Don't ignore...

I close my eyes each night, hoping when I awaken the next morning that the nightmare of infertility will have only been just that...a nightmare.  The medications that cover the bathroom counter top, the pregnancy test and ovulation kit boxes that litter the cabinet below it like a volcanic eruption, and the "X" that marks off each day in red that yet another day has gone by in this cycle leading to likely another big fat negative on the over the counter pregnancy test.  It's been 9 years this May.  I have infertility.  I can't ignore that fact.  It runs through my brain like a turtle trying to make it to the finish line of a race...it's constantly in slow motion serving as a constant reminder.  9 years.  108 cycles.  Over 3240 nights of waking up hoping that it would all be over.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week.  It happens every year. So, why is this year so different?  This year, individuals like myself are coming out from behind our tear stained bed sheets and from only our little online support groups and standing up.  We don't want to ignore our infertility anymore, hoping that it's only a nightmare that we hope to wake up from.  WE are acknowledging it.  WE are taking ownership to it.  And We are seeking support for it.  I may be one of 7.3 million people affected by infertility, but I am not alone in this fight.

Please DON'T IGNORE us.  Walk with us on our infertility journeys.  So many of us live our lives hiding behind a wall of sadness as we look forward to a future and can't see beyond the pain of living childless.  We fear coming out from under the comfort of blankets and letting others know we suffer from this.  We fear the words that hurt us like knives stabbing us over and over again..."just relax," "just adopt," and "having children isn't what its cracked up to be."

DON'T IGNORE our Pain.  It is real.  It isn't in our head.  We can't just get over the desire to be a mother or a father.  Nothing fills us more than that desire to be called "Mom" or "Dad" and hold that miracle in our arms.  Don't ignore us when yet another positive pregnancy test results in a miscarriage.  Or another pregnancy test is a negative.  Or when we have to turn our head away to hide the tears streaming down our face in the grocery store as we see another smiling woman rubbing her pregnant belly.

DON'T IGNORE the video we posted on our Facebook or Twitter accounts just because you don't think Infertility affects you.  It's not just my disease.  It is your disease too!  Infertility will not just go away.  You can't hide it under the bed or in a closet.  It's real.  I am real.  I am one.  And I will keep speaking out about it.

DON'T IGNORE my feelings.  Words hurt.  Mother's Day and Father's Day hurts.  I may have a mother and a father but I may never know what it feels like to be appreciated in that way.  I may never receive a hand written card from my child telling me how much they love me...my child may never exist.  That love may never exist.   I desire to be a parent.  Don't tell me to move on or say that maybe that's the way God wants it.  You aren't God.

I question every decision I make.  "Am I taking the right vitamins, eating the right food, seeing the right doctor."  Medical bill after medical bill arrives in the mail, developing into a mountain of expenses and frustration over finances. My spouse and I argue over the expenses and finance.  Please try to understand.  How do you say "enough is enough" when you heart longs for something that comes so easily for others?  I have feelings.  I have emotion.  Don't ignore them.

I am fighting everyday a battle.  An emotion, physical, and spiritual battle.  It shakes us to the core.  But I will not be defeated.  I will fight back.  I will not ignore my desire to be a mom.  I will not ignore this infertility.

Walk with us.  Post about infertility and how it affects you.  Don't be afraid or sit behind the comfort of your computer screen and not become involved.  I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says, "Believe in Miracles."  I don't give up hope.  I believe in miracles.  Walk with me on my journey.  I may be one.  But I am not alone.

I Am One

I am One.  I am 1 in 8 couples that experiances and lives with infertility.  I am one person who can stand up with my voice and be heard.  But I can only be heard if you listen.  If you listen and you pass the message on, then one of the other 1 in 8 couples might hear and find the support they need.  Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week.  It's a week I wish didn't have to exist, but it does.  This year, on this week, I will stand up and speak every day so that others might hear.

As I think about this week I think about the first blog entry I wrote last fall.  A year ago, I might not have stood up and have been willing to make public this journey we are on.  A year makes a difference.  I have learned alot this year.  I have learned that if  I want the world to change I must stand up and help it change.  I learned that what I go through today in my life may not be what I will go through tomorrow.  And most of all, while I am one, I am not alone.

