Birthday Wishes

When the alarm clock went off this morning the last thing I wanted to do was actually get out of bed.  I was dreading going to work because as usual, I anticipated that once again they would rush out at the last minute when they realized it was my birthday today, get a card and whatever cheesey gift could be purchased at the local drugstore.  I imagined that today of all days  I would fell more alone than anyone could feel, regardless of the fact I have a husband, siblings, and parents alive.  Yes...today is my birthday.  But not just any birthday.  It's my 39th birthday.  The birthday before the big "OMG you are how old?" 40th birthday.  I know that I will feel each minute for the next year tick away slowly and reminding me that I am indeed hitting a milestone.  So many people have messaged me when they saw on my Facebook account that I was having a birthday today that 39 was not that old.  Normally this would be true.  In fertility years it means I am one step closer to menopause.  It means that my biological clock is about to explode.

For the last several years, everytime I was lucky enough to have a cake with candles on it that didn't start a small forest fire,  I wished to have a child as I was blowing out the candles.  But here I sit still with nothing.  Part of me hoped that this year would be the year....that maybe I would have a positive test on my birthday.  Instead, I am left with uncertainty.  An uncertain pregnancy test.  Did I see a very very very faint second line or is it all in my head because I want it tht much?  Did I test too early?  So, again its just a waiting game.

And yet the birthday I thought would suck the most has not been such a bad birthday...even with the unknown in front of me.  Glimpsing at my Facebook page I was amazed at how many people took the time from their day to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It amazed me.  It was authentic.  It meant alot to me.  Most of all, I didn't feel alone.

To all those of you who have wished me a happy birtday I say thanks you.  Once again my birthday wish this year as I blow out the candle on my gluten free cake will be the same...to one day hold a bundle of joy in my arms.  Until then I gotta keep believing in miracles.

The Waiting Game

One of the first lines of the Celine Dion song, "A New Day Has Come" says,

                                                   "I was waiting for so long
                                                    For a miracle to come
                                                    Everyone told me to be strong
                                                   Hold on, and don't shed a tear"

So often I feel like my life has been one large waiting game.  And here, once again, I am in that 2 week wait, hoping and praying that in a little over a week from now there will be two lines on the over the counter pregnancy test.  The worst thing of it all is that this Sunday is Mother's Day.  For many of us "Infertiles" (as so often dubbed), it is the worst day of the year.  It's a reminder to us that we are inadequate...or at least that's how we feel.  Sure we all have a mother and we can celebrate them.  However, nothing is worse than the feeling in my heart I get after hearing how all my friends and family that have children celebrated Mother's Day or what they got.  Is it about a gift or card or flowers?  No...it's about hearing someone say "Thank you Mom" or "I love you Mommy."

The two week wait is the worst!  For those of you who have experienced the two week wait, you know that your mind starts playing tricks on you and while you try not to hope that it will finally be a big fat positive, it still ruminates and sits in your entire being.  You start to think that every twinge means it for sure will be negative or for sure will be positive.  You deal with depression on the days your mind tells you that it has to be negative and you feel nothing but giddiness on the days you think that this time it just has to be positive.  Tears flow on and off like a broken faucet.

Waiting is hard.  It's even harder when its at this time of the year.  It has been difficult for some time because not only because of it being mother's day but rather because every year, Mother's Day is only a couple of days before my birthday.  This year I will be 39.  (I hate even typing that number!)  My biological clock is so loud now that I can barely think about anything else but wanting to become a mom.  Waiting.  I sit here and wait.

Strength is not one of my strong characteristics this week or ever this time of year.  As Mother's Day approaches I ask you all to do one favor.  As you go to your Mom's home (or aunt or grandmother who raised you) or celebrate your life as a parent (whether a mother or a father if you are one...) I ask you to take a few minutes to say a little prayer for all those of us struggling to make it through that day.  And pray for those who have lost a mother at this time.  I am fortunate that both my parents are still alive and I am grateful for my Mom and Grandma.

