For One Moment in Time

It all happened in one moment...a moment that seemed to pan for forever.  Wednesday we got a call for our first placement with the local County Department of Children Services.  However, it wasn't only just one placement but rather a sibling placement.  A three year old and supposedly 3 month old.  My heart jumped as I asked for a few moments to call and clear it with my husband as this would impact the two of us..not just me. So many things went through my head but the one thing that shouted out the loudest was that I would be a mommy.  Something I had waited for so long for.

 

As my husband and I went to pick up these two little ones, excitement filled us.  Yet part of me felt like I was in some way turning my back on the little girl we had been hoping to adopt these last 6 months.  Realistically, we weren't giving up hope on the little girl but rather it was because of this little girl that we realized we could do this "parenting" thing after all.  The little girl we have visited and played with and had gotten to know had opened us up to realizing that our fears were just fears...they weren't reality.

 

Yet this journey of infertility hasn't stopped.  We won't stop trying to have our own child, but we have realized we can love a child that isn't our own flesh and blood no matter what.  Could it also be the little snuggling boy with his head resting against me as I fed him at 4 a.m this morning or his sister at 5:30 a.m. who climbed up onto the chair to snuggle up against me as she awoke early this morning?  For that one moment in time I truly felt like someone's mommy....a feeling I had never felt until now.

 

These special little ones placed in our life may be only for a moment.  Whether it be 3 months or 6 months, 1 year or 2 years, or even for a lifetime, our lives have been changed forever.  We won't ever forget the little girl that gave us our hope back...and we will never forget these two little ones who have truly helped us in the 2 short days they have been a part of our family to remember to Believe in Miracles.

Not so "sweet" emotion

Emotionally, these last several months have been crazy.  I don't think I realized how many emotions one person could experience in one day until these last couple of months.  I have been slack at writing on my blog since July as we have been trying to prepare our lives and our home for the next hopeful step in our lives....foster care and adoption.  While we know where we want to be headed, so much of the process is in the hands of someone else other than us and God.  It's currently in the hands of someone else who makes the decision if we are fit enough to have a foster child in our home...if our home is good enough...if we are good enough.  The waiting sucks.

 

I know that whether I was personally pregnant or whether we are choosing to adopt, there will always be a sense of waiting that must occur.   At least if I could have been pregnant I would know that usually the gestational time doesn't go past nine months.  With our foster care and adoption process we don't have that option.  What if the child that we fall in love with ends up not being able to become our child legally?  What is the judge chooses a family member that is a total stranger to that child over us?  What if we don't get approved?  We are warned to guard our hearts but how do you guard your heart when a family is everything you ever wanted? 

 

The wait gets harder.  Every time I hear of another person becoming pregnant either on Facebook or in my life, it makes the wait longer and the fear that we won't be good enough to be foster parents (or even just a parent) even greater.  Emotionally it drains me.  The future is uncertain...how can I plan for anything, hope for anything, when we are in the wait.  Every ring of the phone or piece of mail that comes to our mailbox is anticipated to be some sort of news on this path of ours to become a family but usually ends with disappointed as we continue to wait.

 

Emotions run high now with anger as I watch so many young pregnant women who are so complacent about what it is that they carry inside of them.  Has our society lost site of the fact that the act of conceiving a child is really a miracle?  Especially when statistically that egg and sperm have such a small window of opportunity to meet and actually join together and then the further complication of making it to the uterus where it has to implant into the wall.  It truly is a miracle.  In my eyes I would do everything to assure that the miracle I would be lucky enough to have (if only I was lucky enough) inside me was cared for in such a way that I wouldn't put it at risk for disease, developmental delays, or even the risk of death.  Why don't these pregnant women who smoke and drink and abuse their bodies in other ways during their pregnancies not care about that miracle?  Emotionally I want to scream.

 

I know that there would be fear irregardless of whether I was carrying a child of my own of the process we are currently going through.  I guess that is where hope comes into play.  I won't stop believing in miracles.  It has gotten us this far.  When I feel like giving in and giving up I continue to look at the silicone bracelet I wear that says BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.  Maybe our miracle will still come...whether adopted or conceived on our own.  I just know that when I look into the eyes of the child we hope to have as ours someday and hear that child call me Mommy or my husband Daddy, that I believe a little hard and hold on stronger to hope.

 

If you are in the same boat, don't give up.  Keep believing and keep praying.

Remembering

As I glanced at the last few posts that I wrote on this blog, I realized that I hadn't written in over a month.  Our lives have been filled with happiness and a variety of other emotions as we have been preparing for the dreaded Home Study in order to get our licensure to be Foster parents. With our goal of having a family our focus right now we have begun to rid our home of the things that bogged us down.  I mean, really...so many of us want to lose weight and make other changes in our life but never get to it until we are forced to for some reason, right?  For us it was the collection of 9+ years of clutter and old memories that really aren't even memories anymore as we had forgotten why we even kept something from that 9 years ago.  Regardless of what it is we have to declutter our live in order to make room for new memories and room for a child.  So why then do I hold on to the old feelings of frustration and failure as I look at my life and my inability to conceive?  Why can't I rid that in my life?

