Thanksgiving and thankfullness

I can't believe I am actually up earlier than 7 a.m. and typing away at my blog on Thanksgiving Day.  We can blame it on my dear (although that's not what I called him this morning) husband who awoke at 4:50 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep so thought neither should I. Today of all days I need sleep the most as tonight I tackle the big task of Black Friday shopping.  I hate the crowds of people that start tonight and don't end until a week after Christmas when everyone has finally finished returning the gifts that didn't fit or that they didn't like.  If I can get all the shopping done in one 24 hour time frame I know that I will be fine the rest of the holiday season.  But it means braving many times rude, pushy, deal crazed people.  (Ok....I am deal crazed but not pushy and rude.)  Since we have no children of our own, why are we so crazed about getting a good deal? Because we had no children.  To have to shop only one day of the entire season and most of the time there are no children out on these overnight adventures makes the season geared towards family and little kids still believing in Santa a little more bearable.

Thanksgiving is about being thankful for those things that the other 364 we often take for granted. While I can't be thankful for the infertility that we struggle with, I am thankful for the opportunities that talking about the infertility has helped us to have.  I began this blog, I have begun researching and writing a book, I have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of others going through this same struggle, and I have even become a stronger person overall.  It still hurts to see someone else getting pregnant when we struggle still but I know that this year I am in a better place mentally than I was even last year.

Today I am thankful for all those supporters and all of you who read this blog. It's not necessarily my typically long blog post, but I think I can sum it all up in this one statement.  I am thankful for all the miracles in my life .

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Christmas vs. Infertility

About a week ago a local radio station started playing their round of Christmas songs...songs that will grace the radio from now until the day after Christmas.  As I rolled my eyes (I mean, really..it's not even Thanksgiving yet for another 5days!!!), I began to feel the pang of anxiety in my stomach, dizziness in my head, and a "cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching" coming from my purse.  That "cha-ching" was the sound our hard earned money preparing to leave our possession and join the ranks of all other tens and twenties in the registers of big box super stores this Black Friday.  While we have no children of our own for "Santa" to make his yearly voyage to, we still have to buy for every niece and nephew under the age of 18 in our family as well as our godchildren.  What does infertility have to do with all this and Christmas?

For those of us with infertility, it can be very difficult to celebrate the holidays.  Expectations are that we will attend, happily of course, every Christmas party and family celebration where each of the little kids will either be dressed in their Christmas bests or will have to sing or play on their "recorders"  (a flute like noisy instrument) their rendition of Silent Night or We wish you a Merry Christmas.  Silently we will sit at these parties, trying to avoid the consistent, "do you have any children," "when are you having children," or "how's it going trying to conceive" questions.  We attempt to sit at the back of the room, attempting to avoid having to have anyone see how writhing with jealousy we are over the parents of those kids playing the noisy and out of tune songs...jealous because we wish they were our children.  I even shop on Black Friday in order to avoid the hustle and bustle at Christmas time through the malls and stores, thus avoiding each parents who is still looking for that toy that their child so desperately wants.  To see them, knowing it isn't me who will see a child open a gift excitedly on Christmas morning.  Knowing it won't be us who share the "Night before Christmas" story or putting out the cookies and milk for Santa. (I've tried the cookies and milk thing and trust me when I say that Santa couldn't take the time to come down our chimney for these gluten free delights and almond milk we had set out for him. )

It's not just the gift giving and party going, even though every Christmas we walk home after these parties with a couple of Christmas gifts we receive even though we came with two laundry baskets and a large trash bag full of gifts to give. (I know its not about receiving, but the gift of giving thats part of the season.).  I would give up every materialistic gift in order to have the gift of a child instead.  As a Catholic, Christmas is about preparing the way for Jesus (symbolically) to be born.  While the original event happened thousands of years ago, we celebrate this occurrence on a yearly basis.  Today as I drove, I thought about what Christmas meant.  It was about this preparation.  Again the jealousy hit.

As I drove I began to think about Mary and Joseph, Jesus's parents.  I thought about the bible reading where the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, who was about to flee and leave Mary because she was pregnant with someone else,  other than his, child.  Basically, Joseph was a nervous dad.  Mary trusted God enough to say, "Ok...I will carry your son."  I was feeling jealous and yet a bit like Mary.  And my husband, ironically, has been feeling alot like Joseph.  While we aren't pregnant/expecting, my husband was nervous about the kind of father he would be and I was the one sitting back and telling God to "bring it on."  It is important to remember that these feelings are ok.  I truly believe that is why we hear these stories in the bible.  However, it doesn't help me feel any better about still being childless.

