For Only One Moment; A letter to my child

Over the last several days I found it difficult to sit and write on this blog.  There was something running through my head like a thoroughbred on race day.  No matter what I did I couldn't get it out of my mind...I couldn't let it go.  A few weeks ago I had dreams about either being pregnant or of giving birth.  They were bittersweet dreams and I had them everynight over the series of two weeks.  But now they were gone.  While they made me feel sad when I would be awake or once I would realize it was only a dream, at least I could feel for that short time like I was going to be a mom...like my dreams were coming true.  I find myself missing them now that the dreams are gone.  Now, instead of having the dreams of having a child, I found myself wondering what I would say to my child if I could hold him or her in my arms for even just one moment. 

The thoughts kept me awake at night, until finally I sat down with my pen and paper and wrote the letter that I hope to someday be able to burn as I hold a child of my own in my arms.  My hope is that it brings comfort to others going through infertility and leads those not struggling with infertility to hug their child(ren) a little longer tonight and thank God for the precious gift they are.

My dearest child;

If only for one moment I could hold you in my arms.  If only for one moment I could stroke your soft, tender cheeks, wipe away any tears from your eyes, and provide you the comfort only a mother could.  If only for one moment I could share with you everything life could be and would be..the good and the bad...the easy and the difficult.

If only for one moment I could feel you stir within me I would speak to you and let you know that I would always keep you safe.  If only for one moment I could look into your eyes, and you into mine, you would know the intensity of my love for you.  If only for one moment I could feel you hold onto my fingers, I would never let go.

If only for one moment, you were here with me, I would teach you to love, respect, cherish, and be not afraid. I would show you how to build a fort, have a tea party, plays sports, make a meal. I would show you that I know nothing about fashion but everything about saving a dollar.  I would hold the back of your bike as you learned how to ride but let go as I know you must make mistakes on your own.  If only for one moment you were here with me, I would show you that even though your heart gets broken, I will be always be there to stay up all night and help you through it.  If for only one moment, I could hear you call me mom.

My dearest child, I have loved you even before I have met you.  But for this moment, I dream of what life would be like with you in it because right now I only know what life is like without you.  For only one moment I sit back and dream that I don't have to be sad that you won't be being born because of things out of my control.  For only only moment, I hold you in my arms...in my dreams.

Mommy.

Believe in Miracles Wristbands

Due to the popularity of the post about the "Believe the Miracles" wristbands, they are now available for order.  If you are interested, please email your address and how many you are requesting to mylifewithscrambledeggs.hotmail.com.  Wristbands are $2 each plus shipping (which will be determined based on the amount of wristbands ordered.)  Note that I make no profit off these wristbands as the cost goes to ordering more wristbands in order to further Infertility Awareness.

Grieving Dreams

Dreams.  What are they?  And why am I talking about grieving them?  For me, even the word "dream" means many things.  A dream can be defined as that state of rapid eye movement in sleep when your brain activity is high and in which we have a connection with our subconscious.  They can also be defined as that vision that we have for our future or usually a goal we hope to someday achieve.  The necessity of grieving involves both...especially for someone dealing with infertility.

Grieving our sleep dreams.  One of the inevitables in life is sleep.  We need sleep to rejuvenate us mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Sleep is often likened to the charging of a car battery.  Without that charge, the battery would eventually die and cease the rest of the vehicle from functioning.  So too are our bodies.  During our sleep we tend to dream.  Some of us unfortunate ones tend to be able to remember our dreams detail for detail while some individuals rarely even remember that they dreamt.  As a person who remembers dreams detail for detail, there have been times that my dreams have including times where I was either pregnant or had a baby in my arms that was mine.  I have even dreamt that I was a mom to three unique and beautiful children.  In that dream, they even called me mom.  It is these dreams I have to be willing to grieve.

