A friend of mine (and fellow infertile) used the following post on her Facebook account today which struck me as really deep and reflective. It said: "When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you." Which do you choose?
As I sat and thought about that statement I realized how easy it would be to change that to say, "When Infertility happens, you have three choices: you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you." While we don't have the opportunity to choose infertility or even allowing it to happen to us, we don't have a choice in letting bad things happen to us either. If we let it completely define us, we lose sense of what we have to offer and our entire life focuses around only the infertility and it's defining us. If we let it destroy us, we are no better off and many times have lost things or people that were precious to us, not to mention we lose ourselves. We must let it strengthen us! If we allow infertility to strengthen us it doesn't mean that we are going to let go of the issue altogether. Rather, it helps us to find a new part of ourselves that we may have never otherwise encountered or come to know.
Infertility is a part of me, but it's not who I am or what I am. Sure there are times I refer to myself in the sense as, "Yes, I am infertile," but it doesn't have to make up who I am. I have a life outside just the infertility but I still can live the infertility 24/7 and it be a big part of me. I am more than infertility. I am a musician, an artist, a lover, an aunt, a daughter, a co-worker, and a teacher. We have to find balance in our lives. If we can find some sense of balance in our lives we can make it through even the toughest times. That's not to say that I won't grieve, pout, be jealous, or even walk out of a room at the site of a baby or someone pregnant. What it does mean is that I am open to the opportunity of growth in my life. When we let it define and destroy us, we can never move beyond that hurt and the bitterness that accompanies it. We must make sure that the yin and the yang are together and complete as one.
I chose to let infertility strengthen me. Why? Because the other options suck. (Sorry...for the slang, but was there really any other option of a word?) When I started to let it define me in the past, I lost site of everything else in my life. It nearly destroyed me. My life was about nothing but infertility. I had lost the balance. I no longer did my artwork, played guitar,or even wrote. All I did was stare at infertility information, cried at the site of a baby, and felt hurt towards my husband because he didn't feel that same way I did....or at least he wasn't communicating it. I couldn't live life knowing that I could lose everything for just the one thing I wanted more than anything. I realized I needed a balance.
For me, the infertility struggle has strengthened me. I have begun writing again. Writing has always been a huge part of who I am and has been something I have always loved to do. I found a new me in the writing and found it to be therapeutic. A new me emerged! I was now much stronger than ever before. In reflection I looked back at the last 8 years and realized that even thought I really really wanted a child of my own, I was not completely ready in my life. Would I have made myself ready? Sure. I was just so caught up in the desire to have a child that I hadn't really made myself ready for the reality of a child. We hadn't made "us" ready for a child. The craziest thing is that I am okay with that. I know I am more ready now than in the past, as is my husband. When the time comes, I will know it was the right time. Until then I will have faith that it still is possible. As I have said before, I won't stop believing in miracles.
So...when bad happens I chose to let it strengthen me? How about you?
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