Grieving Dreams

Dreams.  What are they?  And why am I talking about grieving them?  For me, even the word "dream" means many things.  A dream can be defined as that state of rapid eye movement in sleep when your brain activity is high and in which we have a connection with our subconscious.  They can also be defined as that vision that we have for our future or usually a goal we hope to someday achieve.  The necessity of grieving involves both...especially for someone dealing with infertility.

Grieving our sleep dreams.  One of the inevitables in life is sleep.  We need sleep to rejuvenate us mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Sleep is often likened to the charging of a car battery.  Without that charge, the battery would eventually die and cease the rest of the vehicle from functioning.  So too are our bodies.  During our sleep we tend to dream.  Some of us unfortunate ones tend to be able to remember our dreams detail for detail while some individuals rarely even remember that they dreamt.  As a person who remembers dreams detail for detail, there have been times that my dreams have including times where I was either pregnant or had a baby in my arms that was mine.  I have even dreamt that I was a mom to three unique and beautiful children.  In that dream, they even called me mom.  It is these dreams I have to be willing to grieve.

To dream about having something in your life that you so desperately want and waking up from that dream to realize it wasn't real, can affect your mood the rest of the day.  I have woke from wonderful dreams such as the ones I mentioned above and felt both excited about the feelings the dreams gave me yet saddened and even a bit depressed that they weren't real and touchable dreams.  In a way, the saddness and depression experienced is a form of grieving the fact that the dream isn't real.  It's important that we allow ourselves this.  Without the opportunity to grieve and allowing ourselves this, we risk becoming very bitter individuals.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life.  My sleep time is precious when I am fortunate to get to be able to sleep for a period of time.  However, I found myself not wanting to go to bed  at night after having the dreams about being pregnant or having children.  While initially I when I awoke those mornings all I wanted to do was sleep again per chance to dream, I found that at night I wanted not to sleep because I didn't know if I could handle the emotions I had felt earlier in the day if I would have one of those dreams again that night.  I needed to fully grieve those dreams in order to let it go and get the sleep my body needed and was requiring. 

Grieving our dreams of the future.  The hardest dreams for me to grieve are the dreams of the future.  For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to have a child of my own.  As a young girl and even into adulthood I have thought about and decided on the names of my children, how many I wanted, and how I would raise them.  Not just how I would raise them but the things I would say to them.  These were dreams no different than the person who dreams about what their career, spouse or wedding is going to be like.  Dreams are important and they give us something to shoot towards.  Our goals are often based on our dreams and what we want to accomplish with our life.  Unlike a sleep dream where we can wake up from and somewhat control, dreams of our future can not be completely controlled.  Things just don't always go the way we want them in the time that we want them.  My dreams of being a mom by a certain age weren't able to be controlled by me.  I tried everything I could to make it possible, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, even to become a mother isn't something I can control.  It's not that I am a control freek, but with goals, you want to be able to reach them when you work hard for them.

Why do I need to grieve these kinds of dreams?  If I can not grieve the dreams that have not come, I can not be open for new dreams or to be able to modify  the original dreams.  If I can not grieve that I am infertile and unable to conceive on my own, I can not be open enough to adoption as a possiblity.  If I become bitter about not being able to have my own child, how would I be able to be a good mother to a child of someone else's. 

I grieved this dream of becoming a mother when a few days ago I had to go into the room in our house that I had prepared to be a nursery.  During our first rounds of fertility treatments several years ago I painted the bedroom and had placed all the Winnie the Pooh items (I had collected over the years) in strategic spots.  Whether we had a boy or a girl the room would be the hundred acre woods from the adventues of Winnie the Pooh.  I had envisioned in my head where the crib, changing table and rocking chair would be.  Those dreams have only ever been able to stay in my head.  As year after year has passed with no pregnancy or child to fill that room, junk and other items began filling that room instead and before I knew it I couldn't even handle having the door open.  Having the door open reminded me with every glance of the baby items in there that I couldn't conceive.  It was time to take it all down as we decided that not being able to use that room was wasted space in our house and the light that came into the rest of the house with the door open was needed.  I took a large tote into the room and one by one the Winnie the Pooh items came down.  First the collection of Winnie the Pooh beanie babies (including Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger, etc.)  Then the 6 large Pooh bears sporting different outfits given to me by a family member, then all the music boxes, snow globes, russian dolls, wall hanging, wooden calendar, blankets, etc.  As I carried the now full tote to our basement to store I could barely see the steps .  It was much harder than I had thought originally to put it all away.  I think I cried for half of that day.  But I needed to grieve this.  Now as I walk into that room and the new couch bed and the empty shelf tops I don't feel the pain as strong, although it still exists.  I know that I can go in this room now and sit and read and not be reminded non stop of what I can't be. 

Grief's toll.  Grief, whether related to infertility or for any other reason, is valid emotion.  While everyone grieves in a different way, it is important to grieve.  Commonly, people will deal with grief through physical symptoms such as lack of energy, irritability, headaches, insomnia, extreme sadness and even the inability to concentrate.  Anger, denial, shock, numbness, and guilt and shame are common steps people dealing with grief may go through.  Whether you have lost a child to misscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or even the inability to conceive, those grieving will experiance all sorts of ups and downs. If you are not a person dealing with infertility (personally) and you are reading this I ask of one thing of you: compassion.   The grieving process is not something one can just "get over."

Paying attention to grief ends its ability to control you.  Allow yourself to grieve your dreams and don't be afraid to seek help.  It's something I have the hardest time doing but that I am trying to be better at.  You aren't going through this alone.  I am walking right beside you on this journey. 

Believe in Miracles.