When the Ribbons Cross

Recently, celebrity reporter Guiliana Rancic announced that she was recently diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer.  For those followings he public journey with infertility of  her and her husband Bill Rancic (of "The Apprentice" fame), hopes were that this 3rd attempt with IVF would be the time that finally they would have their miracle.  As a result of testing required by the infertility specialist, Guiliana found out that she has the early stages of Breast Cancer.  She is only 37.

Improvements and developments in the media and communication have increased the knowledge and awareness of breast cancer and most recently diagnosis  in younger women (those under the age of 40).  Public figures like Guiliana Rancic, are bringing about the awareness of Breast Cancer into the public eye.  Only now, with both her public struggles with infertility and now breast cancer are we seeing the pink ribbon of breast cancer and the teal ribbon of infertility awareness crossing.  Why haven't we seen this before?  Surely there were others who struggled with infertility and cancer!  Why are people more apt to talking about cancer but not about infertility?

Studies have shown that women with infertility are at an increased risk for breast cancer and ovarian cancers although it's unknown if it's related to decreased or increased hormonal levels or progesterone and estrogen levels.  Controversy still surrounds the risks of infertility medications and cancer as well.  With this knowledge, why haven't ribbons crossed earlier?  Because people aren't standing up and speaking about it.

There still seems to be an issue with individuals coming out about their struggle.  People tend not to want to talk about infertility.  But they will talk about their boobs.  So if the reason is embarrassment, wouldn't it be just as embarrassing to talk about your boobs and cancer in said body parts?  Possibly the cause of hesitation is because of a feeling of being flawed.  While cancer is not generally something that one is born with, many people believe that they were born with infertility, even when that isn't the case.  A man is more likely to stand up and talk about having testicular cancer but not to admitting to low sperm counts or erectile disfunction (no matter how many times a viagra commercial might make you try and think otherwise).

Why should we be embarrassed about our infertility?   Are we afraid of the comments that will be made if people knew?  Guess what?  They are already talking and making comments...what's the difference.  If we don't stand up and start talking about it we can't expect others to become aware and to stand up for us.  But its not just our infertility...its our overall health.  I found myself recently becoming so obsessed with things and overwhelmed with responsibilities and keeping myself busy that I ended up sick.  Severe tonsilities (with a possiblity of Strep...the cultures are yet to be finished...) has now left me speechless in talk but not in my written genre!

Take care of your health.  You are the only "you" that "you" have.

The Fear Factor

When I have the opportunity to be heading down the open road, I tend to think alot.  Yesterday, as I was traveling for work, I found myself thinking alot about my infertility journey.  Instantly a feeling of fear set over me...the kind that knots your stomach, makes you nauseated, and of which you can't shake.  What was the root of this fear?

The fear inside of me is that my biological clock is nearing its end.  The battery is running out.  The Big Ben inside of me will no longer ring.  The alarm won't snooze any longer.  Why I am feeling this way I am not sure.  Could it be that within 2 years I will be 40?  Could it be that no one in my family has conceived past the age of 36?  Could it be that I am seeing so many others that I travel this journey with also getting to this point where they are no longer able to hope for a child of their own but rather have to consider adoption as a possibility?  Yes...it's all of the above.

Fear, however, is something that we must face.  It's something that we must tackle head on.  Sure I can sit behind my computer and say that but I myself am struggling with that fear right now with nausea in my stomach and an extra twinge of pain that hits it when someone asks me my age.  Fear will remain with us no matter how hard we try to avoid or ignore it.  The old saying that the only thing to fear is fear itself is completely true.  I fear fear.  I fear thinking about the negative possibilities of my future as a mother to a natural child of my own.  I am an eternal pessimist.

How do we move beyond fear?  We puke, sleep, scream, and etc.  We do whatever it takes to push the fear out of our lives and we continue to breate.  If we allow fear to control our lives we end up not living at all but rather avoiding situations and people.  How is that living?  When we allow fear to control us we end up living in the pit of depression and sadness that infertility can bring about.

Lets tackle the fear together, you and I.  Continue to believe in miracles.

Define, Destroy, or Strengthen...which are you?

A friend of mine (and fellow infertile) used the following post on her Facebook account today which struck me as really deep and reflective.  It said:  "When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you."   Which do you choose?

As I sat and thought about that statement I realized how easy it would be to change that to say, "When Infertility happens, you have three choices:  you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you."  While we don't have the opportunity to choose infertility or even allowing it to happen to us, we don't have a choice in letting bad things happen to us either.  If we let it completely define us, we lose sense of what we have to offer and our entire life focuses around only the infertility and it's defining us.  If we let it destroy us, we are no better off and many times have lost things or people that were precious to us, not to mention we lose ourselves. We must let it strengthen us!  If we allow infertility to strengthen us it doesn't mean that we are going to let go of the issue altogether.  Rather, it helps us to find a new part of ourselves that we may have never otherwise encountered or come to know.