This is not my typical blog but it was something on my mind as I wait.  I haven't given up.  I still believe in miracles.

Don't ignore...

I close my eyes each night, hoping when I awaken the next morning that the nightmare of infertility will have only been just that...a nightmare.  The medications that cover the bathroom counter top, the pregnancy test and ovulation kit boxes that litter the cabinet below it like a volcanic eruption, and the "X" that marks off each day in red that yet another day has gone by in this cycle leading to likely another big fat negative on the over the counter pregnancy test.  It's been 9 years this May.  I have infertility.  I can't ignore that fact.  It runs through my brain like a turtle trying to make it to the finish line of a race...it's constantly in slow motion serving as a constant reminder.  9 years.  108 cycles.  Over 3240 nights of waking up hoping that it would all be over.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week.  It happens every year. So, why is this year so different?  This year, individuals like myself are coming out from behind our tear stained bed sheets and from only our little online support groups and standing up.  We don't want to ignore our infertility anymore, hoping that it's only a nightmare that we hope to wake up from.  WE are acknowledging it.  WE are taking ownership to it.  And We are seeking support for it.  I may be one of 7.3 million people affected by infertility, but I am not alone in this fight.

Please DON'T IGNORE us.  Walk with us on our infertility journeys.  So many of us live our lives hiding behind a wall of sadness as we look forward to a future and can't see beyond the pain of living childless.  We fear coming out from under the comfort of blankets and letting others know we suffer from this.  We fear the words that hurt us like knives stabbing us over and over again..."just relax," "just adopt," and "having children isn't what its cracked up to be."

DON'T IGNORE our Pain.  It is real.  It isn't in our head.  We can't just get over the desire to be a mother or a father.  Nothing fills us more than that desire to be called "Mom" or "Dad" and hold that miracle in our arms.  Don't ignore us when yet another positive pregnancy test results in a miscarriage.  Or another pregnancy test is a negative.  Or when we have to turn our head away to hide the tears streaming down our face in the grocery store as we see another smiling woman rubbing her pregnant belly.

DON'T IGNORE the video we posted on our Facebook or Twitter accounts just because you don't think Infertility affects you.  It's not just my disease.  It is your disease too!  Infertility will not just go away.  You can't hide it under the bed or in a closet.  It's real.  I am real.  I am one.  And I will keep speaking out about it.

DON'T IGNORE my feelings.  Words hurt.  Mother's Day and Father's Day hurts.  I may have a mother and a father but I may never know what it feels like to be appreciated in that way.  I may never receive a hand written card from my child telling me how much they love me...my child may never exist.  That love may never exist.   I desire to be a parent.  Don't tell me to move on or say that maybe that's the way God wants it.  You aren't God.

I question every decision I make.  "Am I taking the right vitamins, eating the right food, seeing the right doctor."  Medical bill after medical bill arrives in the mail, developing into a mountain of expenses and frustration over finances. My spouse and I argue over the expenses and finance.  Please try to understand.  How do you say "enough is enough" when you heart longs for something that comes so easily for others?  I have feelings.  I have emotion.  Don't ignore them.

I am fighting everyday a battle.  An emotion, physical, and spiritual battle.  It shakes us to the core.  But I will not be defeated.  I will fight back.  I will not ignore my desire to be a mom.  I will not ignore this infertility.

Walk with us.  Post about infertility and how it affects you.  Don't be afraid or sit behind the comfort of your computer screen and not become involved.  I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says, "Believe in Miracles."  I don't give up hope.  I believe in miracles.  Walk with me on my journey.  I may be one.  But I am not alone.

I Am One

I am One.  I am 1 in 8 couples that experiances and lives with infertility.  I am one person who can stand up with my voice and be heard.  But I can only be heard if you listen.  If you listen and you pass the message on, then one of the other 1 in 8 couples might hear and find the support they need.  Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week.  It's a week I wish didn't have to exist, but it does.  This year, on this week, I will stand up and speak every day so that others might hear.