To dream about having something in your life that you so desperately want and waking up from that dream to realize it wasn't real, can affect your mood the rest of the day.  I have woke from wonderful dreams such as the ones I mentioned above and felt both excited about the feelings the dreams gave me yet saddened and even a bit depressed that they weren't real and touchable dreams.  In a way, the saddness and depression experienced is a form of grieving the fact that the dream isn't real.  It's important that we allow ourselves this.  Without the opportunity to grieve and allowing ourselves this, we risk becoming very bitter individuals.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life.  My sleep time is precious when I am fortunate to get to be able to sleep for a period of time.  However, I found myself not wanting to go to bed  at night after having the dreams about being pregnant or having children.  While initially I when I awoke those mornings all I wanted to do was sleep again per chance to dream, I found that at night I wanted not to sleep because I didn't know if I could handle the emotions I had felt earlier in the day if I would have one of those dreams again that night.  I needed to fully grieve those dreams in order to let it go and get the sleep my body needed and was requiring. 

Grieving our dreams of the future.  The hardest dreams for me to grieve are the dreams of the future.  For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to have a child of my own.  As a young girl and even into adulthood I have thought about and decided on the names of my children, how many I wanted, and how I would raise them.  Not just how I would raise them but the things I would say to them.  These were dreams no different than the person who dreams about what their career, spouse or wedding is going to be like.  Dreams are important and they give us something to shoot towards.  Our goals are often based on our dreams and what we want to accomplish with our life.  Unlike a sleep dream where we can wake up from and somewhat control, dreams of our future can not be completely controlled.  Things just don't always go the way we want them in the time that we want them.  My dreams of being a mom by a certain age weren't able to be controlled by me.  I tried everything I could to make it possible, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, even to become a mother isn't something I can control.  It's not that I am a control freek, but with goals, you want to be able to reach them when you work hard for them.

Why do I need to grieve these kinds of dreams?  If I can not grieve the dreams that have not come, I can not be open for new dreams or to be able to modify  the original dreams.  If I can not grieve that I am infertile and unable to conceive on my own, I can not be open enough to adoption as a possiblity.  If I become bitter about not being able to have my own child, how would I be able to be a good mother to a child of someone else's. 

I grieved this dream of becoming a mother when a few days ago I had to go into the room in our house that I had prepared to be a nursery.  During our first rounds of fertility treatments several years ago I painted the bedroom and had placed all the Winnie the Pooh items (I had collected over the years) in strategic spots.  Whether we had a boy or a girl the room would be the hundred acre woods from the adventues of Winnie the Pooh.  I had envisioned in my head where the crib, changing table and rocking chair would be.  Those dreams have only ever been able to stay in my head.  As year after year has passed with no pregnancy or child to fill that room, junk and other items began filling that room instead and before I knew it I couldn't even handle having the door open.  Having the door open reminded me with every glance of the baby items in there that I couldn't conceive.  It was time to take it all down as we decided that not being able to use that room was wasted space in our house and the light that came into the rest of the house with the door open was needed.  I took a large tote into the room and one by one the Winnie the Pooh items came down.  First the collection of Winnie the Pooh beanie babies (including Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger, etc.)  Then the 6 large Pooh bears sporting different outfits given to me by a family member, then all the music boxes, snow globes, russian dolls, wall hanging, wooden calendar, blankets, etc.  As I carried the now full tote to our basement to store I could barely see the steps .  It was much harder than I had thought originally to put it all away.  I think I cried for half of that day.  But I needed to grieve this.  Now as I walk into that room and the new couch bed and the empty shelf tops I don't feel the pain as strong, although it still exists.  I know that I can go in this room now and sit and read and not be reminded non stop of what I can't be. 

Grief's toll.  Grief, whether related to infertility or for any other reason, is valid emotion.  While everyone grieves in a different way, it is important to grieve.  Commonly, people will deal with grief through physical symptoms such as lack of energy, irritability, headaches, insomnia, extreme sadness and even the inability to concentrate.  Anger, denial, shock, numbness, and guilt and shame are common steps people dealing with grief may go through.  Whether you have lost a child to misscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or even the inability to conceive, those grieving will experiance all sorts of ups and downs. If you are not a person dealing with infertility (personally) and you are reading this I ask of one thing of you: compassion.   The grieving process is not something one can just "get over."

