New Years Day this past year is a day I will never forget. Tired of the culmination of all the fertility failures we have had I was at the end of my rope. I was ready to give up hope. I remember spending the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, feeling truly overwhelmed with the notion that I would never be able to have a child of my own. I sat looking at the ground and not being able to gain interest in anything that day. As I was moving things around to cover up with a blanket and sit sulking and depressed on the living room couch I grabbed a book I had received as a Christmas present. As I moved it, it fell open to a page where my eyes instantly caught the first lines of a prayer. "(Lord,) In all that I do and all that happens, let me never lose hope."
While those words had been on that page for the prior week that I had owned the book, I had never opened it. As I read those words I felt an inner peace and I began to cry tears of peace and gratitude. It built in me a strength that I had yet known what to do with. That strength and fight stayed in me, bottled up inside, until I had found the path in which to release it...this blog. Have you ever felt an excitement so great that you couldn't contain it any longer? That is what this felt like. Yet, the excitement I felt I still knew would not help me physically produce a child. Rather, I knew that the strength I had would get me through the days ahead.
I am not the first in my family to deal with infertility. While one of my siblings who also dealt with infertility was finally pregnant after over 8 years or trying and fertility treatments, my family showed her support through the wearing of a silicone bracelet that the March of Dimes had been selling. Again during her second pregnancy we did the same. Those silicone bracelets, out and sold for almost every cause, serve as a reminder for the person struggling to not lose hope...to never give up...as well, it has garnished financial support for some causes. After reading that line of that prayer, instantly the words, "Believe in Miracles" came to mind and no matter what I did, I kept hearing that phrase in my head. Like a song that you can't get out of your head, this phrase would not leave. My solution: imprint it on a silicone bracelet so that I never forget it. (Thus, the creation of the bracelet you see pictured on this blog.) After creating the bracelet, I ordered just a handful so that if one would break, there would be more to put on. My dad, having seen me wearing one on a visit to their home one day asked me about it. As I told him the story he asked me if I had an extra one that he could wear. Soon, a few others in my life were asking for them so that they could show support as well.
Months went on with me wearing it. In May, I had to have surgery on my foot but was required to take off all jewelry...including the BiM bracelet. For some reason, after the surgery I never put them back on. And soon I was back down on the spiraled path to depression. Fourth of July and a family wedding this year where almost every relative our age had children topped off the lowest part of my life. At times we felt totally invisible...even to my in-laws who were consumed with a grandchild they only see several times a year. We were left to fend for ourselves. I felt again like a failure. Where was this hope that only a few months prior I still had? Where was this strength?
Recently I was reminded, in a visit to my parents house, that while I may have given up hope for a time that there were others out there still supporting me, praying for me, and thinking of me. What was the trigger? My dad still wearing the bracelet. He has never taken it off. He was wearing it for me. He was praying for me. I was not alone. I never was.
During the most difficult times that I was experiencing I know that there have been others out there supporting me and there for me, even if at the time I realized it or not. I have been fortunate to have a support group (the group on Facebook..) who I have been given support from on a daily basis. Yes...infertility is a 24/7 issue for me. It's good to know that 24/7 someone is there for me.
I wrote this today, not seeking people to come forward and tell me they are supporting me but rather as a story that some I know will be able to relate to and for others to read and be awakened to the challenges of what those of us dealing with infertility go through daily. I know that I can't stop believing that someday I will be a mom. I have people around me who won't let me. They may not be able to say it, but the outward sign, like the bracelet, reminds me of this. In all that I do and in all that happens, I WILL NEVER lose hope. I will believe in miracles.
I am reminded of this today as I look down at the bracelet back on my wrist.
While those words had been on that page for the prior week that I had owned the book, I had never opened it. As I read those words I felt an inner peace and I began to cry tears of peace and gratitude. It built in me a strength that I had yet known what to do with. That strength and fight stayed in me, bottled up inside, until I had found the path in which to release it...this blog. Have you ever felt an excitement so great that you couldn't contain it any longer? That is what this felt like. Yet, the excitement I felt I still knew would not help me physically produce a child. Rather, I knew that the strength I had would get me through the days ahead.
I am not the first in my family to deal with infertility. While one of my siblings who also dealt with infertility was finally pregnant after over 8 years or trying and fertility treatments, my family showed her support through the wearing of a silicone bracelet that the March of Dimes had been selling. Again during her second pregnancy we did the same. Those silicone bracelets, out and sold for almost every cause, serve as a reminder for the person struggling to not lose hope...to never give up...as well, it has garnished financial support for some causes. After reading that line of that prayer, instantly the words, "Believe in Miracles" came to mind and no matter what I did, I kept hearing that phrase in my head. Like a song that you can't get out of your head, this phrase would not leave. My solution: imprint it on a silicone bracelet so that I never forget it. (Thus, the creation of the bracelet you see pictured on this blog.) After creating the bracelet, I ordered just a handful so that if one would break, there would be more to put on. My dad, having seen me wearing one on a visit to their home one day asked me about it. As I told him the story he asked me if I had an extra one that he could wear. Soon, a few others in my life were asking for them so that they could show support as well.
Months went on with me wearing it. In May, I had to have surgery on my foot but was required to take off all jewelry...including the BiM bracelet. For some reason, after the surgery I never put them back on. And soon I was back down on the spiraled path to depression. Fourth of July and a family wedding this year where almost every relative our age had children topped off the lowest part of my life. At times we felt totally invisible...even to my in-laws who were consumed with a grandchild they only see several times a year. We were left to fend for ourselves. I felt again like a failure. Where was this hope that only a few months prior I still had? Where was this strength?
Recently I was reminded, in a visit to my parents house, that while I may have given up hope for a time that there were others out there still supporting me, praying for me, and thinking of me. What was the trigger? My dad still wearing the bracelet. He has never taken it off. He was wearing it for me. He was praying for me. I was not alone. I never was.
During the most difficult times that I was experiencing I know that there have been others out there supporting me and there for me, even if at the time I realized it or not. I have been fortunate to have a support group (the group on Facebook..) who I have been given support from on a daily basis. Yes...infertility is a 24/7 issue for me. It's good to know that 24/7 someone is there for me.
I wrote this today, not seeking people to come forward and tell me they are supporting me but rather as a story that some I know will be able to relate to and for others to read and be awakened to the challenges of what those of us dealing with infertility go through daily. I know that I can't stop believing that someday I will be a mom. I have people around me who won't let me. They may not be able to say it, but the outward sign, like the bracelet, reminds me of this. In all that I do and in all that happens, I WILL NEVER lose hope. I will believe in miracles.
I am reminded of this today as I look down at the bracelet back on my wrist.
No comments:
Post a Comment