As I think about this week I think about the first blog entry I wrote last fall.  A year ago, I might not have stood up and have been willing to make public this journey we are on.  A year makes a difference.  I have learned alot this year.  I have learned that if  I want the world to change I must stand up and help it change.  I learned that what I go through today in my life may not be what I will go through tomorrow.  And most of all, while I am one, I am not alone.

7.3 million people suffer from infertility.  That's an astonishing number.  7.3 millions people may times suffer through their infertility in silence?  So why are there so many people trying to hush those of us standing up and speaking about our struggle?  Why are we being blamed for our infertility when it many times has nothing to do with what we did or didn't do?  Unless we stand up and speak up we will only remain nothing more than a rock in the dirt.  Rock's don't move unless picked up and tossed.  If we are afraid to speak because others might find out we are dealing with infertility and we are afraid they will place judgement on us, then we will only continue to struggle without relief.  This pertains to not just infertility...it is about any issue that affects our life.

I am One.  But I am one who believes that miracles are possible.  Just because they haven't happened to me doesn't mean that they won't happen. 

Today is your wake up call.  Are you going to just sit there and let the numbers rise.  Are you going to let us sit in silence?  You don't have to suffer from infertility to stand up.  You are reading this, right?  You've gotten this far in my rambling on and you are still reading this.  You may not suffer, but you read my suffering and the suffering of my friends.  So please, my plea today is that you help spread awareness.  Facebook it...Twitter it.  Wear a "Believe in Miracles" bracelet or any other infertility awareness bracelet.  Wear teal all week long.   Sport a ribbon.  Blog about it.  Please....help me raise this awareness.  Help us 1 in 8. 

You are One.  Believe in Miracles.

Butterfly Kisses

There is a Native American legend that says that if  you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. When you release the butterfly it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted.  While grilling supper last night I had the privilege of being joined by not one but three painted lady butterflies.  Sure, it's spring and bugs and butterflies are starting to abound but this was different.  We don't have any flowers or anything attractive to butterflies where they came.  They just came there and perched.  Some of you might not see this as anything special, but for me, this was a sign.

A few days prior to the three butterflies making their appearance I had gone to the graves of a couple of friends who had passed away and asked them to ask God to give me a sign.  These weren't just any graves though...they were the graves of three Sisters.  (For you non-Catholics think "Nuns.").  As I stood a the graves visiting and speaking to each one, I asked them to give me a sign that everything will work out.  I asked them to help me know that I will be a mom and that my hopes and dreams will work out to make that possible.  It wasn't until those three butterflies appeared in my back yard on the dry as a bone bird bath that I realized that was my sign.  You see, one of the sisters was a strong believer in butterflies.  I even have one of the butterflies that used to hang in her room in my bedroom and the butterfly tattoo on my back is in her honor and memory.

If I could have caught it and whispered my wish, I would have done so.  Unfortunately it took running down several concrete steps in my back yard to even get close enough before they flew away.  Those who know me know that my middle name isn't exactly "Graceful."  This, out of necessity to not be on crutches for a third year in a row, instead I talked to the butterflies and spoke my wish to them.  It wasn't long before they took off flying...the three together.  Will my wish get to the Great Spirit?  I don't know.  But I can't help but feel better having seen those three butterflies.  No longer did I feel alone.

The journey of infertility can lead many people to feel all alone, regardless of the amount of people that they have in their circle of support.  Watching other people announce their pregnancies or even their children's birthdays have been difficult again.  Even hearing about a friend who was able to get pregnant without trying who I always thought I would get pregnant before shattered my spirit.  I needed that sign I received.  I asked...I received.

