At the end of 2010, my hopes and resolution was to make 2011 a better year. I realized that I had to be alot more specific as while it was as not as bad of a year as 2010, it was a decent year. What I wanted the most was to have a child of my own. That didn't happen. As we prepared to bring 2011 to a close, some of our hopes of naturally conceiving are also coming to a close.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very challenging. We heard news on Christmas Eve that only brought the joy that Christmas should be filled with to a sadness that no one would ever have to experience. And worse of all was spending time with all the families on Christmas Eve and Day. Families that now we were beginning to think would never happen or us anymore. On Christmas Eve we found out from a reliable source that the new infertility specialist that we were hoping would have some answers is in the position only for the money. Evidently she orders tests after test after test regardless of the fact that the tests have been done multiple times before. She states that if a person can't afford the workups, they have no reason to be trying to conceive. Doesn't she realize that most infertiles, by the time they get to her, have already gone through test after test after test and many have gone into debt before getting to her? It was a bit disheartening. And worse of all, its through a Catholic based health system she works through.
Then, a couple days after Christmas we finally got a call back from the local Catholic Charities adoption program. We were informed that if we were interested, it would be $150 for the intake, $1000 for a home study, and then anywhere from $8000 to $16,000 for placement and adoption. This is money we don't have. By the time we saved up enough money to do this on our own we would be too old to be considered for adoption. We've just spent the last 5 1/2 years paying off a loan for the last infertility treatments. The end of the loan we are currently under is at the end of May.
So...what hope do we have for 2012? We don't know. Right now we are taking everything day by day. We know that there are no miracle funds out there to help us become a family. It's something we want badly and feel incomplete without. But we won't give up trying to achieve. I know it's expensive to have a child, but to add the extra costs just in order to adopt a child also seems unfair as well. And the harder part is that it's Catholic organizations who are doing this....it appears as if its just a money making religion. And here I am Catholic. I work for free as the Director of Religious Education and the confirmation teacher. I volunteer at my local Church in the Choir. I am involved in a local Catholic retreat program. And while I don't expect reimbursement for all I do from the Catholic Church, it appears they want money more and more for every single thing they do. They were right...nothing in life is free. Jesus was also right...give to Caesar what is Caesar's. Unfortunately, the Catholic Church must be the new Caesar.
So, we look now at the local Department of Family and Children Services. Likely we will have to accept a child with disabilities in order to complete our family. Pray for us. Can we handle that? Pray for what we can handle. Pray that our family is complete by this time next year. Soon we will begin taking classes in hopes to be considered for adoption. Pray that all goes well. And more so, pray we get a miracle.
I won't stop believing in Miracles.
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