Paying attention to grief ends its ability to control you.  Allow yourself to grieve your dreams and don't be afraid to seek help.  It's something I have the hardest time doing but that I am trying to be better at.  You aren't going through this alone.  I am walking right beside you on this journey. 

Believe in Miracles.

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex.  Whoopie.  Nookie.  Bang.  Laid.  Whatever you call the act of sexual intercourse, generally the one thing that infertile couples have difficulty calling the act is "making love."  Couples experiencing infertility and going through infertility treatments often deal with a more regimented, technical and scheduled sex life.  The much wanted much more happier event of making love, once experienced in our early relationship, has gone by the wayside for the technical, "this is my only window of hope to make a baby," technical and many times non-passion filled moments to what I refer to as "sex."

Growing up as a Catholic, it was ingrained into my head that the act of sexual intercourse was meant predominately for procreation.  When you can't conceive, where does that leave you?Sex in my opinion is less about the mental and emotional need that we as sexual beings need in our life and more about a biological experience.  Sure, sex can make you still feel a little bit of something, but only when it isn't the means to an end.  In other words, if I am having sex with my partner just for the idea of conception and we are working together to time it, the underlying pressure can leave you feeling cold and regimented inside.   When the act involves a greater physical connection...the kind that leaves you breathing heavy and remembering all day how wonderful it felt to be so connected to your partner, that is "making love."  What has happened to this in our lives?  Why does this feel so non-existent?

Infertility grabs hold and doesn't let go.  While it may be our ovaries, eggs, or uterus that keeps us from conceiving, infertility doesn't just affect that part of our body.  Infertile couples often deal with depression and other issues which in turn affects our ability to communicate and connect with our partners in any way sexually other than technically and scheduled.  It's not uncommon for infertile couples, if not on the same page and working together towards the same goal at 100% to have problems within their marriage.  The number one culprit is the communication.  As I sat down preparing to write this post, my husband and I reminisced back to the days of our early fertility treatments back 7 years ago.  Chlomid left me moody and irritated most of the time which often led me to yelling and arguing with my husband one moment and then having to jump into bed together the next because of the window of opportunity closing up quickly that month. My husband claimed that I had "baby brain" which is the occurrence when you can't think about anything else in your life but trying to have a baby.  We began not speaking to each other out of fear or frustration with what we perceived was the others motives for the sex.  I'll never forget my husband saying to me that he felt I was just trying to use him as a sperm donor. We were becoming individuals, not on the same page, becoming resentful towards each other.  What had happened to us?  Had we lost that "loving feeling" like they talk about in the song of that same title? (You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips....) 

How do we continue forging forward and save not just our marriages but our sanity?  Spontaneity.  My husband and I realized over the last 8 years of dealing with our infertility that we need to remember to remain connected.  Instead of just having sex, we work towards the times of spontaneous, unplanned love making.  How does this happen when you know that you may miss that window of opportunity for conceiving?  We still chart but we don't always talk about how we "have to have sex" anymore.  We bring foreplay back into the picture.  Sometimes we just get plain silly and laugh and flirt.  And we remember what brought us together and what helped us fall in love with each other.

Has this helped me get pregnant? Nope.  But it has saved a marriage that was on a path to becoming bitter and disconnected.  Who knows what would have happened had we not started taking this approach.  We communicate more now.  We connect more now.  We make love more now.  What would it mean to have a child and not have my husband there with me?  It wouldn't be the same.

True love making and that connected feeling also increases the endorphins in your body and improves mood.   Sometimes it is the difference between having a good and a bad day.  When my husband and I were scheduling the sex in our lives, I often found myself emotionally drained and in tears of sadness and depression afterwards.  I would much rather have a good day of thinking back to that love making rather than a day filled with sadness thinking the "what if" question of whether we finally conceived a child and the berating I did to myself thinking that I am a flawed person.

