Butterfly Kisses

There is a Native American legend that says that if  you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. When you release the butterfly it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted.  While grilling supper last night I had the privilege of being joined by not one but three painted lady butterflies.  Sure, it's spring and bugs and butterflies are starting to abound but this was different.  We don't have any flowers or anything attractive to butterflies where they came.  They just came there and perched.  Some of you might not see this as anything special, but for me, this was a sign.

A few days prior to the three butterflies making their appearance I had gone to the graves of a couple of friends who had passed away and asked them to ask God to give me a sign.  These weren't just any graves though...they were the graves of three Sisters.  (For you non-Catholics think "Nuns.").  As I stood a the graves visiting and speaking to each one, I asked them to give me a sign that everything will work out.  I asked them to help me know that I will be a mom and that my hopes and dreams will work out to make that possible.  It wasn't until those three butterflies appeared in my back yard on the dry as a bone bird bath that I realized that was my sign.  You see, one of the sisters was a strong believer in butterflies.  I even have one of the butterflies that used to hang in her room in my bedroom and the butterfly tattoo on my back is in her honor and memory.

If I could have caught it and whispered my wish, I would have done so.  Unfortunately it took running down several concrete steps in my back yard to even get close enough before they flew away.  Those who know me know that my middle name isn't exactly "Graceful."  This, out of necessity to not be on crutches for a third year in a row, instead I talked to the butterflies and spoke my wish to them.  It wasn't long before they took off flying...the three together.  Will my wish get to the Great Spirit?  I don't know.  But I can't help but feel better having seen those three butterflies.  No longer did I feel alone.

The journey of infertility can lead many people to feel all alone, regardless of the amount of people that they have in their circle of support.  Watching other people announce their pregnancies or even their children's birthdays have been difficult again.  Even hearing about a friend who was able to get pregnant without trying who I always thought I would get pregnant before shattered my spirit.  I needed that sign I received.  I asked...I received.

So now, I ask for specifics.  A friend last week stated in a post that once she began praying for her child by name, she got pregnant.  I had never thought of praying by name.  Let me take that back...I had never prayed for my future child by name because it was more difficult and painful in case God said no.  Since last week I have begun praying by name for my future children.


"God...please bring into creation and into our life, our Lukas Joseph Jerome or our Elizabeth Sue Josephine." 

Some of you reading this post may think that I am being superstitious or that I am so desperate for a child that I would do anything to make it possible.  In a way, yes.  In a way, no.  If these things I am doing help me to hold on to hope that someday I will hold my child in my arms, then I will continue to do them.  Otherwise, how do you hold out hope?  How do you keep hope alive? 

I hope that someday I will be able to tell my child(ren) about the butterfly story as a story of hope and that their momma knew everything would be okay because the butterflies came and took her wish to the Great Spirit.  I can't give up hope.  I Believe in Miracles.