 

I was re reminded of the pain of infertility and my own challenges and failings in my life with the announcement of yet another person I know finding out that they were pregnant...without even trying.  I have tried for so long.  I have let go and said "if it happens, it happens," and I have even resolved to the idea that a foster or adopted child would still be my child irregardless.  However, I still remember the feelings and the pain of my infertility.  I remember the pain when someone else who has struggled from infertility announces their pregnancy and then proceeds to talk about the wonderfulness of pregnancy for 9 months.  The wonderfulness that I will never experience.  I remember the pain when my cycle goes from being somewhat normalized for several months to now being nearly 50 days in, hopeful that maybe I will see a plus sign this month only for the hopes to be dashed with test after test coming back negative.  I remember what it feels like to feel all along once again...even though I know there are people out there on my friends list or even followers of this blog that are going through the same thing or similar experiences as me.  I remember as I try to maintain intimacy with my husband how these moments still will be unfruitful and we will not multiply.  I remember it all.

 

It was just over a year ago that I first started this blog.  I am proud of where it has gone and I hope that it continues to keep growing and going forward.  As I read back on some of my past blogs I remember the emotion, the stories, the events even that prompted those posts. These memories I will not clear from my life.  They are part of my life that I can't toss away.  I recall most recently being asked on the Foster Care Licensure Family inventory a question regarding infertility that asked how we had dealt with infertility is that was an issue.  It even hinted to the idea that they wanted to know how we had "gotten over" the issue or resolved it.  As I sat and thought about it I came to the conclusion that you never truly get over infertility.  It sticks with you the rest of your life...regardless if you are trying for your first, your second, or your third.  Infertility is a horrible thing regardless.  While I have grown from these experiences and not the same person I was a year ago, I will never be able to throw this journey away like the clutter I got rid of at my home.  I have met many people who go through the same things I have.  If I hadn't had this journey I probably wouldn't have met the person who has brought us to this point of foster care and adoption and the potential for our family to become a reality.

 

I haven't stopped believing in miracles.  I glance at this bracelet on my wrist at least a hundred times a day and each time I stop and say a prayer...whether it for me, one of my many friends on this same journey, or for the child that we hope someday will be ours. My journey isn't over.  Even after 9+ years of trying to conceive, our journey to our family becoming a reality is still at the beginning.  For today I will keep looking at this bracelet and those words and remember where and why they came to be.

 

Don't stop believing in miracles.

Without seeing...

"I never thought I could fall in love without ever seeing with my eyes.  I never knew my soul could feel the way it does about someone not even of my own flesh and blood."

A few weeks ago if you told me that I could love a child that wasn't my own flesh and blood as if it was my own I would have dismissed you and your ideas.  However, now I would agree.  My husband and I have been talking in the past about becoming licensed as foster parents with an intention to adopt.  Several of my posts have in the past touched on this idea.  With vigor in our step we are racing to get all the paperwork and classes completed in order to get it down sooner rather than later.  Recently we fell in love.  We fell in love with a child even before having the opportunity to meet that child.  Our hearts were smitten.  For a few moments we completely forgot about our infertility struggle.  Only for a few moments.

I won't take this time to talk about the child, who they are, or anything of that matter as it is too soon to dwell on it and the privacy of all parties involved is important.  Someday...someday, if and when all has culminated into my husband and I having this addition to our family legally, then and only then can and will we share about some of that part of the journey.  At that point it shouldn't matter anyways as they will be legally our child...our son or daughter.  Rather, I choose to use my post today to talk about this role in our infertility journey.

I think I need to clarify things.  I've spent alot of time thinking these last few weeks about adoption, foster care, and our infertility.  Just because we have the opportunity to possibly adopt doesn't mean that I have forgotten completely about my infertility.  Likewise, we didn't fall head over heals for this child because of our infertility as some as you may think.  We fell head over heals because the time was right.  We fell head over heals because God made it possible for it to happen.  This child doesn't serve as a substitute for a child of our own.  Rather, this child becomes and is a part of our heart from the start.  Even if it didn't work out for us to adopt this child, we know now that it is possible to love that greatly and to live such a warming and full life.  We had been warned to guard our hearts so that if it didn't work out that it wouldn't hurt so bad.  But if you guard your heart you can not fully give and accept the love that a parent needs to have.  While we speak as if our hearts are guarded, we know deep down that we couldn't block the heart from totally accepting this child eyes and smile and love into it. 

Our biggest road block thus far has been negativity by a few individuals in our life.  The positive I have received from their negativity is a strength beyond anything I ever thought imaginable.  We have chosen to fill our life through this process with positivity.  I have spoken throughout my blog about the importance of believing in miracles.  Negativity creates an obstacle to believing in the positive.  It creates an inability to believe that miracles are possible.   Recently when I got depressed thinking that this kind of miracle couldn't happen to and for us because we don't get miracles, I was reminded by a friend that part of believing in miracles is believing that they can happen and that they can happen to us.

