The Grass Isn't Greener On The Other Side

Last night I couldn't sleep as I thought about the stir that the recent Breast Cancer awareness joke (or whatever you want to call it) that has been going around has stirred.  Those of us dealing with infertility were outraged and wanted people to stop posting these statements.  Some of those never having to deal with infertility told  us we were being dramatic, to shake it off, or even called us vulgar names for making a big deal out of it.  The one response I will never forget was "You know, the grass isn't greener on the other side."

The grass isn't greener on the other side.  But it's not that green  on this side either.  The notion that individuals dealing with infertility don't know what it's like to be a parent or can't relate is a misnomer.  We realize, understand and know that parenting is not an easy task.  Why do individuals with children think this is so?  Is it that they regret their choice to have children?  Is it that they think they are the only ones who feel that way when hundreds of parents past and present have experianced the same thing.  Those of us struggling with infertility know parenting isn't easy.  We have struggled through the path of infertility.  Our stuggles carry the same weight.  We have cried many of nights, many sleepless nights. We have dealt with side effects of fertility medications and treatments that mimic pregnancy, labor, and after birth.  We have experianced loss through misacarriage after miscarriage.  We have been excited as there were plus signs in the window of the pregnancy test only to find out later that there was no heart beat. Every growth and every sign during a pregnancy brought us greater hope only to be dashed with stillbirths or miscarriages.  Our hopes and out dreams were the same as those who never had to deal with this.  What we haven't done is taken this precious gift of life for granted.  It's the one thing we dream of most...to be called mommy or daddy.

That doesn't mean we don't understand what terrible two's are or sleepless nights.  It doesn't mean we don't know that parenting is hard.  It doesn't mean we think that our child will be perfect, act perfect, and sleep through the night.  It also doesn't mean we don't know of the complications of pregnancy, birth, and after.  Some of us have lived it all.  Some of us haven't.  But to say we don't understand what it's like to lose a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or to have a child with special needs would be to say that when we have lost a child to miscarraige or stillbirth  or through our stuggles to conceive are of no importance and they are no big deal. 

Compassion goes both ways.  I have watched many a friend through pregnancies, baby showers, birth, and beyond.  I have changed explosive diapers, been spit upon, cradled a colicy baby to sleep and cried over the loss of a child with friends and family.  I have been the support to others in need at the drop of the dime.  Is it too much to ask for compassion on our side?  When a person has a child without going through infertility do they take for granted that it should be easy to conceive?  I don't ask that they come to our side alone, but at least meet us at the fence.  See what we go through on our side of the fence and that the grass isn't greener on this side either.

But I am not going to sit back idley either. I am tired of the taboo and holding it inside.  My name is Melissa and I am infertile.