Are you there God? It's me....

The sun was shining through the windows of the motherhouse chapel at the Ancilla Domini Convent, a place I knew well from my time as a Sister with the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ.  As the sun shown through that stained glass window adorning the south side of the sanctuary wall, the light ever so brightly shone on two items on the all wood alter; the right hand of the Angel Gabriel  pointing to Mary the mother of Jesus and on Mary arms as she crossed them over her heart.  As I knelt there, witnessing this almost visionary moment, I was struck with the story of the visitation in the Bible.  For those of you who are Catholic or read the bible may recall the story of the visitation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary to tell her that God wants her to bear his son.  Mary's response?  Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.  Be it done to me according to His will.  With my eyes still fixated on the statues raised high up on the altar I couldn't help but feel a bit of  jealousy towards Mary, the mother of Christ.  Not because I wanted to be the Mother of Christ.  Rather, I was jealous of her opportunity to be a mother.

Religion or choice there of doesn't affect ones fertility.  Just because I am Catholic, it doesn't mean I am closer to God and therefore less likely to be infertile.  What religion does is that it give us direction and support in dealing with our infertility through programs, etc.  However, it is our sense of spirituality that helps us make it through the times that are the most difficult.  A study (by Domer, Penzia, et al) even showed that in an evaluation of 200 infertile women, high levels or religiosity and spirituality were significantly correlated with low levels of psychological distress.

What I do find, is that I many times associate God with the reason for my infertility.  I know that I haven't done anything wrong to cause my infertility, so who can I blame?  My sense of spirituality helps my to be angry and God and to place blame on God.  What I have learned, is that God is okay with that.  God wants me to lean on him and seek his help.  It's not why I experience the infertility.  I highly doubt God would cause the one in order to have the other.  Rather, because I am human it exists and it is a possibility.  We can not assume that just because we have a belief in God or some sense of Religion that everything would be okay.  This isn't heaven.  This is Earth.

Everyday I find myself praying. I pray for my family.  I pray for others.  I pray to become a mother.  I know that prayer works.  14 years ago, as I prepared to leave the convent, I prayed to meet my husband.   I literally, everyday, prayed to find the man that I would spend the rest of my life with who shared the same faith and values as I did.  Within a month after leaving the convent I met Jeff.  5 Years later we married.  Now, please note that while I prayed for this, God made sure it was in his time, not my time. The same is with our fertility/infertility.

While for many this post is anything but comforting.  I didn't write it to only be a comfort or a blame for what we experience.  And I didn't write it as the answer to our infertility.  Rather, I wrote it to help others have a starting point.  So many of us feel alone, confused, hurt, etc., as we deal with our infertility.  Spirituality can give you some support and a lot less of a feeling of being alone.  It all depends on how we choose to use it.

There is a reason I wear a wristband that says "Believe in Miracles."  I wear it because it reminds me I am not alone in this journey.  It reminds me to depend on others and on God to help me through each day. It reminds me that I do believe that miracles can happen.  While sometimes I may wake up and wonder if my higher power, my God, is there,  I know that He is.  I just need to do my part and not stop believing.  If you are dealing with infertility and need some support, spirituality can help. 

Remember...don't stop believing in miracles.

(For any of my friends reading this post today, I apologize if I am not covering anything but Catholicism/Christianity.  Spirituality and Infertility is more complex then the amount of information which I can cover on this post today. I currently am in the process of writing a more thorough book on the subject of Spirituality and Infertility in which I will be covering various religions as well as what spirituality is.)

Change?

His bright blues eyes stared back at me.  As he smiled, I could feel myself smile too.  With his tender hand in mine, I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb.  For the first time in a very long time I found myself not aching inside.  Here in my arms was a 7 week old little boy.  A total stranger.  A young mother who came into our office to schedule an appointment had brought in her little newborn with her.  With her hands full, she asked me if I'd like to hold him as he had been smiling at me and "cooing." 

