Who I Was Born To Be

They say that from the moment you are conceived, as a female we have a distinct number of eggs that our body will produce.  No where did they say that those eggs can have minds of their own.  As a born and bred Catholic, I have always believed in God and the concept that he has a plan for me. Most of my life I have spent trying to find where I fit in this world, what God's plan was for me and basically and who I was born to be. 

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to have a family, even though I felt for a small time that God was wanting me to be a nun.  I struggled with the decision to enter because I knew it meant me never having children.  But I went forward and entered anyways.  At some point I knew it was not meant to be and I left.  My dreams have stayed the same.  I have still remained steadfast to the idea that I am to be a mom.

My journey on this path of infertility has helped me to grow into the person I am today.  I gain my courage from this journey and the people that have been walking with me along the path.  I wasn't always this courageous...and I wouldn't even see myself as courageous right now.  I see myself as living my life for me now.  While the "breast cancer" awareness facebook joke has been insensitive, the positive that has come out of it all has been that I see the importance of standing up and becoming public with this journey. 

As a Catholic and infertile, my journey has been challenging.  I was the "good" Catholic girl.  I remained a virgin till the day I got married at that age of 30.  This was something important to me and of which I was a minority with amongst my friends.  It was what I was taught but more so it was what I had decided to do.  It was the one thing I could control in my life.  I say that I was a virgin but I was a virgin by means of any sexual encounters I had choice in.  You see, I had been sexually molested when I was a child over the course of a year. (From who and why is not important for this blog.).  However, in regards to all other sexual encounters in my life where I had the choice, I chose to wait till I was married to engage in sex.  According to the Catholic Church, the act of sex was to be used with the idea of procreation.  I believed in this truly.  So I waited.

I continued to watch my siblings get married and start having their own families.  I was one of the last to get married yet I was the third oldest in a family of five of us kids.  I was criticized when I was a kid by my peers because I chose not to "give it up."  I was bullied in grade school by the popular kids, even getting beat up on at least one occasion.  I spent high school alone because I couldn't participate in the sexual stories that my classmates were sharing.  My body image and sense of self esteem was shot. I just never fit in.  Now here as an adult I was fitting in less because I had not children and couldn't conceive as all my friends and family were. I never felt like I had become an adult.  It was as if becoming a parent gave you that transition.  But I never have experienced having my own child.  How could I become an adult now?  I turned into the Aunt and the daughter that had to do everything asked of her because I didn't have any "so called" responsibility so I must have a lot of time.  I wasn't allowed to comment on situations going on within the family because I didn't know what it was like because I didn't have any children.  The words and comments would keep coming.  Yet no one wanted to hear what was going on with our infertility journey. It was hushed.  I was told that it would happen and to just be patient.  People would roll their eyes when I talk about it.  They still do.  I would leave parties and houses in tears with many a night crying myself to sleep.  Even making love to my husband became an emotional task as the realization that this act would notSo...for a long period of time I hushed and kept it inside, only sharing small parts of it with my husband.

Then, last week hit.  The now famed Breast Cancer awareness joke hit facebook.  I cried after a friend who had posted it told me that it was a joke.  It was someone who I cared deeply about.  Here I had been struggling with my infertility and many of my friends knew this.  Why hadn't they thought about the fact that this would affect me.  Had they not thought about me?  I felt alone and started falling right back into the "little girl" world.  Then something happened.  Overnight I transitioned. 

The next morning I came to a realization that I was a woman.  That I had rights too.  That I could no longer be bullied.  I became a stronger version of me...stronger than I ever have before. It was time.  I could no longer remain hushed and live behind the taboo that the word "infertility" is in society.  I realized though that there could be backlash.  Yet, I knew that a true friend, like the one who had originally posted the joke on her status, would right the wrong if the friendship meant anything. (For this friend, I say "Grapes."  She knows what this means even though it will mean nothing to the rest of you.) 