So now, I ask for specifics.  A friend last week stated in a post that once she began praying for her child by name, she got pregnant.  I had never thought of praying by name.  Let me take that back...I had never prayed for my future child by name because it was more difficult and painful in case God said no.  Since last week I have begun praying by name for my future children.


"God...please bring into creation and into our life, our Lukas Joseph Jerome or our Elizabeth Sue Josephine." 

Some of you reading this post may think that I am being superstitious or that I am so desperate for a child that I would do anything to make it possible.  In a way, yes.  In a way, no.  If these things I am doing help me to hold on to hope that someday I will hold my child in my arms, then I will continue to do them.  Otherwise, how do you hold out hope?  How do you keep hope alive? 

I hope that someday I will be able to tell my child(ren) about the butterfly story as a story of hope and that their momma knew everything would be okay because the butterflies came and took her wish to the Great Spirit.  I can't give up hope.  I Believe in Miracles.

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Along the path of our journey in life , through whatever we encounter whether its fertility issues or other issues, we are faced with challenges.  Challenges that push us to our edge.  Challenges that turn the stress nob up just a bit higher than we feel we can handle.  Challenges that we aren't quite sure we can even make it out of.  Of recent, my life has been one of those challenges.

A few years back we were up to our elbows in debt.  We had put all our fertility treatments and other medical bills on our credit card and had pretty much maxed it out.  We didn't have enough money to pay bills and we risked losing so much.  We ended up taking out a large loan from a family member.  This loan has been having to be  paid back to the bank they got their loan out of for the last 6 years.   6 years of barely being able to pay our bills but life still moving forward.  Right now we are a couple months of payments away from having it paid off.  But our money to pay the other normal monthly bills is almost non-existent.  Once that loan would be paid off there would be so much relief.  Our bank account would actually have money in it after the normal monthly bills are paid (i.e. mortgage, gas, electric, etc.).  We wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would actually be able to eat three meals a day instead of skipping meals and sacrificing so that my husband would have food.  Right now, until the loan is paid off, I can't even consider eating let along by some of the essentials like milk and other foods.  We both work and our income doesn't alot for us to get any assistance.  It's  real struggle.  Sometimes I just want to sit down in the grocery store aisle and cry.

Throughout this loan we've been still trying to conceive on our own.  No luck. It was probably a good thing.  Our stress levels have been so high these last few years that we are probably lucky to even be together still.  They say finances and money issues are the thing that leads to most divorces.  It hasn't been easy.  As I now reflect back on how we made it through the last 6 years,  I can only look to the sky and blame that on a higher power.  I know that the higher power I believe in has a greater plan for us.

What is that greater plan and why do we have to struggle so much before we sometimes know what that plan is?  I obviously don't have the answers to that question or else I would be a millionaire by now and not having to struggle like I am.  What I do know is that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Because of the challenges financially that we have struggled through, I know how to be much much more frugal, crafty, and disciplined.  Because of the infertility struggles and the brick walls we have hit I have become much more willing to talk about our struggle and hopefully helping others through theirs.

Someday we will look back at the struggles that we have walked through and smile that we made it through them.  We will look at those struggles and think, "Hey!  That wasn't so bad!  I made it through it and I am still breathing!"  While knee deep in it it's hard to see that or even believe there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't give up hoping and believing that your miracle can happen.  Today we celebrate the 6th birthday of a miracle in our family.  My sister suffered through infertility much like I do but with different circumstances.  She had several miscarriages but never gave up hope.  She never said never.  She kept believing even through the pain and struggle of the miscarriages, failed IUI after failed IUI and the years passing.  My nephew was conceived naturally without any fertility treatments.  He had been conceived around the time my grandfather had passed away.  I look at my nephew and see hope.

I am not giving up hope.  I am continuing to believe that miracles can happen.  I wear my "Believe in Miracles" bracelet and know that I will some day be a mom.  But I also know that its most important that I go through the struggle so that I see the beauty of the miracle and the grace in the struggle when its all over.  The greatest thing is that I don't have to go at it alone.  I am blessed with several friends who will walk on water to help.  And I them.  Remember, even through the struggle you aren't alone...regardless of the struggle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Believe in miracles.