"He likes you," she said.

"Thank you.  Sure...I'd love to hold him. I love babies."  What was I saying?!?  Was I crazy?  Even the smell of a child would normally bring that intense aching and almost a feeling of anxiety about my infertility rushing into my heart and stomach.  I would even get dizzy and lightheaded at the site of one.  But for some reason, today was different.  Something had changed.  This time I found myself longing to hold this little one in my arms...if even for one second.  No, I wasn't planning some baby heist or even giving up.  Something had definitely changed in me.

As many of you may have read my last post last week, I was preparing to attend my 20 year class reunion.  Nervousness, fear, and anxiety plagued my thoughts and actions.  I planned on going in there and being strong as people flashed pictures of their children.  Instead, something different and unexpected happened.  I didn't have to try to be strong.  The support was immense.  Classmates came up to me not to show me pictures of their kids, but rather to tell me that they were reading my blog and that they enjoyed it and thought it was good.  Then they did something I never imagined.  They asked questions.  Now, these weren't the types of questions like, "Have you thought about adoption," or anything of that nature.  Rather, they dialogued and offered support.  They listened.  They had changed.  More so, I had changed.

Infertility sucks.  Plain and simple.  What I have learned about myself and this journey of infertility is that I am not alone in it.  If I open up to seeing the support that others out there are willing to give, it makes this journey a little easier to walk.  Society isn't out there to intentionally hurt those of us struggling with infertility.  Rather, it provides for a diverse arena for living.  People are the ones who hurt other people. Not society.  Sure there may be commercial after commercial for baby diapers or formula plastered in the middle of the day on TV and almost everywhere we look almost everything is geared towards families.  We as individuals have an opportunity to change how we perceive something.

Last month when that Breast Cancer awareness joke came around and I posted about it and how it affected me and others that I share this journey with, some of my friends quickly took it off their Facebook account and showed support to me and others.  If we expect others to always change for us, without providing change in ourselves, we are not truly growing.  Rather we are staying stagnant and are likely to become bitter individuals.  I was reminded by a classmate this weekend that this reunion was the true marker for if people would stay the way they were in high school or if they would change.  There were some who were truly snarkie and never even said "boo" to me unless I was the one to go and greet them first and even then the only words they spoke to me were "hi.".  Then there were the ones who not only changed into better people, but came up to me as soon as they saw me and said, "It's great to see you.  I am glad you came."  Clearly, change was good.

My lack of aching in my heart and womb was not because I no longer felt the longing to have a child of my own.  Rather, the lack of aching was because I realized that the feelings I was holding inside were actually alienating me from my true instincts to be a mother.  I had begun to forget what it felt like to hold a baby in my arms or how they smelled.  I had pushed myself away for fear of the hurt inside and for the fear that it would hurt too much. Likewise, I had held my infertility journey in for so long because I felt that to talk about it would hurt to much.  Instead, when asked this weekend about this journey, I opened up and talked about it, answering openly and honestly anything they asked.  It not only changed them, but it changed me. 

For all my infertile friends I give you one piece of advice:  Don't give up on others completely.  There may be people you have to de-friend but remember that you are not alone and there are others out there who have changed and will walk this with you.  Most importantly, you have to be willing to change. I found that out this weekend.  Not everyday is going to be easy but we just need to keep taking it a day at a time.

For all my fertile friends here supporting me I'd like to say one thing:  Thank you.  Thank you for walking with me on my journey and never giving up on me. 

My journey is not over.  I am not yet a mother.  I still hope to be someday.  I'll never stop believing in miracles.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

My palms are sweaty.  I'm a bit lightheaded just thinking about it.  I can't find a thing to wear amidst the 10 thousand things I have in my closet and dresser drawer. I am even going and working out this afternoon till I can't stand anymore in hopes that those extra 20 lbs I wanted to lose would drop off miraculously.  Yeah...that means its time for my high school class reunion.  But it's not just any class reunion...it's my 20 year class reunion. 

