What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Along the path of our journey in life , through whatever we encounter whether its fertility issues or other issues, we are faced with challenges.  Challenges that push us to our edge.  Challenges that turn the stress nob up just a bit higher than we feel we can handle.  Challenges that we aren't quite sure we can even make it out of.  Of recent, my life has been one of those challenges.

A few years back we were up to our elbows in debt.  We had put all our fertility treatments and other medical bills on our credit card and had pretty much maxed it out.  We didn't have enough money to pay bills and we risked losing so much.  We ended up taking out a large loan from a family member.  This loan has been having to be  paid back to the bank they got their loan out of for the last 6 years.   6 years of barely being able to pay our bills but life still moving forward.  Right now we are a couple months of payments away from having it paid off.  But our money to pay the other normal monthly bills is almost non-existent.  Once that loan would be paid off there would be so much relief.  Our bank account would actually have money in it after the normal monthly bills are paid (i.e. mortgage, gas, electric, etc.).  We wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would actually be able to eat three meals a day instead of skipping meals and sacrificing so that my husband would have food.  Right now, until the loan is paid off, I can't even consider eating let along by some of the essentials like milk and other foods.  We both work and our income doesn't alot for us to get any assistance.  It's  real struggle.  Sometimes I just want to sit down in the grocery store aisle and cry.

Throughout this loan we've been still trying to conceive on our own.  No luck. It was probably a good thing.  Our stress levels have been so high these last few years that we are probably lucky to even be together still.  They say finances and money issues are the thing that leads to most divorces.  It hasn't been easy.  As I now reflect back on how we made it through the last 6 years,  I can only look to the sky and blame that on a higher power.  I know that the higher power I believe in has a greater plan for us.

What is that greater plan and why do we have to struggle so much before we sometimes know what that plan is?  I obviously don't have the answers to that question or else I would be a millionaire by now and not having to struggle like I am.  What I do know is that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Because of the challenges financially that we have struggled through, I know how to be much much more frugal, crafty, and disciplined.  Because of the infertility struggles and the brick walls we have hit I have become much more willing to talk about our struggle and hopefully helping others through theirs.

Someday we will look back at the struggles that we have walked through and smile that we made it through them.  We will look at those struggles and think, "Hey!  That wasn't so bad!  I made it through it and I am still breathing!"  While knee deep in it it's hard to see that or even believe there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't give up hoping and believing that your miracle can happen.  Today we celebrate the 6th birthday of a miracle in our family.  My sister suffered through infertility much like I do but with different circumstances.  She had several miscarriages but never gave up hope.  She never said never.  She kept believing even through the pain and struggle of the miscarriages, failed IUI after failed IUI and the years passing.  My nephew was conceived naturally without any fertility treatments.  He had been conceived around the time my grandfather had passed away.  I look at my nephew and see hope.

I am not giving up hope.  I am continuing to believe that miracles can happen.  I wear my "Believe in Miracles" bracelet and know that I will some day be a mom.  But I also know that its most important that I go through the struggle so that I see the beauty of the miracle and the grace in the struggle when its all over.  The greatest thing is that I don't have to go at it alone.  I am blessed with several friends who will walk on water to help.  And I them.  Remember, even through the struggle you aren't alone...regardless of the struggle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Believe in miracles.

Facing our Giants

Driving down a rural back road one day almost a year ago I saw a sign on a little church that read, "God grant me the courage to challenge my giants."   When I got home that day I grabbed a piece of chalk and wrote that on the key hook chalkboard in my kitchen.  Everyday when I grab my keys I am reminded of that saying.  I have yet to erase it off the board as I believe that we need to be reminded of that everyday.

I know it's been a few weeks...well...over a month..since I last blogged on here.  Stress, fatigue, and just not wanting to deal with any of the fertility stuff anymore fell my way even though I was still yearning internally to have my own child.  I made excuses for why I couldn't blog and just kept saying to myself, "I'll do it tomorrow." Tomorrows turned into more tomorrows until finally I looked at myself in the mirror one morning and told myself that I needed to face these giants.

What does it mean to  "face our giants?"  Giants are those things in our life that are large or enormous or that we feel weigh on us heavily.  For me, my giant was getting through the last couple of months with all sorts of people having expectations of me that I could no longer handle keeping up with.  My giants are the feelings I have inside about possibly never being a mother and looking at the future without giving up  hope.  My giants also consisted of trying to keep it all together and be a peacemaker.

It's very important that regardless of whether we are dealing with infertility or not that we face our giants.  By not facing the giants I was dealing with I was falling further and further behind.  I found myself staring at a blank screen as I tried to continue working on my book.  I found myself becoming cynical about things that weren't going my way.  I even became bitter about some things. 

Facing our giants doesn't mean that everything will 100% of the time go our way.  Rather, by facing our giants it helps us to reach for those goals we set for ourselves.  Instead of sitting back and taking things easy, reach high!  Take risks!  If you don't you will never know what you could have done or what could have been.  One of my husband and my favorite movies is called "Facing the Giants."  Its a Christian movie that came out a few years ago about a man and the football team he coached.  He was not living his life facing the giants, rather he was trying to control everything himself.  He nearly lost everything.  Instead he risked it all and give it all to God, trusting that God would provide.  Sometimes trusting in another person is the hardest thing that we have to deal with.  How do we let go of control?  How do we not want what we want in our time as opposed to someone else's time?  It's all a part of taking risks.

I have read recently about some friends who deal with infertility who are talking about giving up.  It seems as though all the blocks are stacked against them.   Maybe their spouse's sperm count is non existent or they have failed cycle after failed cycle of IUI or IVF.  They don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because these giants are blocking that light.  I have been there. I have seen that the tunnel light was blocked....until I walked up to the giant and faced it head on....and continue to face it head on.  Someday, I will be able to move beyond that giant and fully see the light.  For now, I keep tackling what I can tackle.  My life is not perfect...it's nowhere near it.  But I am reminded that I can't give up.  I need to take the risks.

Risks aren't without their trials and tribulations.  No one ever said life would be easy.  I have sat many of times and fumed with jealousy over friends who were achieving what I hadn't yet achieved such as great success financially or career wise  or in the case of infertility, have achieved a pregnancy and have their "family."  Recently someone reminded me of the bible parable that Jesus tells about the three servants who received money from their master to keep safe.  Two of the servants went and risked the money only to double and triple it.  The third servant buried it to keep it safe.  When the master returned he was pleased to see that the two servants took the risk and they were rewarded.  The third servant who buried the money was reprimanded and wasn't rewarded.

What does this story have to do with my life?  I often times start to take the easy road or the less risky path when I am given something.  I tend not to risk....especially when faced with a giant.  This parable reminds me that we must face the giant and we must take the risk otherwise we will not have the reward.  If you are one of the people dealing with infertility about ready to give up having a family, don't give up.  Figure out a new path to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Face the giant. Above all, don't stop believing in miracles.