7.3 million people suffer from infertility.  That's an astonishing number.  7.3 millions people may times suffer through their infertility in silence?  So why are there so many people trying to hush those of us standing up and speaking about our struggle?  Why are we being blamed for our infertility when it many times has nothing to do with what we did or didn't do?  Unless we stand up and speak up we will only remain nothing more than a rock in the dirt.  Rock's don't move unless picked up and tossed.  If we are afraid to speak because others might find out we are dealing with infertility and we are afraid they will place judgement on us, then we will only continue to struggle without relief.  This pertains to not just infertility...it is about any issue that affects our life.

I am One.  But I am one who believes that miracles are possible.  Just because they haven't happened to me doesn't mean that they won't happen. 

Today is your wake up call.  Are you going to just sit there and let the numbers rise.  Are you going to let us sit in silence?  You don't have to suffer from infertility to stand up.  You are reading this, right?  You've gotten this far in my rambling on and you are still reading this.  You may not suffer, but you read my suffering and the suffering of my friends.  So please, my plea today is that you help spread awareness.  Facebook it...Twitter it.  Wear a "Believe in Miracles" bracelet or any other infertility awareness bracelet.  Wear teal all week long.   Sport a ribbon.  Blog about it.  Please....help me raise this awareness.  Help us 1 in 8. 

You are One.  Believe in Miracles.

Butterfly Kisses

There is a Native American legend that says that if  you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. When you release the butterfly it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted.  While grilling supper last night I had the privilege of being joined by not one but three painted lady butterflies.  Sure, it's spring and bugs and butterflies are starting to abound but this was different.  We don't have any flowers or anything attractive to butterflies where they came.  They just came there and perched.  Some of you might not see this as anything special, but for me, this was a sign.

A few days prior to the three butterflies making their appearance I had gone to the graves of a couple of friends who had passed away and asked them to ask God to give me a sign.  These weren't just any graves though...they were the graves of three Sisters.  (For you non-Catholics think "Nuns.").  As I stood a the graves visiting and speaking to each one, I asked them to give me a sign that everything will work out.  I asked them to help me know that I will be a mom and that my hopes and dreams will work out to make that possible.  It wasn't until those three butterflies appeared in my back yard on the dry as a bone bird bath that I realized that was my sign.  You see, one of the sisters was a strong believer in butterflies.  I even have one of the butterflies that used to hang in her room in my bedroom and the butterfly tattoo on my back is in her honor and memory.

If I could have caught it and whispered my wish, I would have done so.  Unfortunately it took running down several concrete steps in my back yard to even get close enough before they flew away.  Those who know me know that my middle name isn't exactly "Graceful."  This, out of necessity to not be on crutches for a third year in a row, instead I talked to the butterflies and spoke my wish to them.  It wasn't long before they took off flying...the three together.  Will my wish get to the Great Spirit?  I don't know.  But I can't help but feel better having seen those three butterflies.  No longer did I feel alone.

The journey of infertility can lead many people to feel all alone, regardless of the amount of people that they have in their circle of support.  Watching other people announce their pregnancies or even their children's birthdays have been difficult again.  Even hearing about a friend who was able to get pregnant without trying who I always thought I would get pregnant before shattered my spirit.  I needed that sign I received.  I asked...I received.

So now, I ask for specifics.  A friend last week stated in a post that once she began praying for her child by name, she got pregnant.  I had never thought of praying by name.  Let me take that back...I had never prayed for my future child by name because it was more difficult and painful in case God said no.  Since last week I have begun praying by name for my future children.


"God...please bring into creation and into our life, our Lukas Joseph Jerome or our Elizabeth Sue Josephine." 

Some of you reading this post may think that I am being superstitious or that I am so desperate for a child that I would do anything to make it possible.  In a way, yes.  In a way, no.  If these things I am doing help me to hold on to hope that someday I will hold my child in my arms, then I will continue to do them.  Otherwise, how do you hold out hope?  How do you keep hope alive? 

I hope that someday I will be able to tell my child(ren) about the butterfly story as a story of hope and that their momma knew everything would be okay because the butterflies came and took her wish to the Great Spirit.  I can't give up hope.  I Believe in Miracles.