Some days I find it hard to believe that I have been out of high school for 20 years already.  They say (even though I still haven't figured out who "they" is...) that your high school years are the best years of your life.  Well, when I figure out who "they" is, I plan on showing "them" what my high school was like.  I was one of two things at any time.  I was either invisible or bullied.    Bullying didn't have to be words back then only.  It could be glances, sneers, comments overheard, etc.   You were placed in one of several groups:  the preppies, the heavy metal rockers, the jocks, the nerds, or the nobodies.   I was a nobody. There were times I wanted to die.  There were times I wanted to run away.  But then there were also times that weren't so bad.  Either way, I didn't always feel I fit in with everyone.  I had to work hard to make friends, and yet what few friends from my high school that I did "hang" out with, I don't even have that kind of connection with now.  My self esteem sucked to say the least and I didn't like myself or my body.  As a youth, my parents had convinced us that what goes around comes around so I had told myself that when I got older, things would be okay...that I would have a great life and be better off than I was when I was a teenager.  I had this idea that I would have a ton of really awesome friends, a great body, the perfect family, the beautiful house and lots of money. 

The way my life has turned out has not exactly been what I had envisioned.  My body?  Yeah...definitely no where near great.  Not even mediocre or fair.  And while I have quite a few awesome friends, (at least 412 according to Facebook...) I really feel only real close to only a couple handfuls of people.  My house is, well, in the ghetto in South Bend and while its not a total mess, we constantly have things in need of repair.  I work in the social work and health field so obviously I don't make the big bucks.  Regardless of the friends, the house, or the money, I would be totally content if only I could have the family.  Not even the perfect family...just a family.

As I think towards the events of this weekend, I can't help but think about being placed in a "group" again: the childless.   High school reunions are about being able to see people that you haven't seen in years in order to catch up and about being able to show how far you have come in your life.  For some of my classmates, they will have children in high school (or for a couple, a little older yet).  Some will even have newborns.  I will be in the "married for awhile and still childless" group.  While others are showing pictures on their iphones and droids of their kids, what will I have to show?  Nothing.  Not too many people get as excited about seeing pictures of our two dogs as we may be proud of showing them.  

So...some of you will say, "Why go then?"   And here is my answer:  I have come far.  I may not be a top attorney or a doctor, have the half a million dollar house or the money to go with it, or even have the body of a model or top athlete.  And for sure I don't have the perfect family.  Why would I want to put myself throughout his emotional roller coaster?  Sure I could make up some amazing story of having invented something like the post-it note.  (okay...not really.  But do you like the reference to the movie Michelle and Romy's high school reunion there?)  But with the invention of the social media sites like Facebook, anyone who has internet access can see I am just an average person. 

Why I am going is because I don't want to let infertility be my bully and keep me from being proud of how far I have come in my life.  I may not have the body of a model or even fairly good looking, but I am me and I know what I have gone through in my life to get where I am now.  I may not have the best house in the world, but in today's economy I am happy to have a roof over our head and to not be on the verge of foreclosure as so many are.  I may not have a lot of money, but somehow the bills (well..most of them) get paid every month and we haven't starved yet.  I may not have tons of friends, but the close friends I do have, I know would be there in an instant if I needed them.  While I don't have the perfect family, I have a husband who supports me enough to be by my side this entire weekend...even through the dreaded high school building tour!  We may not have children, but I won't let that get me down this weekend.  It may be hard and at times I might feel the jealousy towards others who have their perfect family with the 1.2 kids.  I know that I am no longer a nobody.

What goes around doesn't always come around.  I am okay with that.  I can't live my life thinking how unfair it is.  I am the only one who can make a difference in how I see my life.  And I see that no matter what, I am not giving up hope.  Bring on the pictures.  I will survive.