Infertility is a part of me, but it's not who I am or what I am.  Sure there are times I refer to myself in the sense as, "Yes, I am infertile," but it doesn't have to make up who I am.  I have a life outside just the infertility but I still can live the infertility 24/7 and it be a big part of me.   I am more than infertility.  I am a musician, an artist, a lover, an aunt, a daughter, a co-worker, and a teacher.  We have to find balance in our lives.  If we can find some sense of balance in our lives we can make it through even the toughest times.  That's not to say that I won't grieve, pout, be jealous, or even walk out of a room at the site of a baby or someone pregnant.  What it does mean is that I am open to the opportunity of growth in my life.  When we let it define and destroy us, we can never move beyond that hurt and the bitterness that accompanies it.  We must make sure that the yin and the yang are together and complete as one.

I chose to let infertility strengthen me.  Why?  Because the other options suck.  (Sorry...for the slang, but was there really any other option of a word?) When I started to let it define me in the past, I lost site of everything else in my life.  It nearly destroyed me.  My life was about nothing but infertility.  I had lost the balance.  I no longer did my artwork, played guitar,or even wrote. All I did was stare at infertility information, cried at the site of a baby, and felt hurt towards my husband because he didn't feel that same way I did....or at least he wasn't communicating it.  I couldn't live life knowing that I could lose everything for just the one thing I wanted more than anything.  I realized I needed a balance.

For me, the infertility struggle has strengthened me.  I have begun writing again.  Writing has always been a huge part of who I am and has been something I have always loved to do.  I found a new me in the writing and found it to be therapeutic.  A new me emerged!  I was now much stronger than ever before.  In reflection I looked back at the last 8 years and realized that even thought I really really wanted a child of my own, I was not completely ready in my life.  Would I have made myself ready? Sure.  I was just so caught up in the desire to have a child that I hadn't really made myself ready for the reality of a child.  We hadn't made "us" ready for a child.  The craziest thing is that I am okay with that.  I know I am more ready now than in the past, as is my husband.  When the time comes, I will know it was the right time. Until then I will have faith that it still is possible.  As I have said before, I won't stop believing in miracles.

So...when bad happens I chose to let it strengthen me?  How about you?

Courage

Courage as defined by Dictionary.com is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, pain, or danger, etc. without fear.  It also states that it focuses on the heart being the source of the emotion.  A couple of weeks ago, someone came up to me at an event and told me that it took a lot of courage to talk about the roller coaster of a ride that we call infertility.  I had never thought of what I was doing as courageous. 

Throughout my life I was always told that you were to deal with the hand that life dealt you and you were to accept that there was a reason for everything that happened in life.  As I have gotten older I have had such difficulty understanding why I got dealt the hand I got from life and also why things happen.  (While I would like to throw religion and faith into the discussion here, I know that others going through this too don't see it necessarily in that same way so I will refrain from religious talk for now.) Maybe today is one of those bad days I have talked about, but for some reason, I continue to think about this concept.  Why was I dealt the hand I was?  What am I supposed to do?  Wait around and just hope that I get a different hand sometime or do I fold and walk away?  Sometimes it would be easy to walk away, but even then, you remember that you walked away from something and you still continue to hurt and it still affects you.

Let me give you a visual picture to think about.  If you are not an infertile person, look at your life now.  Now look at your life without your children, spouse, partner, etc.  While you may at first think that your life would be different, and you'd be right, 9 out of 10 of you would realize that in your life you'd feel there was a large missing piece.  How do you continue on?  Courage.

So why can't I see myself as courageous?  Is it because I feel a slight bit of selfishness or guilt in my desire to have a child?  Why can't I just accept the hand I have been dealt in life?  Because I believe.  I believe that miracles do exist.   I believe that there is a higher power (darn...there goes not bringing faith and religion into the conversation...).  And most of all I believe that if that higher power  (aka, GOD to me...) is an epitome of complete love for his creation, then I have to believe that my God wouldn't allow my heart to hurt for my entire lifetime.

I may be courageous for finally standing up and speaking out about infertility and raising awareness, but it takes more courage to live the life of an infertile woman.  Couple who deal with infertility have a greater strain on their relationships than most.  Not only do they deal with the struggles of not being able to conceive naturally or for some at all, but they are faced with the financial difficulties that occur when they are going through treatment after treatment.  It does take courage to stand up to people who criticize you when you speak about the cost and struggles with infertility treatments.  Especially when they say things like, "If you can't afford this how are you going to afford having a child?"  or "This is God punishing you for something you must have done wrong."  It takes courage to stand in a room and see friend after friend or family member after family member announcing their pregnancy...especially when they follow it up with the phrase:  "we weren't even really trying."  It takes courage to walk into the grocery store, dollar store, or pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test every time you have to take a test (or because the "monthly visitor" has yet to rear her ugly head), knowing the likelihood you will see two lines is slim and yet have the cashier look at you and offer a "congratulations...do you think you are pregnant?"

I can't call myself courageous even though I walk this walk.  I can only see myself as an advocate and someone struggling with infertility.  While I thank the person who offered my the compliment of "being courageous," I impose this charge to everyone reading this:  don't sit back and only read this.  Be courageous for those like me.  Stand up and be an advocate.  Only through more people spreading the word about infertility awareness will we get the word out and differences be made. 

I don't know if I make that much of a difference with this simple blog, but I promise to not stop writing.  Not until there are more people standing up and speaking out and making a difference.  We have the opportunity to make a difference.  If not you, then who?