I could no longer live behind the bullying.  People who claimed to be friends but who got defensive when asked to take it off their status and wouldn't see the damage it was doing to me and my friends got deleted out of my friends account.  I even had a couple people tell me to shake it off or move on.  But how could I move on from infertility?   I will live this infertility 24/7.  I will go to bed childless and awake each morning childless.  Some of my friends won't.  To know that you may never hold a child of your flesh and flood in your arms creates a pain that is indescribable.  Kelly Coffey in the song , "I would die for that" says it best when she says, "What I want most, before my time is gone, is to hear the words, "I love you , Mom."

It's not that I don't support other causes, cause I do.  I have every silicone bracelet imaginable under the sun and wear them proudly.  But when it comes to infertility, who wears the bracelet?  Who sports the teal ribbon?  Who wears it on their shirt?  For so long, infertile men and women like myself have hidden their infertility.  And where has it gotten us? Hushed and in a corner, living in a world where everything is focused on the family.  Looked at weird by families as they assume we choose not to have children when in reality it is that we can't. 

For these reasons I am not longer silent.  For these reasons I am standing up for each and every one of my sisters and brothers in this world dealing with infertility.  I am standing up for those who don't feel they have the courage to stand up and speak for themselves out of fear of being pushed further and further into the abyss of aloneness that we get pushed into with infertility when family or friends just don't understand our pain.  I am standing up for those who cry themselves to sleep every night because they know tomorrow that crib will still be empty when they wake in the morning.  I am standing up for each of those women who lose their child to a miscarriage.  I am standing up.

It took me 38 years to realize that this is who I was born to be.

Join me.  I am no longer the young girl that was bullied.  I am now a woman.  A woman on a journey.  The road is not easy, but together we can accomplish things together and get the awareness out there. 

Join my journey.

Ma'am..put that brownie down and no one will get hurt!!!

Okay...so it's a gluten free brownie...the only kind I can have with the gluten allergy I found out I had as a result of a visit with one of the multiple fertility specialists I have seen over the last 8 years.  No glass of milk as the dairy intolerance, also an issue as a result of infertility and my PCOS, wrecks havoc with my body.  I really shouldn't eat that brownie cause it'll probably go straight to my butt..you know...that place where I get the hCG shot every month.  But the only reason I want that brownie is because of the damn Chlomid making me want to bite everyone's head off.  Then it's baby dance time. Oh...but it has to be the right time...timed, in a certain position, and somehow I gotta get that darn...I mean, dear husband of mine to in the mood.  Then comes the two week wait to see if that dear, I mean, damn monthly visitor makes it or goes into hiding once again for who knows how long and for who knows why.

It's funny how many times that scenario took place in my house over the last 8 years...and yet it's not really funny when so many of those struggling with fertility can probably nod their heads and say that same if not a similiar thing. As a "secret society" (called this since so many don't want to talk about infertility with others in public,) we can all relate to this scenario and probably more often than not. 

I would have remained silent about the infertility, only crying behind my covers, a closed door, or before and after a family function where my husband and I remained the only childless couple, had it not been for the latest "breast cancer awareness" joke. (Which in no way raised awareness to breast cancer by the way...).  While it saddened me it also pushed me to this level of advocay in my life. 

Today I lost friends...well, Facebook friends.  People who wanted me to shake it off, move on, and never bring up infertility.  Some were family.  Some were friends.  None of them willing to continue hearing how hard it is and how much it sucks to have to deal with infertility.  None of them realizing that the longer I go without conceiving or having a child, the greater risk I am at for cancer...BOTH breast and ovarian.  None of them realizing the effects of Chemo and radiation on a breast cancer survivor and that they are less likely to conceive as for many it pushes them into menopause.  None of them have met Annie, Elaine, Mary, or any of the other 20+ women in my life who have survived Breast Cancer.  For them I will live my life always adovcating for a cure to breast cancer.  For them I will refuse to put up a status that in any way is supposed to be a joke.  Breast Cancer is no joke.  It's no more of a joke than muscular dystrophy, stroke or a heart attack.  I only ask that people stop looking at the like and struggle that I live daily as a joke.

I know that for many it wasn't malciously done.  But after pleaing my case on Facebook, some still continued to post.  Some still sent me the "joke."  Some expecting me to post it.  There was even one person who sent it not once, but twice in order to anger me and upset me.  Family.  It was a family member.