This post is probably not what you anticipated. Sex is so taboo.  Making love should not be.  If you are an individual suffering through infertility, take time over this next week to do something spontaneous with your partner.  Enjoy a "nooner" spontaneously instead of planned.  Flirt at the dinner table with your partner. Make love somewhere other than in your bed.  Have passion in your life once again.  Be spontaneous.    You deserve it.

A Time to laugh...A Time to Cry

Whether you have read in the Bible the book of Ecclesiastes or listened to the song, Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds, we have been told that there is a time for everything.  One of the phrases that often comes to mind for me is "a time to laugh, a time to weep."  For a woman dealing with infertility and on treatments, those times may often intercede each other on a frequent basis.  Heck, there are times through fertility treatment after treatment that I am sure my husband thought I had more personalities coming out at one time than Sybil.  (Ok...yeah..that dates me with that reference.)

Today's blog is about a time to laugh and cry.  For some, we will laugh and cry at the same time, thinking back (and probably for some it was just a day ago) at our own times of craziness and mood changes.  Some of us will cry remembering how difficult those times were. And for those who have never had to deal with infertility but read this out of support for us I have one thing to say:  Be afraid...be very afraid!  (lol!) 

I chose to be a little humorous today as they say that sometimes laughter is the best medicine.  And today I needed that medicine bright and early!  Recently at a small family event, I was face to face with a couple people whom I had defriended on my Facebook related to the whole "joke" post that was going around.  These people were supposed to care about me.  Instead they criticized me for being sensitive to my and others' infertility struggles.  At this recent event, they brought an 8 month old child of a friend of theirs with them.  During the course of the evening, at one point they came to my husband and I and asked if we wanted to hold this child.  This child who had no relation to our family.  This child that I would have no connection to after that moment.  Of course not!  And it wasn't their child.  They knew we would be there.  We felt it a personal attack against us.  They were rubbing in the fact that I couldn't have a child.  Here they were pretending to be "mommy and daddy" to this little one, flaunting her in front of my husband and I.  Even another family member felt they had done it for the same reasons as I had.  In light of it all, it was a time to laugh and a time to cry moment.

Had I not started standing up for the struggle I deal with daily, I may not have garnished the strength to make it through that event.  I may have left in tears as I had done in the past at events like this.  Instead, I remembered the "Believe in Miracles" bracelet that I wear now all the time and I remember that I am not aloe in this struggle and I continued on.  I actually laughed about it on the way home that night.  Ok...it was a sinister laugh (ha ha ha ha) but it was a laugh none the less.   I wasn't about to let them get me down this time.  While there were still tears coming from my heart inside, I was a stronger person.  I made it through.  I shouldn't have to be faced with these kinds of insensitive events in my life, but realistically I know that I can't avoid every one of them and I will be faced with laugh and cry moments.

So bring on the humor you say?  Yeah...that was a cry moment as I thought back to that event.  But we need some humor.  So I ran across a couple of jokes the other day and while some are probably not the most politically correct, they had me laughing almost to the point of tears.  So, I decided to post a few of them.  For some of you reading this, the jokes may not make sense...just bear with it.  If you tell the joke and someone gets it, even without saying you will know they deal with infertility and trying to get pregnant.  So here they go:

--How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Screw in a light bulb!  Hmmm...do you think it might help?

--How does an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) like his eggs?  Over 20mm!