The journey of infertility is long.  Adoption doesn't make us any less infertile.  Adoption isn't a cure to infertility.  For us though, it is to road that is opening our eyes and our hearts to the possible.  It is the road that is opening our eyes to miracles. 

Don't stop believing in miracles.  I won't.  You can't.  Together we will continue to walk this journey hand in hand, educating others in the pain and struggle we endure, all while hoping for miracles to come out way.  Believe in Miracles.

When Tears Stream...

July 4, 2011.  Its a day that will forever be in my memory.  For most people, July 4th marks a day full of cook outs and family fun.  On that fourth of July, my life was anything but fun.  My husband and I had just come back the day before from a wedding of a relative. I had spent alot of time that weekend feeling invisable.  Invisable because we were one of the only childless couples in attendance at that wedding.  Invisable because even the in laws paid attention more to their grandchild that was there and left us out of doing things with them and other families with kids.  We were forgotten about.  We were invisable.  And inside I was hurting over yet another negative pregnancy test.

On that fourth of July I sat and cried.  Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them.  I shook.  I rocked back and fourth.  I even tried to get my husband to leave me alone that day and go down to the lake house to spend time with his family.  I wanted to be alone. Yet there was fear inside of me about what I would have done had I been all alone.  I was depressed.  I was that depressed.  There was once again someone announcing they were expecting on Facebook or in an email.  There were pictures of new born babies being sent to my email from people not realizing just how it was hurting me and impacting me.  I wanted to ease the pain.  Alcohol couldn't give me any relief...it just made me more depressed.  I couldn't stop sobbing.  I couldn't understand why me....why us.  Others just wanted me to forget about having a child.  Others said to me that maybe it was God's way of telling me I wouldn't be a good mother or that maybe all I would be able to have were defective children.  I couldn't get thoughts like that out of my head.

It was also on that night that my husband wrapped me in his arms and told me that he wasn't giving up...and he wasn't going to let me give up either.  And he let me cry...and shake...and rock.  And he wiped my tears and made me pull myself together and leave the house that evening.  He made me take my first steps out the front door and keep living life.

I want nothing more than to be a mom.  To have a child of mine and my husband's.  I felt like a failure.  I felt flawed.  How could I consider myself a woman if the parts of my physical body that made me a woman didn't work?  No one I knew at that time understood.  No one could walk with me and put their arms around me and tell me it would be ok.  I was alone.  I was invisible.

In the year since that day...that day that I will never forget...I have gained a strength I never knew I would or could even have.  I met a group of others going through that same journey as me on Facebook.  I met others who cried those same tears I was crying.  I have yet to meet any of them face to face yet their support every single day helps me through this journey.  It was because of them that I started this blog. They gave me the courage to move forward, wake up each day, and to not give up.  They remind me to always believe in miracles....even when I feel like giving up.

I write this blog not just for me but for every single one of them.  I write this blog out of hope that if it helps even just one person today or tomorrow or a year from now and keeps them from giving up, then every word I type is worth it.  Every part of my life shared is worth it.

I wear my Believe in Miracles bracelet not just for me.  I wear it for every single person who struggles with this painful lonely journey.  I am not alone.  I am part of a bigger sister and brother hood.  I won't stop believing.  I will wake up each day, put on my shoes, and walk out that front door and face each day. 

When tears stream down you face, I will be there.  Don't stop believing in miracles.

One Day at a Time

I haven't written on here in almost a month.  It's hard to believe how time has flown by!  One of the things I have learned through our journey with infertility is the need to be patient.  And patience is the last thing in the world that I am often able to do.  What I have learned most this last month is to take each day one day at a time.  This is a necessity when on the infertility journey.

Just a day after my birthday last month (May 15th for the inquiring minds....) our hopes of being pregnant that month were dashed.  I had actually ovulated on my own for the first time really ever that month.  I remember doing three different ovulation test kits that month just to make sure that I had really seen two lines on the test.  When the 15th came and I had hoped to maybe find out I was pregnant on my birthday, it instead turned out to be negative. Big Fat Negative.  The next day, the monthly visitor reared her ugly head.  But I ovulated.  What a miracle this was!  Where I normally would have been upset that I wasn't pregnant I was relieved that I finally ovulated.  This month we are in the two week wait as once again ovulation occurred.  Another miracle.  I had begun to wonder if last months occurrence was a fluke when once again the OPK (ovulation predictor kits) came up with two lines and the ovulation twinges in the ovaries occurred.  One day at a time...

Sometimes taking each day as it comes helps us to let go of the anxiety and the desire to control things ourselves.  I am a control freak...I will admit it.  I hate it when things don't come in my time or when I planned it.  Maybe part of what I am learning most is to let go and relax...enjoy each day as it comes.  As I watch family and friends who have children or recently have had children, I am reminded that children grow up and once a child enters your life, your life is never the same.

My goal for this next year is to work on accepting each day as it comes.  I want to be pregnant and have children more than anything in the world.  My heart aches because of this desire.  Today, though, I will live as today.  I will work at enjoying each day of this two week wait before the next home pregnancy test.  While each day I think that maybe this time it worked and that maybe this time there will be two lines on the pregnancy test, I at least have hope each of these days.  A renewed hope that a couple months ago left me ready to throw in the towel.  Today I continue to believe in miracles because miracles are possible today if only I take it one day at a time.

