Don't ignore...

I close my eyes each night, hoping when I awaken the next morning that the nightmare of infertility will have only been just that...a nightmare.  The medications that cover the bathroom counter top, the pregnancy test and ovulation kit boxes that litter the cabinet below it like a volcanic eruption, and the "X" that marks off each day in red that yet another day has gone by in this cycle leading to likely another big fat negative on the over the counter pregnancy test.  It's been 9 years this May.  I have infertility.  I can't ignore that fact.  It runs through my brain like a turtle trying to make it to the finish line of a race...it's constantly in slow motion serving as a constant reminder.  9 years.  108 cycles.  Over 3240 nights of waking up hoping that it would all be over.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week.  It happens every year. So, why is this year so different?  This year, individuals like myself are coming out from behind our tear stained bed sheets and from only our little online support groups and standing up.  We don't want to ignore our infertility anymore, hoping that it's only a nightmare that we hope to wake up from.  WE are acknowledging it.  WE are taking ownership to it.  And We are seeking support for it.  I may be one of 7.3 million people affected by infertility, but I am not alone in this fight.

Please DON'T IGNORE us.  Walk with us on our infertility journeys.  So many of us live our lives hiding behind a wall of sadness as we look forward to a future and can't see beyond the pain of living childless.  We fear coming out from under the comfort of blankets and letting others know we suffer from this.  We fear the words that hurt us like knives stabbing us over and over again..."just relax," "just adopt," and "having children isn't what its cracked up to be."

DON'T IGNORE our Pain.  It is real.  It isn't in our head.  We can't just get over the desire to be a mother or a father.  Nothing fills us more than that desire to be called "Mom" or "Dad" and hold that miracle in our arms.  Don't ignore us when yet another positive pregnancy test results in a miscarriage.  Or another pregnancy test is a negative.  Or when we have to turn our head away to hide the tears streaming down our face in the grocery store as we see another smiling woman rubbing her pregnant belly.

DON'T IGNORE the video we posted on our Facebook or Twitter accounts just because you don't think Infertility affects you.  It's not just my disease.  It is your disease too!  Infertility will not just go away.  You can't hide it under the bed or in a closet.  It's real.  I am real.  I am one.  And I will keep speaking out about it.

DON'T IGNORE my feelings.  Words hurt.  Mother's Day and Father's Day hurts.  I may have a mother and a father but I may never know what it feels like to be appreciated in that way.  I may never receive a hand written card from my child telling me how much they love me...my child may never exist.  That love may never exist.   I desire to be a parent.  Don't tell me to move on or say that maybe that's the way God wants it.  You aren't God.

I question every decision I make.  "Am I taking the right vitamins, eating the right food, seeing the right doctor."  Medical bill after medical bill arrives in the mail, developing into a mountain of expenses and frustration over finances. My spouse and I argue over the expenses and finance.  Please try to understand.  How do you say "enough is enough" when you heart longs for something that comes so easily for others?  I have feelings.  I have emotion.  Don't ignore them.

I am fighting everyday a battle.  An emotion, physical, and spiritual battle.  It shakes us to the core.  But I will not be defeated.  I will fight back.  I will not ignore my desire to be a mom.  I will not ignore this infertility.

Walk with us.  Post about infertility and how it affects you.  Don't be afraid or sit behind the comfort of your computer screen and not become involved.  I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says, "Believe in Miracles."  I don't give up hope.  I believe in miracles.  Walk with me on my journey.  I may be one.  But I am not alone.