Yes....I know its been over a month and a half since I last wrote. When I last wrote on this blog we had just gotten our two foster kids. Call it parenthood by fire. After having never had a child in our home other than nieces and nephews, having two and one being three and the other being a baby, we had our hands full. Every last second was spent as a family. We even "forgot" about trying to conceive on our own as we tried to do everything we could do to stay awake past 9 most nights! Now, so much has changed. Two weeks ago our foster children went back to their birth family. It was a short lived but very busy time that they were with us and no our life and home found itself empty again. You'd think we'd "hop" to trying to conceive again. Wrong.
A week and a half ago (two days after the foster kids went home) my Grandmother...who had been my best friend, my mentor, my lifeline, my everything...passed away. My entire life came crashing down and still sits in a stage of rubble. She had longed to someday hold and see my child....the child I could never give her because of this stupid lousy messed up thing in me called Infertility. Sure, she has other great grandchildren and even a great great grandchild that she knew was on the way but I could never make happen the one thing she spoke to me of so often. She truly believed that she'd see me have a child someday. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make that happen.
So....I decided its breaktime. It's time that I not think about getting pregnant and having a child. Right now I need to grieve. Her passing left such a hole in my life that I can't move beyond it right now. I can't think about charting and taking my temperature and looking for signs of ovulation. Its time for a break. Right now I can only make it through an hour or a minute at a time. Grieving is a process and I need to give it its time without limitations. My biological clock is ticking...this I know. At this moment all I can do is let it tick. I don't know when I will be done grieving let alone what tomorrow will bring so I will live in only today.
I am sure there will be more foster kids that we get called about but the first two that we were blessed to have in our home, even for the short time of a month and a week, will be the ones that had our heart the most. The smile of the little guy every morning as he awoke ready to start the day through the eyes of a 4 month old. Or the energy that the princess had throughout the day and the thoughts and questions out of her mouth. These are the things that I will remember the most and miss the most.
I will still blog. Maybe in a month or two I will be ready to start trying again. Maybe not. It's all a part of this path called infertility. I won't stop believing in miracles and today I am not only wearing my bracelet but the one my Grandma had and had worn as well with the same saying. For now its breaktime.