--You know you deal with infertility if :

• Someone asks you the date and you reply, "Day 21."
• If you've ever counted 1,2,3 after sex followed by throwing your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
• If you wake up and the first thing you reach for is not your morning cup of coffee but a thermometer.
• If you've put your feet in stirrups more times than you've had sex in one week.
• If you find it perfectly normal to pee on a stick, stick it in a machine and wait to be told if your husband/partner is definitely going to get lucky that night.
• If you refer to events in DPO's (Days past ovulation for those not familiar with the term.)
• If the word cycling has nothing to do with a bike!
• If you have ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries and considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was "inhospitable."  (okay...yes...I do the conversation part.  Commence laughing...)
• If you've ever gotten up by 7 a.m. on a football weekend to do a shot and it wasn't of the alcoholic variety.
• If you seriously consider using the ultrasound pictures of your ovaries and follicles for your Christmas card picture this year.
• If foreplay consists of your husband asking, "How is your cervical mucus today?"
• If reaching the big "O" doesn't stand for orgasm anymore.

These are just a few of the ones I found out there as I was looking for humor.  Seriously, I laughed my butt off on a few out there....ones that I am sure my fertile friends will look at and with a quizzical look in their eyes go, "Huh?"

Remember, there is a time to laugh, a time to cry.  A time to be born, and a time to die.  For everything there is a purpose under heaven.  This purpose may not be easy.  But as we struggle with our infertility, may we not lose hope that for everything we go through, we must experience the opposite as well.   For experiencing the infertility, may we be blessed with fertility in some way.  I can't help think that this will be.  Gotta keep believing in miracles.

 

Don't Stop Believing

New Years Day this past year is a day I will never forget.  Tired of the culmination of all the fertility failures we have had I was at the end of my rope.  I was ready to give up hope.  I remember spending the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, feeling truly overwhelmed with the notion that I would never be able to have a child of my own.  I sat looking at the ground and not being able to gain interest in anything that day.  As I was moving things around to cover up with a blanket and sit sulking and depressed on the living room couch I grabbed a book I had received as a Christmas present.  As I moved it, it fell open to a page where my eyes instantly caught the first lines of a prayer. "(Lord,) In all that I do and all that happens, let me never lose hope." 

While those words had been on that page for the prior week that I had owned the book, I had never opened it.  As I read those words I felt an inner peace and I began to cry tears of peace and gratitude.  It built in me a strength that I had yet known what to do with.  That strength and fight stayed in me, bottled up inside, until I had found the path in which to release it...this blog.  Have you ever felt an excitement so great that you couldn't contain it any longer?  That is what this felt like.  Yet, the excitement I felt I still knew would not help me physically produce a child.  Rather, I knew that the strength I had would get me through the days ahead.

I am not the first in my family to deal with infertility.  While one of my siblings who also dealt with infertility was finally pregnant after over 8 years or trying and fertility treatments, my family showed her support through the wearing of a silicone bracelet that the March of Dimes had been selling.  Again during her second pregnancy we did the same.  Those silicone bracelets, out and sold for almost every cause, serve as a reminder for the person struggling to not lose hope...to never give up...as well, it has garnished financial support for some causes.    After reading that line of that prayer, instantly the words, "Believe in Miracles" came to mind and no matter what I did, I kept hearing that phrase in my head.  Like a song that you can't get out of your head, this phrase would not leave.  My solution: imprint it on a silicone bracelet so that I never forget it. (Thus, the creation of the bracelet you see pictured on this blog.)  After creating the bracelet, I ordered just a handful so that if one would break, there would be more to put on.  My dad, having seen me wearing one on a visit to their home one day asked me about it.  As I told him the story he asked me if I had an extra one that he could wear. Soon, a few others in my life were asking for them so that they could show support as well. 

Months went on with me wearing it.  In May, I had to have surgery on my foot  but was required to take off all jewelry...including the BiM bracelet.  For some reason, after the surgery I never put them back on.  And soon I was back down on the spiraled path to depression.  Fourth of July and a family wedding this year where almost every relative our age had children topped off the lowest part of my life.  At times we felt totally invisible...even to my in-laws who were consumed with a grandchild they only see several times a year.  We were left to fend for ourselves.  I felt again like a failure.  Where was this hope that only a few months prior I still had?  Where was this strength?