Birthday Wishes

When the alarm clock went off this morning the last thing I wanted to do was actually get out of bed.  I was dreading going to work because as usual, I anticipated that once again they would rush out at the last minute when they realized it was my birthday today, get a card and whatever cheesey gift could be purchased at the local drugstore.  I imagined that today of all days  I would fell more alone than anyone could feel, regardless of the fact I have a husband, siblings, and parents alive.  Yes...today is my birthday.  But not just any birthday.  It's my 39th birthday.  The birthday before the big "OMG you are how old?" 40th birthday.  I know that I will feel each minute for the next year tick away slowly and reminding me that I am indeed hitting a milestone.  So many people have messaged me when they saw on my Facebook account that I was having a birthday today that 39 was not that old.  Normally this would be true.  In fertility years it means I am one step closer to menopause.  It means that my biological clock is about to explode.

For the last several years, everytime I was lucky enough to have a cake with candles on it that didn't start a small forest fire,  I wished to have a child as I was blowing out the candles.  But here I sit still with nothing.  Part of me hoped that this year would be the year....that maybe I would have a positive test on my birthday.  Instead, I am left with uncertainty.  An uncertain pregnancy test.  Did I see a very very very faint second line or is it all in my head because I want it tht much?  Did I test too early?  So, again its just a waiting game.

And yet the birthday I thought would suck the most has not been such a bad birthday...even with the unknown in front of me.  Glimpsing at my Facebook page I was amazed at how many people took the time from their day to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It amazed me.  It was authentic.  It meant alot to me.  Most of all, I didn't feel alone.

To all those of you who have wished me a happy birtday I say thanks you.  Once again my birthday wish this year as I blow out the candle on my gluten free cake will be the same...to one day hold a bundle of joy in my arms.  Until then I gotta keep believing in miracles.

The Waiting Game

One of the first lines of the Celine Dion song, "A New Day Has Come" says,

                                                   "I was waiting for so long
                                                    For a miracle to come
                                                    Everyone told me to be strong
                                                   Hold on, and don't shed a tear"

So often I feel like my life has been one large waiting game.  And here, once again, I am in that 2 week wait, hoping and praying that in a little over a week from now there will be two lines on the over the counter pregnancy test.  The worst thing of it all is that this Sunday is Mother's Day.  For many of us "Infertiles" (as so often dubbed), it is the worst day of the year.  It's a reminder to us that we are inadequate...or at least that's how we feel.  Sure we all have a mother and we can celebrate them.  However, nothing is worse than the feeling in my heart I get after hearing how all my friends and family that have children celebrated Mother's Day or what they got.  Is it about a gift or card or flowers?  No...it's about hearing someone say "Thank you Mom" or "I love you Mommy."

The two week wait is the worst!  For those of you who have experienced the two week wait, you know that your mind starts playing tricks on you and while you try not to hope that it will finally be a big fat positive, it still ruminates and sits in your entire being.  You start to think that every twinge means it for sure will be negative or for sure will be positive.  You deal with depression on the days your mind tells you that it has to be negative and you feel nothing but giddiness on the days you think that this time it just has to be positive.  Tears flow on and off like a broken faucet.

Waiting is hard.  It's even harder when its at this time of the year.  It has been difficult for some time because not only because of it being mother's day but rather because every year, Mother's Day is only a couple of days before my birthday.  This year I will be 39.  (I hate even typing that number!)  My biological clock is so loud now that I can barely think about anything else but wanting to become a mom.  Waiting.  I sit here and wait.

Strength is not one of my strong characteristics this week or ever this time of year.  As Mother's Day approaches I ask you all to do one favor.  As you go to your Mom's home (or aunt or grandmother who raised you) or celebrate your life as a parent (whether a mother or a father if you are one...) I ask you to take a few minutes to say a little prayer for all those of us struggling to make it through that day.  And pray for those who have lost a mother at this time.  I am fortunate that both my parents are still alive and I am grateful for my Mom and Grandma.

This is not my typical blog but it was something on my mind as I wait.  I haven't given up.  I still believe in miracles.

Don't ignore...

I close my eyes each night, hoping when I awaken the next morning that the nightmare of infertility will have only been just that...a nightmare.  The medications that cover the bathroom counter top, the pregnancy test and ovulation kit boxes that litter the cabinet below it like a volcanic eruption, and the "X" that marks off each day in red that yet another day has gone by in this cycle leading to likely another big fat negative on the over the counter pregnancy test.  It's been 9 years this May.  I have infertility.  I can't ignore that fact.  It runs through my brain like a turtle trying to make it to the finish line of a race...it's constantly in slow motion serving as a constant reminder.  9 years.  108 cycles.  Over 3240 nights of waking up hoping that it would all be over.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week.  It happens every year. So, why is this year so different?  This year, individuals like myself are coming out from behind our tear stained bed sheets and from only our little online support groups and standing up.  We don't want to ignore our infertility anymore, hoping that it's only a nightmare that we hope to wake up from.  WE are acknowledging it.  WE are taking ownership to it.  And We are seeking support for it.  I may be one of 7.3 million people affected by infertility, but I am not alone in this fight.