I think that I began thinking about all this because the stress of marking natural ovulation for once in my life (that in itself is a miracle of its own...)fell into the roll of trying to conceive and stress took over.  What if it worked?  How would we afford a child?  What kind of parent would I be?  I was reminded today in a Christmas song heard on the local Christian radio station that even Joseph was nervous.  This brought comfort.

So, maybe the timing wasn't right this time and maybe I will never ovulate or even conceive naturally on my own.  This month at least I had hope. Christmas is about hope. While I will sit at these parties and feel sadness in my heart, I also know that it will happen every year.  Maybe next year I will be there with my own son or daughter.  Maybe not.  Isn't that what Christmas is all about though?  A Miracle?  Christ was a miracle regardless if he would have been born the natural child of Joseph and Mary or the creation of God ,as his son, placed into Mary.  Either way, he was a miracle.

For all my friends out there wishing for a Christmas miracle, I will be praying for all of you.  For all those a little happier because they know their Christmas miracle is on its way and they will have him or her in their arms by this time next year, I pray for the miracle in your womb.  For all my friends and family who have their miracle I ask you to hug your miracle a little tighter this season and be grateful to the Creator for being given this precious gift.

As we head into the Christmas season, I am thankful for each of you reading this and traveling this journey with us.  Don't forget, Believe in Miracles.

A Family Affair

Many of you who are Facebook friends of mine recently saw my endless post about my great Aunt Alice who passed away.  In our lives we are often only ever given a handful of people who impact our life so tremendously that to live our life without them in it is almost unimaginable. My Aunt Alice was one of those people.

By society's standards she didn't do anything outrageous and amazing.  In my standards she did extremely amazing things.  She taught me about life and what's the most important thing about it.  Aunt Alice was raised in the great depression.  She once said that she always thought that the only place that you got bread and milk was the local fire station.  It wasn't until she was about 9 years old that she found out there were stores that you got those same items at.  While she was frugal, she wasn't a miser.  She gave to charities as well as family and loved to travel.  I believe that she has been to almost 50 countries in her lifetime.  She was a devout Catholic who volunteered her services to her church, museums, and charities.  While those are all great accomplishments, her greatest accomplishment has been her family.  How Aunt Alice lived was how she raised her children.  Now grown adults with children and grandchildren of their own, it is evident that her surviving children are also spitting images of her generosity and caring.

So, what does this have to do with infertility and my journey with it?  As I stood at that back of the living room at my Aunt's house after the funeral and I watched my cousins, new acquaintances and my family sharing with each other I heard the West Virginia accented voice of my Aunt Alice speak into my ear, "It's all about family...focus on family."  What did this mean?

In dealing with infertility it isn't uncommon to feel frustrated when you are around others with children and babies.  I didn't feel that at this funeral.  I was overwhelmed with the sadness of the loss of my Aunt Alice.  As I grieved her loss, I feared that I wouldn't have this wonderful similar situation when I was older and had passed on.  Who would bury me?  What if my husband died before I did, who would I have left?  And I even found myself praying and talking to my Aunt Alice asking her and invoking her to take my desire to have a child to God.  She has been an amazing role model as a mother.  While at first I thought maybe it was just the hospitality of West Virginians, I realized that my Aunt wouldn't have raised her children any other way then to be generous, hospitable people....especially to family.

Infertility is really a family affair.  If you struggle with infertility and feel alone, know that you don't have to.  My cousins have been the stronghold of my not giving up hope.  While I grieved at the casket, the funeral, and the cemetery, my cousins reminded me as did the priest saying the funeral mass that we would one day see her again.  Hope.  Hope that we will see each other again.  Hope that all will be well.  My family, while sometimes say or do insensitive things, still have hope for me.  All in all I know that they hold out hope for my husband and I that we will still have a family of our own someday.  I must still hold out hope.

My Aunt Alice was my stronghold of hope.  During one of my visits to her she and I sat on her back patio and watched the hummingbirds and the morning traffic across the river.  As we sat and enjoyed the morning air and each other's company and talked about how it is that we can determine what God's plan is for us, she told me one of the pieces of advice that I will never forget and that I now pass on to you all.  It was simple.

"You just have to believe."

Would you like some Cheese with that Whine?

I was reading back on past posts I have done.  This post today marks #20 for me.  Never did I think that after two months I would still be blogging about infertility and that it would have become so successful.  (well...in my eyes it being viewed at least 2000 times is somewhat successful...).  While I should be happy and usually my posts give a positive twist to difficult situations, my post today and how I am feeling is anything but happy or positive.  Today is one of those very difficult days. 

