Would you like some Cheese with that Whine?

I was reading back on past posts I have done.  This post today marks #20 for me.  Never did I think that after two months I would still be blogging about infertility and that it would have become so successful.  (well...in my eyes it being viewed at least 2000 times is somewhat successful...).  While I should be happy and usually my posts give a positive twist to difficult situations, my post today and how I am feeling is anything but happy or positive.  Today is one of those very difficult days. 

This last month was the last month we could afford to do any trigger shots (for those non-infertility treatment peeps out there, a trigger shot (usually HCG) helps in folllicle maturation and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follices.).  I even had begun taking supplements that are known and proven to increase fertility in many women.  Soon I was ingesting meticulously the soy isoflavones, Vitex, and Maca. I thought I felt a difference.  I started using OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kits) to tell me for sure when I was ovulating after the trigger shot, and when all I had was a faint faint line and never got anything strong, I proceeded to plan the baby dance...aka love making.  Then the two week wait. I felt sick to my stomach a few days after the baby dance took place.  Could it be?  Could it have happened this time?  Everywhere around me signs were pointing to yes!  I really thought it could be this time.  We could be mommy and daddy finally!   Then October 31st happened.

Right on the nose for the first time in 20 years, my monthly visitor came on time. (This may be TMI for some of you...).  "Oh well," I thought  "there is always next month."  I wasn't that upset that day.  Or even the next day after that.   No...it didn't hit me until 4 days later.   A realization hit me: there isn't always next month.  I am 38 1/2 years old.  Who's to say that my "next months" weren't possibly when I was in my mid to late 20's and early early 30's.  I mean, come on...I recently read about another Infertility Support Groupie who only after 3 years finally achieved pregnancy.  It's been 8 years, 5 months, and 10 days since we started trying.  That's 101 failed cycles.   101 times of never seeing two lines on a pregnancy test.  101 times to suffer heart break.   If you ever wanted to know what it feel like to be a failure, 101 failed attempts puts you right there in it.

Grey days suck.  Grey days are those kinds of days where nothing seems to go right and even though the sun may be out outside, over and in your head there is nothing but grey skies.  Today is my grey day.  Today is the day I want to shout out, "F*** You, God!!" and yet I know it won't do me any good and I really don't mean it...I just need someone or something to blame. (Yeah...and after getting upset with God a couple weeks ago, that same night I ended up with an instant inset of a fever (that lasted 3 1/2 days) and severe tonsillitis).

Yes...today I am whining.  Somedays we gotta do that.  Why not today?

I know it won't last forever, but I think that sometimes we all, infertile or not, have the right to this kind of day.  Sometimes we just need to vent, scream, curse, etc.  We need to get it out.    So...I apologize ahead of time for the rants, curse words, or if you cut me off on the road today even a flying middle finger.  Today is my day.  It's all about me today.  Tomorrow can be about you.

Hey...it seems that has helped my grey cloud a bit.  Now I just need to go grab some cheese to go with my whine.