Remembering

As I glanced at the last few posts that I wrote on this blog, I realized that I hadn't written in over a month.  Our lives have been filled with happiness and a variety of other emotions as we have been preparing for the dreaded Home Study in order to get our licensure to be Foster parents. With our goal of having a family our focus right now we have begun to rid our home of the things that bogged us down.  I mean, really...so many of us want to lose weight and make other changes in our life but never get to it until we are forced to for some reason, right?  For us it was the collection of 9+ years of clutter and old memories that really aren't even memories anymore as we had forgotten why we even kept something from that 9 years ago.  Regardless of what it is we have to declutter our live in order to make room for new memories and room for a child.  So why then do I hold on to the old feelings of frustration and failure as I look at my life and my inability to conceive?  Why can't I rid that in my life?

 

I was re reminded of the pain of infertility and my own challenges and failings in my life with the announcement of yet another person I know finding out that they were pregnant...without even trying.  I have tried for so long.  I have let go and said "if it happens, it happens," and I have even resolved to the idea that a foster or adopted child would still be my child irregardless.  However, I still remember the feelings and the pain of my infertility.  I remember the pain when someone else who has struggled from infertility announces their pregnancy and then proceeds to talk about the wonderfulness of pregnancy for 9 months.  The wonderfulness that I will never experience.  I remember the pain when my cycle goes from being somewhat normalized for several months to now being nearly 50 days in, hopeful that maybe I will see a plus sign this month only for the hopes to be dashed with test after test coming back negative.  I remember what it feels like to feel all along once again...even though I know there are people out there on my friends list or even followers of this blog that are going through the same thing or similar experiences as me.  I remember as I try to maintain intimacy with my husband how these moments still will be unfruitful and we will not multiply.  I remember it all.

 

It was just over a year ago that I first started this blog.  I am proud of where it has gone and I hope that it continues to keep growing and going forward.  As I read back on some of my past blogs I remember the emotion, the stories, the events even that prompted those posts. These memories I will not clear from my life.  They are part of my life that I can't toss away.  I recall most recently being asked on the Foster Care Licensure Family inventory a question regarding infertility that asked how we had dealt with infertility is that was an issue.  It even hinted to the idea that they wanted to know how we had "gotten over" the issue or resolved it.  As I sat and thought about it I came to the conclusion that you never truly get over infertility.  It sticks with you the rest of your life...regardless if you are trying for your first, your second, or your third.  Infertility is a horrible thing regardless.  While I have grown from these experiences and not the same person I was a year ago, I will never be able to throw this journey away like the clutter I got rid of at my home.  I have met many people who go through the same things I have.  If I hadn't had this journey I probably wouldn't have met the person who has brought us to this point of foster care and adoption and the potential for our family to become a reality.

 

I haven't stopped believing in miracles.  I glance at this bracelet on my wrist at least a hundred times a day and each time I stop and say a prayer...whether it for me, one of my many friends on this same journey, or for the child that we hope someday will be ours. My journey isn't over.  Even after 9+ years of trying to conceive, our journey to our family becoming a reality is still at the beginning.  For today I will keep looking at this bracelet and those words and remember where and why they came to be.

 

Don't stop believing in miracles.