Recently I was reminded, in a visit to my parents house, that while I may have given up hope for a time that there were others out there still supporting me, praying for me, and thinking of me.  What was the trigger?  My dad still wearing the bracelet.  He has never taken it off.  He was wearing it for me.  He was praying for me.  I was not alone.  I never was.

During the most difficult times that I was experiencing  I know that there have been others out there supporting me and there for me, even if at the time I realized it or not.  I have been fortunate to have a support group (the group on Facebook..) who I have been given support from on a daily basis.  Yes...infertility is a 24/7 issue for me.  It's good to know that 24/7 someone is there for me.

I wrote this today, not seeking people to come forward and tell me they are supporting me but rather as a story that some I know will be able to relate to and for others to read and be awakened to the challenges of what those of us dealing with infertility go through daily.  I know that I can't stop believing that someday I will be a mom.  I have people around me who won't let me.  They may not be able to say it, but the outward sign, like the bracelet, reminds me of this.  In all that I do and in all that happens, I WILL NEVER lose hope.  I will believe in miracles.

I am reminded of this today as I look down at the bracelet back on my wrist.

Somewhere Only We Know

I once read that infertility is the mirror image of mourning.  One starts with a death, the other ends with a birth.  For many woman the infertility never ends and the mourning continues on.  Sometimes what is said or done can affect an infertile woman's mood at the drop of a dime.  (I hate bringing it back up again but...) The joke that went across facebook became the straw in the infertile woman's cap and triggered several of us to stand up for our feelings and the insensitivity's of society.  Today's blog hopefully will help those interested in being of greater support for those dealing with infertility in their lives.

Let's start off by looking at the numbers.  1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility.  Even though when a baby girl is born she is born with a million eggs, by puberty she has already dwindled down to only 300,000 eggs.  From this, only around 300 eggs will mature and release through ovulation.  A woman's chances getting pregnant then also decrease with age.  A slow fertility decline starts in our 20's and rapidly declines by the time we hit our 40's.  A healthy 30 year old woman (and note the term healthy...) who is trying to conceive has only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month.  By age 40 that number has shrunk to 5%.  Likewise, the rate of miscarriage also is higher if a woman is her 30's as well as the chance of a child being born with an abnormality.   Likewise, 4 to10% of women, like myself, suffer from Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don't know about you, but every time I read a new fertility statistic, my biological clock dings louder than Big Ben through a microphone!

As well as the lower possibility of getting pregnant naturally, even forms of assisted reproductive technology (ART) are affected by age.  According to the CDC, in 2009, the ART cycles that lead to live births was only 41% for women under the age of 35, 32% for women ages 35-27, 22% for women ages 38-40, 12% for women aged 41-42, and only 5% for women aged 43-44.  And that's with someone scientifically assisting the process!  Of the 148,055 cycles of ART performed in the US in 2008, only 46,326 produced live births.  This is only a 31% success rate. 

Some women, due to their religions can not even consider forms of ART.  The Catholic Church, which is the religion I was brought up in, believes that ART goes against the teachings of Christ and the church.  Strong staunch Catholics (like my husband) then are left without ART as an option and this reduces the likelihood that we would be able to have a natural child of our own even more.

How do I help?  This was a question raised by a friend of mine as I started writing this blog and after the aftermath of the Facebook joke.  That sentence was like having someone hold my hand through a horrible procedure.  The comfort it provided holds me strong to this day.  So the question is, what can you do or say to help?   First off, an infertile woman, like myself, deals with various hormonal levels that we can't control.  Something is wrong in our body and we don't know if what is said will trigger a negative or positive response.  There are a few things said that will send us off reeling no matter what or how it is said.  We will get to those in a minute. 