For Only One Moment; A letter to my child

Over the last several days I found it difficult to sit and write on this blog.  There was something running through my head like a thoroughbred on race day.  No matter what I did I couldn't get it out of my mind...I couldn't let it go.  A few weeks ago I had dreams about either being pregnant or of giving birth.  They were bittersweet dreams and I had them everynight over the series of two weeks.  But now they were gone.  While they made me feel sad when I would be awake or once I would realize it was only a dream, at least I could feel for that short time like I was going to be a mom...like my dreams were coming true.  I find myself missing them now that the dreams are gone.  Now, instead of having the dreams of having a child, I found myself wondering what I would say to my child if I could hold him or her in my arms for even just one moment. 

The thoughts kept me awake at night, until finally I sat down with my pen and paper and wrote the letter that I hope to someday be able to burn as I hold a child of my own in my arms.  My hope is that it brings comfort to others going through infertility and leads those not struggling with infertility to hug their child(ren) a little longer tonight and thank God for the precious gift they are.

My dearest child;

If only for one moment I could hold you in my arms.  If only for one moment I could stroke your soft, tender cheeks, wipe away any tears from your eyes, and provide you the comfort only a mother could.  If only for one moment I could share with you everything life could be and would be..the good and the bad...the easy and the difficult.

If only for one moment I could feel you stir within me I would speak to you and let you know that I would always keep you safe.  If only for one moment I could look into your eyes, and you into mine, you would know the intensity of my love for you.  If only for one moment I could feel you hold onto my fingers, I would never let go.

If only for one moment, you were here with me, I would teach you to love, respect, cherish, and be not afraid. I would show you how to build a fort, have a tea party, plays sports, make a meal. I would show you that I know nothing about fashion but everything about saving a dollar.  I would hold the back of your bike as you learned how to ride but let go as I know you must make mistakes on your own.  If only for one moment you were here with me, I would show you that even though your heart gets broken, I will be always be there to stay up all night and help you through it.  If for only one moment, I could hear you call me mom.

My dearest child, I have loved you even before I have met you.  But for this moment, I dream of what life would be like with you in it because right now I only know what life is like without you.  For only one moment I sit back and dream that I don't have to be sad that you won't be being born because of things out of my control.  For only only moment, I hold you in my arms...in my dreams.

Mommy.

Believe in Miracles Wristbands

Due to the popularity of the post about the "Believe the Miracles" wristbands, they are now available for order.  If you are interested, please email your address and how many you are requesting to mylifewithscrambledeggs.hotmail.com.  Wristbands are $2 each plus shipping (which will be determined based on the amount of wristbands ordered.)  Note that I make no profit off these wristbands as the cost goes to ordering more wristbands in order to further Infertility Awareness.

Grieving Dreams

Dreams.  What are they?  And why am I talking about grieving them?  For me, even the word "dream" means many things.  A dream can be defined as that state of rapid eye movement in sleep when your brain activity is high and in which we have a connection with our subconscious.  They can also be defined as that vision that we have for our future or usually a goal we hope to someday achieve.  The necessity of grieving involves both...especially for someone dealing with infertility.

Grieving our sleep dreams.  One of the inevitables in life is sleep.  We need sleep to rejuvenate us mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Sleep is often likened to the charging of a car battery.  Without that charge, the battery would eventually die and cease the rest of the vehicle from functioning.  So too are our bodies.  During our sleep we tend to dream.  Some of us unfortunate ones tend to be able to remember our dreams detail for detail while some individuals rarely even remember that they dreamt.  As a person who remembers dreams detail for detail, there have been times that my dreams have including times where I was either pregnant or had a baby in my arms that was mine.  I have even dreamt that I was a mom to three unique and beautiful children.  In that dream, they even called me mom.  It is these dreams I have to be willing to grieve.