This last month was the last month we could afford to do any trigger shots (for those non-infertility treatment peeps out there, a trigger shot (usually HCG) helps in folllicle maturation and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follices.).  I even had begun taking supplements that are known and proven to increase fertility in many women.  Soon I was ingesting meticulously the soy isoflavones, Vitex, and Maca. I thought I felt a difference.  I started using OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kits) to tell me for sure when I was ovulating after the trigger shot, and when all I had was a faint faint line and never got anything strong, I proceeded to plan the baby dance...aka love making.  Then the two week wait. I felt sick to my stomach a few days after the baby dance took place.  Could it be?  Could it have happened this time?  Everywhere around me signs were pointing to yes!  I really thought it could be this time.  We could be mommy and daddy finally!   Then October 31st happened.

Right on the nose for the first time in 20 years, my monthly visitor came on time. (This may be TMI for some of you...).  "Oh well," I thought  "there is always next month."  I wasn't that upset that day.  Or even the next day after that.   No...it didn't hit me until 4 days later.   A realization hit me: there isn't always next month.  I am 38 1/2 years old.  Who's to say that my "next months" weren't possibly when I was in my mid to late 20's and early early 30's.  I mean, come on...I recently read about another Infertility Support Groupie who only after 3 years finally achieved pregnancy.  It's been 8 years, 5 months, and 10 days since we started trying.  That's 101 failed cycles.   101 times of never seeing two lines on a pregnancy test.  101 times to suffer heart break.   If you ever wanted to know what it feel like to be a failure, 101 failed attempts puts you right there in it.

Grey days suck.  Grey days are those kinds of days where nothing seems to go right and even though the sun may be out outside, over and in your head there is nothing but grey skies.  Today is my grey day.  Today is the day I want to shout out, "F*** You, God!!" and yet I know it won't do me any good and I really don't mean it...I just need someone or something to blame. (Yeah...and after getting upset with God a couple weeks ago, that same night I ended up with an instant inset of a fever (that lasted 3 1/2 days) and severe tonsillitis).

Yes...today I am whining.  Somedays we gotta do that.  Why not today?

I know it won't last forever, but I think that sometimes we all, infertile or not, have the right to this kind of day.  Sometimes we just need to vent, scream, curse, etc.  We need to get it out.    So...I apologize ahead of time for the rants, curse words, or if you cut me off on the road today even a flying middle finger.  Today is my day.  It's all about me today.  Tomorrow can be about you.

Hey...it seems that has helped my grey cloud a bit.  Now I just need to go grab some cheese to go with my whine.

When the Ribbons Cross

Recently, celebrity reporter Guiliana Rancic announced that she was recently diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer.  For those followings he public journey with infertility of  her and her husband Bill Rancic (of "The Apprentice" fame), hopes were that this 3rd attempt with IVF would be the time that finally they would have their miracle.  As a result of testing required by the infertility specialist, Guiliana found out that she has the early stages of Breast Cancer.  She is only 37.

Improvements and developments in the media and communication have increased the knowledge and awareness of breast cancer and most recently diagnosis  in younger women (those under the age of 40).  Public figures like Guiliana Rancic, are bringing about the awareness of Breast Cancer into the public eye.  Only now, with both her public struggles with infertility and now breast cancer are we seeing the pink ribbon of breast cancer and the teal ribbon of infertility awareness crossing.  Why haven't we seen this before?  Surely there were others who struggled with infertility and cancer!  Why are people more apt to talking about cancer but not about infertility?

Studies have shown that women with infertility are at an increased risk for breast cancer and ovarian cancers although it's unknown if it's related to decreased or increased hormonal levels or progesterone and estrogen levels.  Controversy still surrounds the risks of infertility medications and cancer as well.  With this knowledge, why haven't ribbons crossed earlier?  Because people aren't standing up and speaking about it.

There still seems to be an issue with individuals coming out about their struggle.  People tend not to want to talk about infertility.  But they will talk about their boobs.  So if the reason is embarrassment, wouldn't it be just as embarrassing to talk about your boobs and cancer in said body parts?  Possibly the cause of hesitation is because of a feeling of being flawed.  While cancer is not generally something that one is born with, many people believe that they were born with infertility, even when that isn't the case.  A man is more likely to stand up and talk about having testicular cancer but not to admitting to low sperm counts or erectile disfunction (no matter how many times a viagra commercial might make you try and think otherwise).

Why should we be embarrassed about our infertility?   Are we afraid of the comments that will be made if people knew?  Guess what?  They are already talking and making comments...what's the difference.  If we don't stand up and start talking about it we can't expect others to become aware and to stand up for us.  But its not just our infertility...its our overall health.  I found myself recently becoming so obsessed with things and overwhelmed with responsibilities and keeping myself busy that I ended up sick.  Severe tonsilities (with a possiblity of Strep...the cultures are yet to be finished...) has now left me speechless in talk but not in my written genre!

Take care of your health.  You are the only "you" that "you" have.