DO:  What you can do is offer to go to lunch with your infertile friend, or even a movie (and might I suggest you ask them what movie they want to see as some movies will trigger an episode of tears if it deals with children, etc.).  Do offer comfort and say, : "I am praying for you," or " I am sorry about what you are going through.  I can't imagine how hard that must be," and "I am here for you."  Do offer to listen.  Sure, it may seem like we are complaining all the time, but we have good reason.  Some of us take medications that cause us horrible side effects with everything occurring from nausea, bloating, and diarrhea to sleepiness, sleeplessness, bruising and major mood swings.  Sometimes people want to help but don't know what to say because there are no words that will take the pain truly away that we are going through.  Sometimes just saying, "I'm here to listen without judgement or advice as this is something I have never gone through, but I want to support you."  Do offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen with and hand to hold.  Sometimes these are the most important things we need.

DON'T:   Obviously this list will be pretty long.  Many of us have been going through this for a long time.  This list will almost read like the ABC's.  The first area is ADOPTION.  Many of us have been dealing with this long enough that we have thought of adoption as an option.  Regardless of if we have or not, do not say, "Why don't you just adopt," "You can always adopt," or "Have you thought of adoption?"  Adoption is not as easy as everyone thinks it is.  The route of adoption can be very expensive and time consuming.  If every person who conceived naturally had to go through this route to even keep their own child, many would fail.  On the other side of it, many infertile couples want a child of their own flesh and blood.  It makes it difficult.  As many positive stories or adoption you hear there are just as many horror stories.

Do not baby brag or complain to an infertile woman.  What is baby bragging?  It's when a pregnant woman brags all over the Internet about her baby bump, or when a mother brags about the next thing her newborn has done.  Likewise, don't complain about how difficult it is.  An infertile woman who longs to have a child longs to have all the bad and the good.  It doesn't mean that you aren't validated for the struggle you are going through, but this is one trigger that I hear most often.

Do not deny a woman dealing with infertility her feelings.  Even if they have been able to get pregnant but have had miscarriage after miscarriage, it doesn't mean they can easily get pregnant.  They are still considered infertile.  Some may have only been able to have one child and never be able to conceive again.

The next "do not" involves God.  Do not say to a woman, "God has a different plan for you," "God doesn't want you to have a baby," or "God must be punishing you for something that you did wrong."  I highly doubt that women have miscarried or not gotten pregnant because of their choice of faith. When someone speaks in this way I often want to pop back up with the response:  "So, when did you become God," or "when did God reveal to you this revelation and ask you to pass it my way." Please don't tell them to do a novena, become a better, Catholic, christian, Lutheran, or whatever religion they are and then maybe God will give them a child. It is probably one of the best way to get an infertile woman going on a rampage.  For those of us who believe in God as our higher power, we believe that God is a God of love and not hateful towards us. 

Do not say to us, "Just relax and you will get pregnant," "Just lose weight (or gain weight) and you will get pregnant," or tell us the story of another friend or friend of a friend who did these things and got pregnant.  Please, don't tell these to us unless we ask for this information.  It reminds us of our failures.  It also most times isn't an issue of our weight or relaxing.  Whatever you do, please don't tell us that we are trying too hard.  When we didn't try we were still infertile.  It didn't make a difference.  And, for many of us, trying involves medications that we must take to even allow our body to function correctly.  Without my thyroid medications, my thyroid wouldn't function.  The same is with some of the medications that help us to ovulate, produce cervical mucus, or have the normal hormones most healthy women have.

Whatever you do, be there for us.  This is only a short list of areas that we see most often and how you can help.  Another way to help is to continue encouraging others to read this blog.  Because infertility has remained such a tabooed subject and many couples keep it under wraps, some won't come forward and acknowledge to you that they are dealing with this.  Education is going to be the big key to changing the way society looks at infertility.  For the longest time I thought infertility was something that only I knew and felt.  When I began to educate myself to everything out there with regards to treatments, etc. I was opened to a whole new world.  I realized I wasn't alone.  We are here now offering all you out there the opportunity to join us in the place that only we knew for so long.  Help us make a difference.  Help us educate the world.  And most of all, just be there for us.