To dream about having something in your life that you so desperately want and waking up from that dream to realize it wasn't real, can affect your mood the rest of the day.  I have woke from wonderful dreams such as the ones I mentioned above and felt both excited about the feelings the dreams gave me yet saddened and even a bit depressed that they weren't real and touchable dreams.  In a way, the saddness and depression experienced is a form of grieving the fact that the dream isn't real.  It's important that we allow ourselves this.  Without the opportunity to grieve and allowing ourselves this, we risk becoming very bitter individuals.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life.  My sleep time is precious when I am fortunate to get to be able to sleep for a period of time.  However, I found myself not wanting to go to bed  at night after having the dreams about being pregnant or having children.  While initially I when I awoke those mornings all I wanted to do was sleep again per chance to dream, I found that at night I wanted not to sleep because I didn't know if I could handle the emotions I had felt earlier in the day if I would have one of those dreams again that night.  I needed to fully grieve those dreams in order to let it go and get the sleep my body needed and was requiring. 

Grieving our dreams of the future.  The hardest dreams for me to grieve are the dreams of the future.  For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to have a child of my own.  As a young girl and even into adulthood I have thought about and decided on the names of my children, how many I wanted, and how I would raise them.  Not just how I would raise them but the things I would say to them.  These were dreams no different than the person who dreams about what their career, spouse or wedding is going to be like.  Dreams are important and they give us something to shoot towards.  Our goals are often based on our dreams and what we want to accomplish with our life.  Unlike a sleep dream where we can wake up from and somewhat control, dreams of our future can not be completely controlled.  Things just don't always go the way we want them in the time that we want them.  My dreams of being a mom by a certain age weren't able to be controlled by me.  I tried everything I could to make it possible, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, even to become a mother isn't something I can control.  It's not that I am a control freek, but with goals, you want to be able to reach them when you work hard for them.

Why do I need to grieve these kinds of dreams?  If I can not grieve the dreams that have not come, I can not be open for new dreams or to be able to modify  the original dreams.  If I can not grieve that I am infertile and unable to conceive on my own, I can not be open enough to adoption as a possiblity.  If I become bitter about not being able to have my own child, how would I be able to be a good mother to a child of someone else's. 

I grieved this dream of becoming a mother when a few days ago I had to go into the room in our house that I had prepared to be a nursery.  During our first rounds of fertility treatments several years ago I painted the bedroom and had placed all the Winnie the Pooh items (I had collected over the years) in strategic spots.  Whether we had a boy or a girl the room would be the hundred acre woods from the adventues of Winnie the Pooh.  I had envisioned in my head where the crib, changing table and rocking chair would be.  Those dreams have only ever been able to stay in my head.  As year after year has passed with no pregnancy or child to fill that room, junk and other items began filling that room instead and before I knew it I couldn't even handle having the door open.  Having the door open reminded me with every glance of the baby items in there that I couldn't conceive.  It was time to take it all down as we decided that not being able to use that room was wasted space in our house and the light that came into the rest of the house with the door open was needed.  I took a large tote into the room and one by one the Winnie the Pooh items came down.  First the collection of Winnie the Pooh beanie babies (including Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger, etc.)  Then the 6 large Pooh bears sporting different outfits given to me by a family member, then all the music boxes, snow globes, russian dolls, wall hanging, wooden calendar, blankets, etc.  As I carried the now full tote to our basement to store I could barely see the steps .  It was much harder than I had thought originally to put it all away.  I think I cried for half of that day.  But I needed to grieve this.  Now as I walk into that room and the new couch bed and the empty shelf tops I don't feel the pain as strong, although it still exists.  I know that I can go in this room now and sit and read and not be reminded non stop of what I can't be. 

Grief's toll.  Grief, whether related to infertility or for any other reason, is valid emotion.  While everyone grieves in a different way, it is important to grieve.  Commonly, people will deal with grief through physical symptoms such as lack of energy, irritability, headaches, insomnia, extreme sadness and even the inability to concentrate.  Anger, denial, shock, numbness, and guilt and shame are common steps people dealing with grief may go through.  Whether you have lost a child to misscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or even the inability to conceive, those grieving will experiance all sorts of ups and downs. If you are not a person dealing with infertility (personally) and you are reading this I ask of one thing of you: compassion.   The grieving process is not something one can just "get over."

