Standing at the starting line

Here it is, June 2013.  I still wait.  I stand here once again at the starting line on the road to trying to make our dream of having a family come to fruition.  I have been standing here for what seems like that last 10 years.  In reality I have been standing at the starting line of many different roads.  Each time we headed towards the finish line we have been sidelined.  Never really seeing the end in site.  Every time we stand there at the starting line my confidence wains a little more each time.  Will we meet their standards?  Will we pass the home inspection?  Are we good enough or are we too flawed?  Why do we keep even trying?  I try not to lose hope.

 

With our  most recent foster child placement a little over two months ago we felt hope. A baby in the house can do that to you. We have soon realized though that no matter how many times we tell ourselves that this child is temporary, it doesn't take the pain away when it gets closer and closer to a time when they will go home to whatever birth family there is.  I spent the time bonding with this child when there was no one.  I stayed up the late nights and through the nightly feedings, the tremendously stinky and dirty diapers, the withdrawals from whatever drug was in their system.  And because they are too young, they will never remember me a year or 10 years from now.  They will not remember when they are 18 that, for a time, I was their mommy.  I was their comforter.  I will not feel their hugs for the rest of my life.

 

Temporary sucks.  It's hard as hell.  I want my permanent forever child. Yes....I do know that saying "I want" is selfish.  I spent these last 10 years praying for a family saying "God willing," and "I would like..."  I just need it to be time to be able to say, "I want," and not feel selfish for wanting to be a mom.  To see the pain in my husband's eyes as he knows that this one will not be our forever child and how much he loves him is almost unbearable.

 

Unless you have walked in these same shoes you might not fully understand what this feeling is like.  We are a childless couple that wants nothing more than to be parents.  We have endured the roller coaster ride of fertility treatments.  We have made difficult choices to forgo IVF or IUI or even embryo adoption because our Catholic faith tells us its wrong.  We have had to accept the realization that no matter what we do we will never conceive a child on our own.  We have now even endured a full year of disappointment at the hands of DCS always finding some long lost family member or giving the foster children back to a family member because they meet the minimum standards requirement needed in order to have the child when we are held to a much higher standard as Foster parents. 

 

Every morning I pray.  I pray for a miracle.  For ten years I have prayed for a miracle.  Every day, every year, every minute I hope for a miracle.  And I still believe that miracles are possible.  I still wait for ours.

 

Pray for us.  Pray that we may experience the feeling of bringing home our own forever child.  Pray for strength and perseverance through this time.  And pray that finally the starting line that we are at is the one that we get to actually cross the finish line at.  Believe in Miracles.

 

 

 

 



Breaktime

Yes....I know its been over a month and a half since I last wrote.  When I last wrote on this blog we had just gotten our two foster kids.  Call it parenthood by fire.  After having never had a child in our home other than nieces and nephews, having two and one being three and the other being a baby, we had our hands full.  Every last second was spent as a family.  We even "forgot" about trying to conceive on our own as we tried to do everything we could do to stay awake past 9 most nights!  Now, so much has changed.  Two weeks ago our foster children went back to their birth family.  It was a short lived but very busy time that they were with us and no our life and home found itself empty again.  You'd think we'd "hop" to trying to conceive again.  Wrong.

 

 

A week and a half ago (two days after the foster kids went home) my Grandmother...who had been my best friend, my mentor, my lifeline, my everything...passed away.  My entire life came crashing down and still sits in a stage of rubble.  She had longed to someday hold and see my child....the child I could never give her because of this stupid lousy messed up thing in me called Infertility.  Sure, she has other great grandchildren and even a great great grandchild that she knew was on the way but I could never make happen the one thing she spoke to me of so often.  She truly believed that she'd see me have a child someday.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make that happen.

 

 

So....I decided its breaktime.  It's time that I not think about getting pregnant and having a child.  Right now I need to grieve.  Her passing left such a hole in my life that I can't move beyond it right now.  I can't think about charting and taking my temperature and looking for signs of ovulation.  Its time for a break.  Right now I can only make it through an hour or a minute at a time.  Grieving is a process and I need to give it its time without limitations.  My biological clock is ticking...this I know.  At this moment all I can do is let it tick.  I don't know when I will be done grieving let alone what tomorrow will bring so I will live in only today.

 

 

I am sure there will be more foster kids that we get called about but the first two that we were blessed to have in our home, even for the short time of a month and a week, will be the ones that had our heart the most.  The smile of the little guy every morning as he awoke ready to start the day through the eyes of a 4 month old.  Or the energy that the princess had throughout the day and the thoughts and questions out of her mouth.  These are the things that I will remember the most and miss the most.

 

 

I will still blog.  Maybe in a month or two I will be ready to start trying again.  Maybe not.  It's all a part of this path called infertility.  I won't stop believing in miracles and today I am not only wearing my bracelet but the one my Grandma had and had worn as well with the same saying.  For now its breaktime.