Over the last several days I found it difficult to sit and write on this blog. There was something running through my head like a thoroughbred on race day. No matter what I did I couldn't get it out of my mind...I couldn't let it go. A few weeks ago I had dreams about either being pregnant or of giving birth. They were bittersweet dreams and I had them everynight over the series of two weeks. But now they were gone. While they made me feel sad when I would be awake or once I would realize it was only a dream, at least I could feel for that short time like I was going to be a mom...like my dreams were coming true. I find myself missing them now that the dreams are gone. Now, instead of having the dreams of having a child, I found myself wondering what I would say to my child if I could hold him or her in my arms for even just one moment.
The thoughts kept me awake at night, until finally I sat down with my pen and paper and wrote the letter that I hope to someday be able to burn as I hold a child of my own in my arms. My hope is that it brings comfort to others going through infertility and leads those not struggling with infertility to hug their child(ren) a little longer tonight and thank God for the precious gift they are.
My dearest child;
If only for one moment I could hold you in my arms. If only for one moment I could stroke your soft, tender cheeks, wipe away any tears from your eyes, and provide you the comfort only a mother could. If only for one moment I could share with you everything life could be and would be..the good and the bad...the easy and the difficult.
If only for one moment I could feel you stir within me I would speak to you and let you know that I would always keep you safe. If only for one moment I could look into your eyes, and you into mine, you would know the intensity of my love for you. If only for one moment I could feel you hold onto my fingers, I would never let go.
If only for one moment, you were here with me, I would teach you to love, respect, cherish, and be not afraid. I would show you how to build a fort, have a tea party, plays sports, make a meal. I would show you that I know nothing about fashion but everything about saving a dollar. I would hold the back of your bike as you learned how to ride but let go as I know you must make mistakes on your own. If only for one moment you were here with me, I would show you that even though your heart gets broken, I will be always be there to stay up all night and help you through it. If for only one moment, I could hear you call me mom.
My dearest child, I have loved you even before I have met you. But for this moment, I dream of what life would be like with you in it because right now I only know what life is like without you. For only one moment I sit back and dream that I don't have to be sad that you won't be being born because of things out of my control. For only only moment, I hold you in my arms...in my dreams.
Mommy.
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