Paying attention to grief ends its ability to control you.  Allow yourself to grieve your dreams and don't be afraid to seek help.  It's something I have the hardest time doing but that I am trying to be better at.  You aren't going through this alone.  I am walking right beside you on this journey. 

Believe in Miracles.

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex.  Whoopie.  Nookie.  Bang.  Laid.  Whatever you call the act of sexual intercourse, generally the one thing that infertile couples have difficulty calling the act is "making love."  Couples experiencing infertility and going through infertility treatments often deal with a more regimented, technical and scheduled sex life.  The much wanted much more happier event of making love, once experienced in our early relationship, has gone by the wayside for the technical, "this is my only window of hope to make a baby," technical and many times non-passion filled moments to what I refer to as "sex."

Growing up as a Catholic, it was ingrained into my head that the act of sexual intercourse was meant predominately for procreation.  When you can't conceive, where does that leave you?Sex in my opinion is less about the mental and emotional need that we as sexual beings need in our life and more about a biological experience.  Sure, sex can make you still feel a little bit of something, but only when it isn't the means to an end.  In other words, if I am having sex with my partner just for the idea of conception and we are working together to time it, the underlying pressure can leave you feeling cold and regimented inside.   When the act involves a greater physical connection...the kind that leaves you breathing heavy and remembering all day how wonderful it felt to be so connected to your partner, that is "making love."  What has happened to this in our lives?  Why does this feel so non-existent?

Infertility grabs hold and doesn't let go.  While it may be our ovaries, eggs, or uterus that keeps us from conceiving, infertility doesn't just affect that part of our body.  Infertile couples often deal with depression and other issues which in turn affects our ability to communicate and connect with our partners in any way sexually other than technically and scheduled.  It's not uncommon for infertile couples, if not on the same page and working together towards the same goal at 100% to have problems within their marriage.  The number one culprit is the communication.  As I sat down preparing to write this post, my husband and I reminisced back to the days of our early fertility treatments back 7 years ago.  Chlomid left me moody and irritated most of the time which often led me to yelling and arguing with my husband one moment and then having to jump into bed together the next because of the window of opportunity closing up quickly that month. My husband claimed that I had "baby brain" which is the occurrence when you can't think about anything else in your life but trying to have a baby.  We began not speaking to each other out of fear or frustration with what we perceived was the others motives for the sex.  I'll never forget my husband saying to me that he felt I was just trying to use him as a sperm donor. We were becoming individuals, not on the same page, becoming resentful towards each other.  What had happened to us?  Had we lost that "loving feeling" like they talk about in the song of that same title? (You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips....) 

How do we continue forging forward and save not just our marriages but our sanity?  Spontaneity.  My husband and I realized over the last 8 years of dealing with our infertility that we need to remember to remain connected.  Instead of just having sex, we work towards the times of spontaneous, unplanned love making.  How does this happen when you know that you may miss that window of opportunity for conceiving?  We still chart but we don't always talk about how we "have to have sex" anymore.  We bring foreplay back into the picture.  Sometimes we just get plain silly and laugh and flirt.  And we remember what brought us together and what helped us fall in love with each other.

Has this helped me get pregnant? Nope.  But it has saved a marriage that was on a path to becoming bitter and disconnected.  Who knows what would have happened had we not started taking this approach.  We communicate more now.  We connect more now.  We make love more now.  What would it mean to have a child and not have my husband there with me?  It wouldn't be the same.

True love making and that connected feeling also increases the endorphins in your body and improves mood.   Sometimes it is the difference between having a good and a bad day.  When my husband and I were scheduling the sex in our lives, I often found myself emotionally drained and in tears of sadness and depression afterwards.  I would much rather have a good day of thinking back to that love making rather than a day filled with sadness thinking the "what if" question of whether we finally conceived a child and the berating I did to myself thinking that I am a flawed person.

