't take this time to talk about the child, who they are, or anything of that matter as it is too soon to dwell on it and the privacy of all parties involved is important.  Someday...someday, if and when all has culminated into my husband and I having this addition to our family legally, then and only then can and will we share about some of that part of the journey.  At that point it shouldn't matter anyways as they will be legally our child...our son or daughter.  Rather, I choose to use my post today to talk about this role in our infertility journey.

I think I need to clarify things.  I've spent alot of time thinking these last few weeks about adoption, foster care, and our infertility.  Just because we have the opportunity to possibly adopt doesn't mean that I have forgotten completely about my infertility.  Likewise, we didn't fall head over heals for this child because of our infertility as some as you may think.  We fell head over heals because the time was right.  We fell head over heals because God made it possible for it to happen.  This child doesn't serve as a substitute for a child of our own.  Rather, this child becomes and is a part of our heart from the start.  Even if it didn't work out for us to adopt this child, we know now that it is possible to love that greatly and to live such a warming and full life.  We had been warned to guard our hearts so that if it didn't work out that it wouldn't hurt so bad.  But if you guard your heart you can not fully give and accept the love that a parent needs to have.  While we speak as if our hearts are guarded, we know deep down that we couldn't block the heart from totally accepting this child eyes and smile and love into it. 

Our biggest road block thus far has been negativity by a few individuals in our life.  The positive I have received from their negativity is a strength beyond anything I ever thought imaginable.  We have chosen to fill our life through this process with positivity.  I have spoken throughout my blog about the importance of believing in miracles.  Negativity creates an obstacle to believing in the positive.  It creates an inability to believe that miracles are possible.   Recently when I got depressed thinking that this kind of miracle couldn't happen to and for us because we don't get miracles, I was reminded by a friend that part of believing in miracles is believing that they can happen and that they can happen to us.

The journey of infertility is long.  Adoption doesn't make us any less infertile.  Adoption isn't a cure to infertility.  For us though, it is to road that is opening our eyes and our hearts to the possible.  It is the road that is opening our eyes to miracles. 

Don't stop believing in miracles.  I won't.  You can't.  Together we will continue to walk this journey hand in hand, educating others in the pain and struggle we endure, all while hoping for miracles to come out way.  Believe in Miracles.

When Tears Stream...

July 4, 2011.  Its a day that will forever be in my memory.  For most people, July 4th marks a day full of cook outs and family fun.  On that fourth of July, my life was anything but fun.  My husband and I had just come back the day before from a wedding of a relative. I had spent alot of time that weekend feeling invisable.  Invisable because we were one of the only childless couples in attendance at that wedding.  Invisable because even the in laws paid attention more to their grandchild that was there and left us out of doing things with them and other families with kids.  We were forgotten about.  We were invisable.  And inside I was hurting over yet another negative pregnancy test.

On that fourth of July I sat and cried.  Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them.  I shook.  I rocked back and fourth.  I even tried to get my husband to leave me alone that day and go down to the lake house to spend time with his family.  I wanted to be alone. Yet there was fear inside of me about what I would have done had I been all alone.  I was depressed.  I was that depressed.  There was once again someone announcing they were expecting on Facebook or in an email.  There were pictures of new born babies being sent to my email from people not realizing just how it was hurting me and impacting me.  I wanted to ease the pain.  Alcohol couldn't give me any relief...it just made me more depressed.  I couldn't stop sobbing.  I couldn't understand why me....why us.  Others just wanted me to forget about having a child.  Others said to me that maybe it was God's way of telling me I wouldn't be a good mother or that maybe all I would be able to have were defective children.  I couldn't get thoughts like that out of my head.

It was also on that night that my husband wrapped me in his arms and told me that he wasn't giving up...and he wasn't going to let me give up either.  And he let me cry...and shake...and rock.  And he wiped my tears and made me pull myself together and leave the house that evening.  He made me take my first steps out the front door and keep living life.

I want nothing more than to be a mom.  To have a child of mine and my husband's.  I felt like a failure.  I felt flawed.  How could I consider myself a woman if the parts of my physical body that made me a woman didn't work?  No one I knew at that time understood.  No one could walk with me and put their arms around me and tell me it would be ok.  I was alone.  I was invisible.

In the year since that day...that day that I will never forget...I have gained a strength I never knew I would or could even have.  I met a group of others going through that same journey as me on Facebook.  I met others who cried those same tears I was crying.  I have yet to meet any of them face to face yet their support every single day helps me through this journey.  It was because of them that I started this blog. They gave me the courage to move forward, wake up each day, and to not give up.  They remind me to always believe in miracles....even when I feel like giving up.

I write this blog not just for me but for every single one of them.  I write this blog out of hope that if it helps even just one person today or tomorrow or a year from now and keeps them from giving up, then every word I type is worth it.  Every part of my life shared is worth it.

I wear my Believe in Miracles bracelet not just for me.  I wear it for every single person who struggles with this painful lonely journey.  I am not alone.  I am part of a bigger sister and brother hood.  I won't stop believing.  I will wake up each day, put on my shoes, and walk out that front door and face each day. 

When tears stream down you face, I will be there.  Don't stop believing in miracles.