Facing our Giants

Driving down a rural back road one day almost a year ago I saw a sign on a little church that read, "God grant me the courage to challenge my giants."   When I got home that day I grabbed a piece of chalk and wrote that on the key hook chalkboard in my kitchen.  Everyday when I grab my keys I am reminded of that saying.  I have yet to erase it off the board as I believe that we need to be reminded of that everyday.

I know it's been a few weeks...well...over a month..since I last blogged on here.  Stress, fatigue, and just not wanting to deal with any of the fertility stuff anymore fell my way even though I was still yearning internally to have my own child.  I made excuses for why I couldn't blog and just kept saying to myself, "I'll do it tomorrow." Tomorrows turned into more tomorrows until finally I looked at myself in the mirror one morning and told myself that I needed to face these giants.

What does it mean to  "face our giants?"  Giants are those things in our life that are large or enormous or that we feel weigh on us heavily.  For me, my giant was getting through the last couple of months with all sorts of people having expectations of me that I could no longer handle keeping up with.  My giants are the feelings I have inside about possibly never being a mother and looking at the future without giving up  hope.  My giants also consisted of trying to keep it all together and be a peacemaker.

It's very important that regardless of whether we are dealing with infertility or not that we face our giants.  By not facing the giants I was dealing with I was falling further and further behind.  I found myself staring at a blank screen as I tried to continue working on my book.  I found myself becoming cynical about things that weren't going my way.  I even became bitter about some things. 

Facing our giants doesn't mean that everything will 100% of the time go our way.  Rather, by facing our giants it helps us to reach for those goals we set for ourselves.  Instead of sitting back and taking things easy, reach high!  Take risks!  If you don't you will never know what you could have done or what could have been.  One of my husband and my favorite movies is called "Facing the Giants."  Its a Christian movie that came out a few years ago about a man and the football team he coached.  He was not living his life facing the giants, rather he was trying to control everything himself.  He nearly lost everything.  Instead he risked it all and give it all to God, trusting that God would provide.  Sometimes trusting in another person is the hardest thing that we have to deal with.  How do we let go of control?  How do we not want what we want in our time as opposed to someone else's time?  It's all a part of taking risks.

I have read recently about some friends who deal with infertility who are talking about giving up.  It seems as though all the blocks are stacked against them.   Maybe their spouse's sperm count is non existent or they have failed cycle after failed cycle of IUI or IVF.  They don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because these giants are blocking that light.  I have been there. I have seen that the tunnel light was blocked....until I walked up to the giant and faced it head on....and continue to face it head on.  Someday, I will be able to move beyond that giant and fully see the light.  For now, I keep tackling what I can tackle.  My life is not perfect...it's nowhere near it.  But I am reminded that I can't give up.  I need to take the risks.

Risks aren't without their trials and tribulations.  No one ever said life would be easy.  I have sat many of times and fumed with jealousy over friends who were achieving what I hadn't yet achieved such as great success financially or career wise  or in the case of infertility, have achieved a pregnancy and have their "family."  Recently someone reminded me of the bible parable that Jesus tells about the three servants who received money from their master to keep safe.  Two of the servants went and risked the money only to double and triple it.  The third servant buried it to keep it safe.  When the master returned he was pleased to see that the two servants took the risk and they were rewarded.  The third servant who buried the money was reprimanded and wasn't rewarded.

What does this story have to do with my life?  I often times start to take the easy road or the less risky path when I am given something.  I tend not to risk....especially when faced with a giant.  This parable reminds me that we must face the giant and we must take the risk otherwise we will not have the reward.  If you are one of the people dealing with infertility about ready to give up having a family, don't give up.  Figure out a new path to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Face the giant. Above all, don't stop believing in miracles.