This post is probably not what you anticipated. Sex is so taboo.  Making love should not be.  If you are an individual suffering through infertility, take time over this next week to do something spontaneous with your partner.  Enjoy a "nooner" spontaneously instead of planned.  Flirt at the dinner table with your partner. Make love somewhere other than in your bed.  Have passion in your life once again.  Be spontaneous.    You deserve it.

A Time to laugh...A Time to Cry

Whether you have read in the Bible the book of Ecclesiastes or listened to the song, Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds, we have been told that there is a time for everything.  One of the phrases that often comes to mind for me is "a time to laugh, a time to weep."  For a woman dealing with infertility and on treatments, those times may often intercede each other on a frequent basis.  Heck, there are times through fertility treatment after treatment that I am sure my husband thought I had more personalities coming out at one time than Sybil.  (Ok...yeah..that dates me with that reference.)

Today's blog is about a time to laugh and cry.  For some, we will laugh and cry at the same time, thinking back (and probably for some it was just a day ago) at our own times of craziness and mood changes.  Some of us will cry remembering how difficult those times were. And for those who have never had to deal with infertility but read this out of support for us I have one thing to say:  Be afraid...be very afraid!  (lol!) 

I chose to be a little humorous today as they say that sometimes laughter is the best medicine.  And today I needed that medicine bright and early!  Recently at a small family event, I was face to face with a couple people whom I had defriended on my Facebook related to the whole "joke" post that was going around.  These people were supposed to care about me.  Instead they criticized me for being sensitive to my and others' infertility struggles.  At this recent event, they brought an 8 month old child of a friend of theirs with them.  During the course of the evening, at one point they came to my husband and I and asked if we wanted to hold this child.  This child who had no relation to our family.  This child that I would have no connection to after that moment.  Of course not!  And it wasn't their child.  They knew we would be there.  We felt it a personal attack against us.  They were rubbing in the fact that I couldn't have a child.  Here they were pretending to be "mommy and daddy" to this little one, flaunting her in front of my husband and I.  Even another family member felt they had done it for the same reasons as I had.  In light of it all, it was a time to laugh and a time to cry moment.

Had I not started standing up for the struggle I deal with daily, I may not have garnished the strength to make it through that event.  I may have left in tears as I had done in the past at events like this.  Instead, I remembered the "Believe in Miracles" bracelet that I wear now all the time and I remember that I am not aloe in this struggle and I continued on.  I actually laughed about it on the way home that night.  Ok...it was a sinister laugh (ha ha ha ha) but it was a laugh none the less.   I wasn't about to let them get me down this time.  While there were still tears coming from my heart inside, I was a stronger person.  I made it through.  I shouldn't have to be faced with these kinds of insensitive events in my life, but realistically I know that I can't avoid every one of them and I will be faced with laugh and cry moments.

So bring on the humor you say?  Yeah...that was a cry moment as I thought back to that event.  But we need some humor.  So I ran across a couple of jokes the other day and while some are probably not the most politically correct, they had me laughing almost to the point of tears.  So, I decided to post a few of them.  For some of you reading this, the jokes may not make sense...just bear with it.  If you tell the joke and someone gets it, even without saying you will know they deal with infertility and trying to get pregnant.  So here they go:

--How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Screw in a light bulb!  Hmmm...do you think it might help?

--How does an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) like his eggs?  Over 20mm!

