When I have the opportunity to be heading down the open road, I tend to think alot. Yesterday, as I was traveling for work, I found myself thinking alot about my infertility journey. Instantly a feeling of fear set over me...the kind that knots your stomach, makes you nauseated, and of which you can't shake. What was the root of this fear?
The fear inside of me is that my biological clock is nearing its end. The battery is running out. The Big Ben inside of me will no longer ring. The alarm won't snooze any longer. Why I am feeling this way I am not sure. Could it be that within 2 years I will be 40? Could it be that no one in my family has conceived past the age of 36? Could it be that I am seeing so many others that I travel this journey with also getting to this point where they are no longer able to hope for a child of their own but rather have to consider adoption as a possibility? Yes...it's all of the above.
Fear, however, is something that we must face. It's something that we must tackle head on. Sure I can sit behind my computer and say that but I myself am struggling with that fear right now with nausea in my stomach and an extra twinge of pain that hits it when someone asks me my age. Fear will remain with us no matter how hard we try to avoid or ignore it. The old saying that the only thing to fear is fear itself is completely true. I fear fear. I fear thinking about the negative possibilities of my future as a mother to a natural child of my own. I am an eternal pessimist.
How do we move beyond fear? We puke, sleep, scream, and etc. We do whatever it takes to push the fear out of our lives and we continue to breate. If we allow fear to control our lives we end up not living at all but rather avoiding situations and people. How is that living? When we allow fear to control us we end up living in the pit of depression and sadness that infertility can bring about.
Lets tackle the fear together, you and I. Continue to believe in miracles.
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