Please DON'T IGNORE us.  Walk with us on our infertility journeys.  So many of us live our lives hiding behind a wall of sadness as we look forward to a future and can't see beyond the pain of living childless.  We fear coming out from under the comfort of blankets and letting others know we suffer from this.  We fear the words that hurt us like knives stabbing us over and over again..."just relax," "just adopt," and "having children isn't what its cracked up to be."

DON'T IGNORE our Pain.  It is real.  It isn't in our head.  We can't just get over the desire to be a mother or a father.  Nothing fills us more than that desire to be called "Mom" or "Dad" and hold that miracle in our arms.  Don't ignore us when yet another positive pregnancy test results in a miscarriage.  Or another pregnancy test is a negative.  Or when we have to turn our head away to hide the tears streaming down our face in the grocery store as we see another smiling woman rubbing her pregnant belly.

DON'T IGNORE the video we posted on our Facebook or Twitter accounts just because you don't think Infertility affects you.  It's not just my disease.  It is your disease too!  Infertility will not just go away.  You can't hide it under the bed or in a closet.  It's real.  I am real.  I am one.  And I will keep speaking out about it.

DON'T IGNORE my feelings.  Words hurt.  Mother's Day and Father's Day hurts.  I may have a mother and a father but I may never know what it feels like to be appreciated in that way.  I may never receive a hand written card from my child telling me how much they love me...my child may never exist.  That love may never exist.   I desire to be a parent.  Don't tell me to move on or say that maybe that's the way God wants it.  You aren't God.

I question every decision I make.  "Am I taking the right vitamins, eating the right food, seeing the right doctor."  Medical bill after medical bill arrives in the mail, developing into a mountain of expenses and frustration over finances. My spouse and I argue over the expenses and finance.  Please try to understand.  How do you say "enough is enough" when you heart longs for something that comes so easily for others?  I have feelings.  I have emotion.  Don't ignore them.

I am fighting everyday a battle.  An emotion, physical, and spiritual battle.  It shakes us to the core.  But I will not be defeated.  I will fight back.  I will not ignore my desire to be a mom.  I will not ignore this infertility.

Walk with us.  Post about infertility and how it affects you.  Don't be afraid or sit behind the comfort of your computer screen and not become involved.  I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says, "Believe in Miracles."  I don't give up hope.  I believe in miracles.  Walk with me on my journey.  I may be one.  But I am not alone.

I Am One

I am One.  I am 1 in 8 couples that experiances and lives with infertility.  I am one person who can stand up with my voice and be heard.  But I can only be heard if you listen.  If you listen and you pass the message on, then one of the other 1 in 8 couples might hear and find the support they need.  Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week.  It's a week I wish didn't have to exist, but it does.  This year, on this week, I will stand up and speak every day so that others might hear.

As I think about this week I think about the first blog entry I wrote last fall.  A year ago, I might not have stood up and have been willing to make public this journey we are on.  A year makes a difference.  I have learned alot this year.  I have learned that if  I want the world to change I must stand up and help it change.  I learned that what I go through today in my life may not be what I will go through tomorrow.  And most of all, while I am one, I am not alone.

7.3 million people suffer from infertility.  That's an astonishing number.  7.3 millions people may times suffer through their infertility in silence?  So why are there so many people trying to hush those of us standing up and speaking about our struggle?  Why are we being blamed for our infertility when it many times has nothing to do with what we did or didn't do?  Unless we stand up and speak up we will only remain nothing more than a rock in the dirt.  Rock's don't move unless picked up and tossed.  If we are afraid to speak because others might find out we are dealing with infertility and we are afraid they will place judgement on us, then we will only continue to struggle without relief.  This pertains to not just infertility...it is about any issue that affects our life.

I am One.  But I am one who believes that miracles are possible.  Just because they haven't happened to me doesn't mean that they won't happen. 

Today is your wake up call.  Are you going to just sit there and let the numbers rise.  Are you going to let us sit in silence?  You don't have to suffer from infertility to stand up.  You are reading this, right?  You've gotten this far in my rambling on and you are still reading this.  You may not suffer, but you read my suffering and the suffering of my friends.  So please, my plea today is that you help spread awareness.  Facebook it...Twitter it.  Wear a "Believe in Miracles" bracelet or any other infertility awareness bracelet.  Wear teal all week long.   Sport a ribbon.  Blog about it.  Please....help me raise this awareness.  Help us 1 in 8. 

You are One.  Believe in Miracles.

Butterfly Kisses

There is a Native American legend that says that if  you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. When you release the butterfly it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted.  While grilling supper last night I had the privilege of being joined by not one but three painted lady butterflies.  Sure, it's spring and bugs and butterflies are starting to abound but this was different.  We don't have any flowers or anything attractive to butterflies where they came.  They just came there and perched.  Some of you might not see this as anything special, but for me, this was a sign.

