Birthday Wishes

When the alarm clock went off this morning the last thing I wanted to do was actually get out of bed.  I was dreading going to work because as usual, I anticipated that once again they would rush out at the last minute when they realized it was my birthday today, get a card and whatever cheesey gift could be purchased at the local drugstore.  I imagined that today of all days  I would fell more alone than anyone could feel, regardless of the fact I have a husband, siblings, and parents alive.  Yes...today is my birthday.  But not just any birthday.  It's my 39th birthday.  The birthday before the big "OMG you are how old?" 40th birthday.  I know that I will feel each minute for the next year tick away slowly and reminding me that I am indeed hitting a milestone.  So many people have messaged me when they saw on my Facebook account that I was having a birthday today that 39 was not that old.  Normally this would be true.  In fertility years it means I am one step closer to menopause.  It means that my biological clock is about to explode.

For the last several years, everytime I was lucky enough to have a cake with candles on it that didn't start a small forest fire,  I wished to have a child as I was blowing out the candles.  But here I sit still with nothing.  Part of me hoped that this year would be the year....that maybe I would have a positive test on my birthday.  Instead, I am left with uncertainty.  An uncertain pregnancy test.  Did I see a very very very faint second line or is it all in my head because I want it tht much?  Did I test too early?  So, again its just a waiting game.

And yet the birthday I thought would suck the most has not been such a bad birthday...even with the unknown in front of me.  Glimpsing at my Facebook page I was amazed at how many people took the time from their day to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It amazed me.  It was authentic.  It meant alot to me.  Most of all, I didn't feel alone.

To all those of you who have wished me a happy birtday I say thanks you.  Once again my birthday wish this year as I blow out the candle on my gluten free cake will be the same...to one day hold a bundle of joy in my arms.  Until then I gotta keep believing in miracles.