The Fear Factor

When I have the opportunity to be heading down the open road, I tend to think alot.  Yesterday, as I was traveling for work, I found myself thinking alot about my infertility journey.  Instantly a feeling of fear set over me...the kind that knots your stomach, makes you nauseated, and of which you can't shake.  What was the root of this fear?

The fear inside of me is that my biological clock is nearing its end.  The battery is running out.  The Big Ben inside of me will no longer ring.  The alarm won't snooze any longer.  Why I am feeling this way I am not sure.  Could it be that within 2 years I will be 40?  Could it be that no one in my family has conceived past the age of 36?  Could it be that I am seeing so many others that I travel this journey with also getting to this point where they are no longer able to hope for a child of their own but rather have to consider adoption as a possibility?  Yes...it's all of the above.

Fear, however, is something that we must face.  It's something that we must tackle head on.  Sure I can sit behind my computer and say that but I myself am struggling with that fear right now with nausea in my stomach and an extra twinge of pain that hits it when someone asks me my age.  Fear will remain with us no matter how hard we try to avoid or ignore it.  The old saying that the only thing to fear is fear itself is completely true.  I fear fear.  I fear thinking about the negative possibilities of my future as a mother to a natural child of my own.  I am an eternal pessimist.

How do we move beyond fear?  We puke, sleep, scream, and etc.  We do whatever it takes to push the fear out of our lives and we continue to breate.  If we allow fear to control our lives we end up not living at all but rather avoiding situations and people.  How is that living?  When we allow fear to control us we end up living in the pit of depression and sadness that infertility can bring about.

Lets tackle the fear together, you and I.  Continue to believe in miracles.

Define, Destroy, or Strengthen...which are you?

A friend of mine (and fellow infertile) used the following post on her Facebook account today which struck me as really deep and reflective.  It said:  "When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you."   Which do you choose?

As I sat and thought about that statement I realized how easy it would be to change that to say, "When Infertility happens, you have three choices:  you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you."  While we don't have the opportunity to choose infertility or even allowing it to happen to us, we don't have a choice in letting bad things happen to us either.  If we let it completely define us, we lose sense of what we have to offer and our entire life focuses around only the infertility and it's defining us.  If we let it destroy us, we are no better off and many times have lost things or people that were precious to us, not to mention we lose ourselves. We must let it strengthen us!  If we allow infertility to strengthen us it doesn't mean that we are going to let go of the issue altogether.  Rather, it helps us to find a new part of ourselves that we may have never otherwise encountered or come to know.

Infertility is a part of me, but it's not who I am or what I am.  Sure there are times I refer to myself in the sense as, "Yes, I am infertile," but it doesn't have to make up who I am.  I have a life outside just the infertility but I still can live the infertility 24/7 and it be a big part of me.   I am more than infertility.  I am a musician, an artist, a lover, an aunt, a daughter, a co-worker, and a teacher.  We have to find balance in our lives.  If we can find some sense of balance in our lives we can make it through even the toughest times.  That's not to say that I won't grieve, pout, be jealous, or even walk out of a room at the site of a baby or someone pregnant.  What it does mean is that I am open to the opportunity of growth in my life.  When we let it define and destroy us, we can never move beyond that hurt and the bitterness that accompanies it.  We must make sure that the yin and the yang are together and complete as one.

I chose to let infertility strengthen me.  Why?  Because the other options suck.  (Sorry...for the slang, but was there really any other option of a word?) When I started to let it define me in the past, I lost site of everything else in my life.  It nearly destroyed me.  My life was about nothing but infertility.  I had lost the balance.  I no longer did my artwork, played guitar,or even wrote. All I did was stare at infertility information, cried at the site of a baby, and felt hurt towards my husband because he didn't feel that same way I did....or at least he wasn't communicating it.  I couldn't live life knowing that I could lose everything for just the one thing I wanted more than anything.  I realized I needed a balance.

For me, the infertility struggle has strengthened me.  I have begun writing again.  Writing has always been a huge part of who I am and has been something I have always loved to do.  I found a new me in the writing and found it to be therapeutic.  A new me emerged!  I was now much stronger than ever before.  In reflection I looked back at the last 8 years and realized that even thought I really really wanted a child of my own, I was not completely ready in my life.  Would I have made myself ready? Sure.  I was just so caught up in the desire to have a child that I hadn't really made myself ready for the reality of a child.  We hadn't made "us" ready for a child.  The craziest thing is that I am okay with that.  I know I am more ready now than in the past, as is my husband.  When the time comes, I will know it was the right time. Until then I will have faith that it still is possible.  As I have said before, I won't stop believing in miracles.

So...when bad happens I chose to let it strengthen me?  How about you?