A few days prior to the three butterflies making their appearance I had gone to the graves of a couple of friends who had passed away and asked them to ask God to give me a sign.  These weren't just any graves though...they were the graves of three Sisters.  (For you non-Catholics think "Nuns.").  As I stood a the graves visiting and speaking to each one, I asked them to give me a sign that everything will work out.  I asked them to help me know that I will be a mom and that my hopes and dreams will work out to make that possible.  It wasn't until those three butterflies appeared in my back yard on the dry as a bone bird bath that I realized that was my sign.  You see, one of the sisters was a strong believer in butterflies.  I even have one of the butterflies that used to hang in her room in my bedroom and the butterfly tattoo on my back is in her honor and memory.

If I could have caught it and whispered my wish, I would have done so.  Unfortunately it took running down several concrete steps in my back yard to even get close enough before they flew away.  Those who know me know that my middle name isn't exactly "Graceful."  This, out of necessity to not be on crutches for a third year in a row, instead I talked to the butterflies and spoke my wish to them.  It wasn't long before they took off flying...the three together.  Will my wish get to the Great Spirit?  I don't know.  But I can't help but feel better having seen those three butterflies.  No longer did I feel alone.

The journey of infertility can lead many people to feel all alone, regardless of the amount of people that they have in their circle of support.  Watching other people announce their pregnancies or even their children's birthdays have been difficult again.  Even hearing about a friend who was able to get pregnant without trying who I always thought I would get pregnant before shattered my spirit.  I needed that sign I received.  I asked...I received.

So now, I ask for specifics.  A friend last week stated in a post that once she began praying for her child by name, she got pregnant.  I had never thought of praying by name.  Let me take that back...I had never prayed for my future child by name because it was more difficult and painful in case God said no.  Since last week I have begun praying by name for my future children.


"God...please bring into creation and into our life, our Lukas Joseph Jerome or our Elizabeth Sue Josephine." 

Some of you reading this post may think that I am being superstitious or that I am so desperate for a child that I would do anything to make it possible.  In a way, yes.  In a way, no.  If these things I am doing help me to hold on to hope that someday I will hold my child in my arms, then I will continue to do them.  Otherwise, how do you hold out hope?  How do you keep hope alive? 

I hope that someday I will be able to tell my child(ren) about the butterfly story as a story of hope and that their momma knew everything would be okay because the butterflies came and took her wish to the Great Spirit.  I can't give up hope.  I Believe in Miracles.

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Along the path of our journey in life , through whatever we encounter whether its fertility issues or other issues, we are faced with challenges.  Challenges that push us to our edge.  Challenges that turn the stress nob up just a bit higher than we feel we can handle.  Challenges that we aren't quite sure we can even make it out of.  Of recent, my life has been one of those challenges.

A few years back we were up to our elbows in debt.  We had put all our fertility treatments and other medical bills on our credit card and had pretty much maxed it out.  We didn't have enough money to pay bills and we risked losing so much.  We ended up taking out a large loan from a family member.  This loan has been having to be  paid back to the bank they got their loan out of for the last 6 years.   6 years of barely being able to pay our bills but life still moving forward.  Right now we are a couple months of payments away from having it paid off.  But our money to pay the other normal monthly bills is almost non-existent.  Once that loan would be paid off there would be so much relief.  Our bank account would actually have money in it after the normal monthly bills are paid (i.e. mortgage, gas, electric, etc.).  We wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would actually be able to eat three meals a day instead of skipping meals and sacrificing so that my husband would have food.  Right now, until the loan is paid off, I can't even consider eating let along by some of the essentials like milk and other foods.  We both work and our income doesn't alot for us to get any assistance.  It's  real struggle.  Sometimes I just want to sit down in the grocery store aisle and cry.

Throughout this loan we've been still trying to conceive on our own.  No luck. It was probably a good thing.  Our stress levels have been so high these last few years that we are probably lucky to even be together still.  They say finances and money issues are the thing that leads to most divorces.  It hasn't been easy.  As I now reflect back on how we made it through the last 6 years,  I can only look to the sky and blame that on a higher power.  I know that the higher power I believe in has a greater plan for us.

What is that greater plan and why do we have to struggle so much before we sometimes know what that plan is?  I obviously don't have the answers to that question or else I would be a millionaire by now and not having to struggle like I am.  What I do know is that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Because of the challenges financially that we have struggled through, I know how to be much much more frugal, crafty, and disciplined.  Because of the infertility struggles and the brick walls we have hit I have become much more willing to talk about our struggle and hopefully helping others through theirs.

Someday we will look back at the struggles that we have walked through and smile that we made it through them.  We will look at those struggles and think, "Hey!  That wasn't so bad!  I made it through it and I am still breathing!"  While knee deep in it it's hard to see that or even believe there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't give up hoping and believing that your miracle can happen.  Today we celebrate the 6th birthday of a miracle in our family.  My sister suffered through infertility much like I do but with different circumstances.  She had several miscarriages but never gave up hope.  She never said never.  She kept believing even through the pain and struggle of the miscarriages, failed IUI after failed IUI and the years passing.  My nephew was conceived naturally without any fertility treatments.  He had been conceived around the time my grandfather had passed away.  I look at my nephew and see hope.

