Sex. Whoopie. Nookie. Bang. Laid. Whatever you call the act of sexual intercourse, generally the one thing that infertile couples have difficulty calling the act is "making love." Couples experiencing infertility and going through infertility treatments often deal with a more regimented, technical and scheduled sex life. The much wanted much more happier event of making love, once experienced in our early relationship, has gone by the wayside for the technical, "this is my only window of hope to make a baby," technical and many times non-passion filled moments to what I refer to as "sex."
Growing up as a Catholic, it was ingrained into my head that the act of sexual intercourse was meant predominately for procreation. When you can't conceive, where does that leave you?Sex in my opinion is less about the mental and emotional need that we as sexual beings need in our life and more about a biological experience. Sure, sex can make you still feel a little bit of something, but only when it isn't the means to an end. In other words, if I am having sex with my partner just for the idea of conception and we are working together to time it, the underlying pressure can leave you feeling cold and regimented inside. When the act involves a greater physical connection...the kind that leaves you breathing heavy and remembering all day how wonderful it felt to be so connected to your partner, that is "making love." What has happened to this in our lives? Why does this feel so non-existent?
Infertility grabs hold and doesn't let go. While it may be our ovaries, eggs, or uterus that keeps us from conceiving, infertility doesn't just affect that part of our body. Infertile couples often deal with depression and other issues which in turn affects our ability to communicate and connect with our partners in any way sexually other than technically and scheduled. It's not uncommon for infertile couples, if not on the same page and working together towards the same goal at 100% to have problems within their marriage. The number one culprit is the communication. As I sat down preparing to write this post, my husband and I reminisced back to the days of our early fertility treatments back 7 years ago. Chlomid left me moody and irritated most of the time which often led me to yelling and arguing with my husband one moment and then having to jump into bed together the next because of the window of opportunity closing up quickly that month. My husband claimed that I had "baby brain" which is the occurrence when you can't think about anything else in your life but trying to have a baby. We began not speaking to each other out of fear or frustration with what we perceived was the others motives for the sex. I'll never forget my husband saying to me that he felt I was just trying to use him as a sperm donor. We were becoming individuals, not on the same page, becoming resentful towards each other. What had happened to us? Had we lost that "loving feeling" like they talk about in the song of that same title? (You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips....)
How do we continue forging forward and save not just our marriages but our sanity? Spontaneity. My husband and I realized over the last 8 years of dealing with our infertility that we need to remember to remain connected. Instead of just having sex, we work towards the times of spontaneous, unplanned love making. How does this happen when you know that you may miss that window of opportunity for conceiving? We still chart but we don't always talk about how we "have to have sex" anymore. We bring foreplay back into the picture. Sometimes we just get plain silly and laugh and flirt. And we remember what brought us together and what helped us fall in love with each other.
Has this helped me get pregnant? Nope. But it has saved a marriage that was on a path to becoming bitter and disconnected. Who knows what would have happened had we not started taking this approach. We communicate more now. We connect more now. We make love more now. What would it mean to have a child and not have my husband there with me? It wouldn't be the same.
True love making and that connected feeling also increases the endorphins in your body and improves mood. Sometimes it is the difference between having a good and a bad day. When my husband and I were scheduling the sex in our lives, I often found myself emotionally drained and in tears of sadness and depression afterwards. I would much rather have a good day of thinking back to that love making rather than a day filled with sadness thinking the "what if" question of whether we finally conceived a child and the berating I did to myself thinking that I am a flawed person.
This post is probably not what you anticipated. Sex is so taboo. Making love should not be. If you are an individual suffering through infertility, take time over this next week to do something spontaneous with your partner. Enjoy a "nooner" spontaneously instead of planned. Flirt at the dinner table with your partner. Make love somewhere other than in your bed. Have passion in your life once again. Be spontaneous. You deserve it.
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