Through this all I know who my family is.  My family is and has become those who have supported getting awareness out there in these few short days.  My family is and has become those who reached out a hand and posted something on their status in regards to inferility awareness.  My family is and has become those who have stood behind me encouraging me to go forward and event sometimes listening to my rants.  To this family, I say thank you....and I am not going anywhere.

The Grass Isn't Greener On The Other Side

Last night I couldn't sleep as I thought about the stir that the recent Breast Cancer awareness joke (or whatever you want to call it) that has been going around has stirred.  Those of us dealing with infertility were outraged and wanted people to stop posting these statements.  Some of those never having to deal with infertility told  us we were being dramatic, to shake it off, or even called us vulgar names for making a big deal out of it.  The one response I will never forget was "You know, the grass isn't greener on the other side."

The grass isn't greener on the other side.  But it's not that green  on this side either.  The notion that individuals dealing with infertility don't know what it's like to be a parent or can't relate is a misnomer.  We realize, understand and know that parenting is not an easy task.  Why do individuals with children think this is so?  Is it that they regret their choice to have children?  Is it that they think they are the only ones who feel that way when hundreds of parents past and present have experianced the same thing.  Those of us struggling with infertility know parenting isn't easy.  We have struggled through the path of infertility.  Our stuggles carry the same weight.  We have cried many of nights, many sleepless nights. We have dealt with side effects of fertility medications and treatments that mimic pregnancy, labor, and after birth.  We have experianced loss through misacarriage after miscarriage.  We have been excited as there were plus signs in the window of the pregnancy test only to find out later that there was no heart beat. Every growth and every sign during a pregnancy brought us greater hope only to be dashed with stillbirths or miscarriages.  Our hopes and out dreams were the same as those who never had to deal with this.  What we haven't done is taken this precious gift of life for granted.  It's the one thing we dream of most...to be called mommy or daddy.

That doesn't mean we don't understand what terrible two's are or sleepless nights.  It doesn't mean we don't know that parenting is hard.  It doesn't mean we think that our child will be perfect, act perfect, and sleep through the night.  It also doesn't mean we don't know of the complications of pregnancy, birth, and after.  Some of us have lived it all.  Some of us haven't.  But to say we don't understand what it's like to lose a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or to have a child with special needs would be to say that when we have lost a child to miscarraige or stillbirth  or through our stuggles to conceive are of no importance and they are no big deal. 

Compassion goes both ways.  I have watched many a friend through pregnancies, baby showers, birth, and beyond.  I have changed explosive diapers, been spit upon, cradled a colicy baby to sleep and cried over the loss of a child with friends and family.  I have been the support to others in need at the drop of the dime.  Is it too much to ask for compassion on our side?  When a person has a child without going through infertility do they take for granted that it should be easy to conceive?  I don't ask that they come to our side alone, but at least meet us at the fence.  See what we go through on our side of the fence and that the grass isn't greener on this side either.

But I am not going to sit back idley either. I am tired of the taboo and holding it inside.  My name is Melissa and I am infertile.

The Joke, The Taboo, The Time to Take Action

The blog was inspired partially due to a horrible "Breast Cancer Awareness" joke that did anything but aware people of breast cancer.  Instead, it fueled that activism of myself and a few others who were tired of sitting back and allowing society to keep piling more and more pain upon us.  For most, if not all of us, we had nothing to do with our infertility...it was an unwanted card we were dealt and of which we are reminded of every day.

For some people who have no problem having children, they don't seem bothered by the newest craze in Facebook Breast Cancer awareness posting jokes going around.  A couple of days ago a new joke came around Facebook private messages requesting that the receiver post on their status the following;  "I am (#) weeks and I am craving (certain junk food associated with a certain number.)"  For individuals struggling with infertility this struck a nerve.  It struck a nerve immediately with me.  Infertility Support Groups are asking that everyone take it off Facebook.  First off, no one has ever become more aware of Breast Cancer through a simple private joke post.  What raises Breast Cancer awareness is programs, advertisements, fund raisers and people speaking out about it.  What does faking pregnancy cravings have to do with Breast Cancer awareness?  Do they not realize that many women who have had Chemotherapy for their breast cancer are also left with a greater risk to their child if they attempt to even conceive within so many years after having received Chemo?  This not only then rubs is infertile woman raw but it digs the knife deeper into the wounds of woman with Breast Cancer.  Bra sizes are one thing, although also insensitive for the woman who has had to have a mastectomy...but a bra is an accessory...a child is not.