I am not giving up hope.  I am continuing to believe that miracles can happen.  I wear my "Believe in Miracles" bracelet and know that I will some day be a mom.  But I also know that its most important that I go through the struggle so that I see the beauty of the miracle and the grace in the struggle when its all over.  The greatest thing is that I don't have to go at it alone.  I am blessed with several friends who will walk on water to help.  And I them.  Remember, even through the struggle you aren't alone...regardless of the struggle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Believe in miracles.

Facing our Giants

Driving down a rural back road one day almost a year ago I saw a sign on a little church that read, "God grant me the courage to challenge my giants."   When I got home that day I grabbed a piece of chalk and wrote that on the key hook chalkboard in my kitchen.  Everyday when I grab my keys I am reminded of that saying.  I have yet to erase it off the board as I believe that we need to be reminded of that everyday.

I know it's been a few weeks...well...over a month..since I last blogged on here.  Stress, fatigue, and just not wanting to deal with any of the fertility stuff anymore fell my way even though I was still yearning internally to have my own child.  I made excuses for why I couldn't blog and just kept saying to myself, "I'll do it tomorrow." Tomorrows turned into more tomorrows until finally I looked at myself in the mirror one morning and told myself that I needed to face these giants.

What does it mean to  "face our giants?"  Giants are those things in our life that are large or enormous or that we feel weigh on us heavily.  For me, my giant was getting through the last couple of months with all sorts of people having expectations of me that I could no longer handle keeping up with.  My giants are the feelings I have inside about possibly never being a mother and looking at the future without giving up  hope.  My giants also consisted of trying to keep it all together and be a peacemaker.

It's very important that regardless of whether we are dealing with infertility or not that we face our giants.  By not facing the giants I was dealing with I was falling further and further behind.  I found myself staring at a blank screen as I tried to continue working on my book.  I found myself becoming cynical about things that weren't going my way.  I even became bitter about some things. 

Facing our giants doesn't mean that everything will 100% of the time go our way.  Rather, by facing our giants it helps us to reach for those goals we set for ourselves.  Instead of sitting back and taking things easy, reach high!  Take risks!  If you don't you will never know what you could have done or what could have been.  One of my husband and my favorite movies is called "Facing the Giants."  Its a Christian movie that came out a few years ago about a man and the football team he coached.  He was not living his life facing the giants, rather he was trying to control everything himself.  He nearly lost everything.  Instead he risked it all and give it all to God, trusting that God would provide.  Sometimes trusting in another person is the hardest thing that we have to deal with.  How do we let go of control?  How do we not want what we want in our time as opposed to someone else's time?  It's all a part of taking risks.

I have read recently about some friends who deal with infertility who are talking about giving up.  It seems as though all the blocks are stacked against them.   Maybe their spouse's sperm count is non existent or they have failed cycle after failed cycle of IUI or IVF.  They don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because these giants are blocking that light.  I have been there. I have seen that the tunnel light was blocked....until I walked up to the giant and faced it head on....and continue to face it head on.  Someday, I will be able to move beyond that giant and fully see the light.  For now, I keep tackling what I can tackle.  My life is not perfect...it's nowhere near it.  But I am reminded that I can't give up.  I need to take the risks.

Risks aren't without their trials and tribulations.  No one ever said life would be easy.  I have sat many of times and fumed with jealousy over friends who were achieving what I hadn't yet achieved such as great success financially or career wise  or in the case of infertility, have achieved a pregnancy and have their "family."  Recently someone reminded me of the bible parable that Jesus tells about the three servants who received money from their master to keep safe.  Two of the servants went and risked the money only to double and triple it.  The third servant buried it to keep it safe.  When the master returned he was pleased to see that the two servants took the risk and they were rewarded.  The third servant who buried the money was reprimanded and wasn't rewarded.

What does this story have to do with my life?  I often times start to take the easy road or the less risky path when I am given something.  I tend not to risk....especially when faced with a giant.  This parable reminds me that we must face the giant and we must take the risk otherwise we will not have the reward.  If you are one of the people dealing with infertility about ready to give up having a family, don't give up.  Figure out a new path to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Face the giant. Above all, don't stop believing in miracles.

24 Hours to Live

Imagine that today you were told that you had a terminal illness and that you only had a short time to live.  How would you live?  What would you do?  Would you spend your days depressed and regretting the past or would you live each day with gusto and full of life?  Recently I was sitting back and thinking about a young friend of ours who is fighting a battle with cancer that certainly will take his life.  Even though he has fought infections and bee knocking at deaths door recently, he continues to fight and willing each day so that he can enjoy the day.  A request for a sip of beer with his meds one recent evening showed that he still had his sense of humor and his gusto for life.  When the time comes and he passes and he meets St. Peter at the Pearlie gates and is asked how he lived his life, I am sure that he will look at St. Peter in the eyes and say, "I lived my life till the end with gusto!"

