Courage

Courage as defined by Dictionary.com is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, pain, or danger, etc. without fear.  It also states that it focuses on the heart being the source of the emotion.  A couple of weeks ago, someone came up to me at an event and told me that it took a lot of courage to talk about the roller coaster of a ride that we call infertility.  I had never thought of what I was doing as courageous. 

Throughout my life I was always told that you were to deal with the hand that life dealt you and you were to accept that there was a reason for everything that happened in life.  As I have gotten older I have had such difficulty understanding why I got dealt the hand I got from life and also why things happen.  (While I would like to throw religion and faith into the discussion here, I know that others going through this too don't see it necessarily in that same way so I will refrain from religious talk for now.) Maybe today is one of those bad days I have talked about, but for some reason, I continue to think about this concept.  Why was I dealt the hand I was?  What am I supposed to do?  Wait around and just hope that I get a different hand sometime or do I fold and walk away?  Sometimes it would be easy to walk away, but even then, you remember that you walked away from something and you still continue to hurt and it still affects you.

Let me give you a visual picture to think about.  If you are not an infertile person, look at your life now.  Now look at your life without your children, spouse, partner, etc.  While you may at first think that your life would be different, and you'd be right, 9 out of 10 of you would realize that in your life you'd feel there was a large missing piece.  How do you continue on?  Courage.

So why can't I see myself as courageous?  Is it because I feel a slight bit of selfishness or guilt in my desire to have a child?  Why can't I just accept the hand I have been dealt in life?  Because I believe.  I believe that miracles do exist.   I believe that there is a higher power (darn...there goes not bringing faith and religion into the conversation...).  And most of all I believe that if that higher power  (aka, GOD to me...) is an epitome of complete love for his creation, then I have to believe that my God wouldn't allow my heart to hurt for my entire lifetime.

I may be courageous for finally standing up and speaking out about infertility and raising awareness, but it takes more courage to live the life of an infertile woman.  Couple who deal with infertility have a greater strain on their relationships than most.  Not only do they deal with the struggles of not being able to conceive naturally or for some at all, but they are faced with the financial difficulties that occur when they are going through treatment after treatment.  It does take courage to stand up to people who criticize you when you speak about the cost and struggles with infertility treatments.  Especially when they say things like, "If you can't afford this how are you going to afford having a child?"  or "This is God punishing you for something you must have done wrong."  It takes courage to stand in a room and see friend after friend or family member after family member announcing their pregnancy...especially when they follow it up with the phrase:  "we weren't even really trying."  It takes courage to walk into the grocery store, dollar store, or pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test every time you have to take a test (or because the "monthly visitor" has yet to rear her ugly head), knowing the likelihood you will see two lines is slim and yet have the cashier look at you and offer a "congratulations...do you think you are pregnant?"

I can't call myself courageous even though I walk this walk.  I can only see myself as an advocate and someone struggling with infertility.  While I thank the person who offered my the compliment of "being courageous," I impose this charge to everyone reading this:  don't sit back and only read this.  Be courageous for those like me.  Stand up and be an advocate.  Only through more people spreading the word about infertility awareness will we get the word out and differences be made. 

I don't know if I make that much of a difference with this simple blog, but I promise to not stop writing.  Not until there are more people standing up and speaking out and making a difference.  We have the opportunity to make a difference.  If not you, then who?