Infertility has been a taboo in society for far too long.  Not only do people experiencing infertility end up having to deal with consistant reminders of their inability to conceive with the hundreds of advertisements for diapers, babyfoods, clothes, etc. but they also are less likely to have insurance coverage for any type of treatment available to help remedy the situation.  Infertile couples spend thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars out of their pockets to try and conceive, only to have to spends thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars later should they chose to try the route of adoption.

As a part of an Infertility Support Group I want to get the word out.

Please don't see this as an emotional plea.  See this as a plea to make a difference in a society that all to quickly is becoming callous and insensitive.  Take into consideration the impact that a few words on a social media site can have on individuals.

Today I wrote and submitted part of this blog I am writing to several news stations and our local paper.  We can't let it stop only with our blogs and a few facebook messages. We need to take it above and beyond.  Nothing will be changed if we sit back and don't stand up.  We will only continue to be pushed aside and a knife stuck deeper into the wound of our infertility.  Let's make a difference.  If we walk together, we can take the taboo out of it and maybe...just maybe...those dealing with infertility after us won't have the struggle as hard as we have had.

Where it all began...

8 years ago I married the love of my life...the one I wanted to share my "forever" with and who I wanted to start a family with.  I started out late in life, but that was more so because of the vocational call that I thought I had been called to.  At the young age of 19 I started to look at joining the convent.  For a short time I even did.  By the time I was closing in on turnig 25 I knew that God was leading me in a different direction.  Within a few months of leaving the convent I met my husband.  I knew he was the one because I had prayed while I was in the convent, that God would find me the person with whom I would spend the rest of my life and with whom I would have a family and that he would have the same faith and values as I had.  I specifically prayed for him and for a family.  I had gotten him, but what about the family?  By the time we got married I was 30 years old and 9 days.  I knew we had to start from moment one to try to have children.  One doctor put me on birth control for several months thinking it would jump start my cycle and ovaries.  After going off the BC pills, nothing.  Within a few months we started seeing a OBGYN that specializes in fertility...or so we thought.  All she wanted was to test my husband's sperm and stick me on Chlomid.  Still nothing.  After over a year it took its toll on us emotionally and financially. The reason we could't conceive would change each time: you don't ovulate, you don't have normal periods, you might have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, you have hypothyroid, or you are too fat.  We had to stop the treatments.

I tried everything I could think of, from vitamens to taking my temperature everyday to making deals with God.  ("Please God, if you just get me pregnant I will devote my first born to you...I will offer him to you.") Still no child.  The one time there was a secod line appear on the pregnancy test, it turned out that the testing kit had been defective and the doctor easily said, "Nope, you are not pregnant."  Friends and family got pregnant and moved into the realm of being a family with their new children.  We continued to sit back and wait...and wait...and wait.  Here we are 8 years into our married life and still not pregnant.

We have spent years of being told "You don't know what it is like...you don't have children," when we would try and be support and help with the nieces and nephews, would just throw a knife into our hearts.  Expectations that we would take care of doing everything for everyone else in the family just because we didn't have children came by the truckful.  And the worse of it all is Mother's and Father's Day's.  The sadness over beign infertile would just get overwhelming more and more each year.  What could make it worse?  A recent "breast cancer awareness" joke on Facebook where those who received it were to put as their status: I am (month of birth in #) weeks and I crave (candy associated with the number of the day of your birth.).  This set myself and many of my friends living with infertility to be stabbed with that knife once again.  I needed to do something. I couldn't deal with this constant stabbing anymore.

I started this blog for several reasons: 1.) To provide support for others going through infertility like myself.  and 2.) To help bring awareness and education to those that don't experiance infertility so that we can bring about a more aware and compassionate society in the area of infertility.  There is so much to write but this is just the beginning.  Stay tunned...it's just getting good!