While infertility isn't exactly a terminal illness many of us go about our lives living each day depressed and thinking that our life is over.  What is instead of living this way we lived each day as if it was our last.  Would we stand by and sulk about not having a child?  Or would we go out and look at life as if each thing we saw was the potential of happiness for us?  A year ago I would have said that everything that I saw each day triggered a memory to me that I was infertile.  Simple commercials for baby shampoo or diapers brought me to tears, reminding me that I would never have one of my own.

Knowing that I most likely won't ever be able to have a child of my own will always sit in my heart and there will always be mourning over that loss, much like a person with an illness will always mourn the future that they will never see.  But unlike with a terminal illness, I can always maintain hope.  I have hope that I will be a mom someday, whether adopted or naturally. Today I think about my friend, who in such a young life of 26, will not live to have children of his own. Unless diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, I know that I will still have that opportunity to be a mom.

Before you give up in life, regardless of the issue, take a step back.  Look at the big picture. It's ok to grieve and mourn for the loss you experience, but don't dwell in that sadness else you lose out on seeing the possibilities of the future.  Don't ever give up.  Fight till the end.  Believe in miracles.  A miracle isn't a single dream and wish you desire coming true.  Rather, a miracle is ANY amazing or wonderful event.  Start seeing all events in your life as a miracle.

It was a miracle when my husband said "yes" to adoption.  It was a miracle when I ovulated on my own for the first time in a long time.  It is a miracle that I am not curled up in a ball anymore, crying and every commercial.  To live, I mean really live, is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people just exist, that is all.  I plan to live.  I plan on applying all my efforts till I am the highest mountain and then straining my potential until it cries for mercy.  I am not giving up. 

Believe in Miracles.

Believing in Me

Every time I go to a doctor they glance at my weight and as if they are a well oiled machine, they spout out the fact that I am obese.  After hearing it time after time again and knowing how "hard" I had been trying to lose weight in the past, I found every excuse to explain why I couldn't lose weight.  I made excuses and I just explained my life away.  But now I am 38 and in May I will be 39.  Now is the time of regrets.

I regret having become the hard head that I have become.  The new fertility doctor I saw a couple weeks ago explained how my weight affects my fertility.  While it isn't the answer completely to my fertility issues, my weight loss could help impact it more positively.  But it wasn't even her words, but rather the words of my family doctor last Friday who said something more amazing.  He told me that he was proud of me losing weight...he noticed. It took positivity to motivate me.  There is truth in the comment that you don't fight fire with fire.

What does this have anything to do with our journey of infertility?

My goal is to be a mom someday.  While listening to Courtney Crozier today , (season 11 Contestant of the show the Biggest Loser,), she spoke about the importance of taking life as one choice at a time as opposed to one day at a time and to make those goals and shoot for them.  She reminded us that life is full of many steps forward followed by taking steps back.  The important thing to remember is to keep taking the steps.  We must take our goals and keep them ahead of us.

My goal of being a mom reminds me that I can do everything I can in my power to try and make that goal possible. However, if I choose not to try and not lose weight then its only me to blame.  I have the keys to my destiny.  Infertility may be what keeps me from becoming a mother to my own natural child, but nothing can keep me from being a mother. The only way to fail at reaching my goal is to give up.  When you give up you no longer take steps forward or backward...you only become stagnant and you don't move.  You fail to live.  I believe in miracles.  I believe in me.  I will not give up.  I will not make excuses any longer. Everyday I will only take a step forward.

This doesn't only pertain to me and to my infertility.  This life lesson is one that all too often we fail to remember in our lives in other areas.  Don't stop believing that you can accomplish something.  Believe that anything is possible.  It may not happen today or tomorrow, but after several tomorrow's that goal and dream may actually come true. Never give up.   Believe in Miracles.

Somewhere Out There

Somewhere out there is my new son or daughter. 

January has started out with quite a bang.  After a visit to a new Infertility Specialist lastweek we ran into a friend who, with her husband, recently adopted a toddler through the foster to adopt system with the state.  For those of you new to reading my blog, my husband and I decided in the fall last year that we would consider adoption after all in order to help make our family whole.  Our friend gave us the name of her case worker and the next day we emailed her to seek information about the whole process.  Within a half hour we had an email and another half hour later a call.  The case worker who will be following us as we journey into licensing to become foster parents (God willing of course) was very positive and excited to talk to us.  This was a sign we had been looking for.  And then the dream came rushing at us. Reality.  In less then 9 months we may have a child in our home.  A child which...if all works out...could eventually become our son or daughter.  My son.  My daughter.  Wow...those words...they make me smile.

This journey of infertility isn't over when we adopt.  It's something we will live with for our entire life.  It's something that will still always be in my mind and make me feel like less of a woman. There will now at least be joy.  Joy that we will have the opportunity to make a difference in the life of a child.  Joy that we will be a more complete family.  And joy that we will be able to hear the words Mommy and Daddy and know that it means us.

2012 is our year.  This is the year of great things happening.  I believe in miracles.