--You know you deal with infertility if :

• Someone asks you the date and you reply, "Day 21."
• If you've ever counted 1,2,3 after sex followed by throwing your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
• If you wake up and the first thing you reach for is not your morning cup of coffee but a thermometer.
• If you've put your feet in stirrups more times than you've had sex in one week.
• If you find it perfectly normal to pee on a stick, stick it in a machine and wait to be told if your husband/partner is definitely going to get lucky that night.
• If you refer to events in DPO's (Days past ovulation for those not familiar with the term.)
• If the word cycling has nothing to do with a bike!
• If you have ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries and considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was "inhospitable."  (okay...yes...I do the conversation part.  Commence laughing...)
• If you've ever gotten up by 7 a.m. on a football weekend to do a shot and it wasn't of the alcoholic variety.
• If you seriously consider using the ultrasound pictures of your ovaries and follicles for your Christmas card picture this year.
• If foreplay consists of your husband asking, "How is your cervical mucus today?"
• If reaching the big "O" doesn't stand for orgasm anymore.

These are just a few of the ones I found out there as I was looking for humor.  Seriously, I laughed my butt off on a few out there....ones that I am sure my fertile friends will look at and with a quizzical look in their eyes go, "Huh?"

Remember, there is a time to laugh, a time to cry.  A time to be born, and a time to die.  For everything there is a purpose under heaven.  This purpose may not be easy.  But as we struggle with our infertility, may we not lose hope that for everything we go through, we must experience the opposite as well.   For experiencing the infertility, may we be blessed with fertility in some way.  I can't help think that this will be.  Gotta keep believing in miracles.

 

Don't Stop Believing

New Years Day this past year is a day I will never forget.  Tired of the culmination of all the fertility failures we have had I was at the end of my rope.  I was ready to give up hope.  I remember spending the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, feeling truly overwhelmed with the notion that I would never be able to have a child of my own.  I sat looking at the ground and not being able to gain interest in anything that day.  As I was moving things around to cover up with a blanket and sit sulking and depressed on the living room couch I grabbed a book I had received as a Christmas present.  As I moved it, it fell open to a page where my eyes instantly caught the first lines of a prayer. "(Lord,) In all that I do and all that happens, let me never lose hope." 

While those words had been on that page for the prior week that I had owned the book, I had never opened it.  As I read those words I felt an inner peace and I began to cry tears of peace and gratitude.  It built in me a strength that I had yet known what to do with.  That strength and fight stayed in me, bottled up inside, until I had found the path in which to release it...this blog.  Have you ever felt an excitement so great that you couldn't contain it any longer?  That is what this felt like.  Yet, the excitement I felt I still knew would not help me physically produce a child.  Rather, I knew that the strength I had would get me through the days ahead.

I am not the first in my family to deal with infertility.  While one of my siblings who also dealt with infertility was finally pregnant after over 8 years or trying and fertility treatments, my family showed her support through the wearing of a silicone bracelet that the March of Dimes had been selling.  Again during her second pregnancy we did the same.  Those silicone bracelets, out and sold for almost every cause, serve as a reminder for the person struggling to not lose hope...to never give up...as well, it has garnished financial support for some causes.    After reading that line of that prayer, instantly the words, "Believe in Miracles" came to mind and no matter what I did, I kept hearing that phrase in my head.  Like a song that you can't get out of your head, this phrase would not leave.  My solution: imprint it on a silicone bracelet so that I never forget it. (Thus, the creation of the bracelet you see pictured on this blog.)  After creating the bracelet, I ordered just a handful so that if one would break, there would be more to put on.  My dad, having seen me wearing one on a visit to their home one day asked me about it.  As I told him the story he asked me if I had an extra one that he could wear. Soon, a few others in my life were asking for them so that they could show support as well. 

Months went on with me wearing it.  In May, I had to have surgery on my foot  but was required to take off all jewelry...including the BiM bracelet.  For some reason, after the surgery I never put them back on.  And soon I was back down on the spiraled path to depression.  Fourth of July and a family wedding this year where almost every relative our age had children topped off the lowest part of my life.  At times we felt totally invisible...even to my in-laws who were consumed with a grandchild they only see several times a year.  We were left to fend for ourselves.  I felt again like a failure.  Where was this hope that only a few months prior I still had?  Where was this strength?

Recently I was reminded, in a visit to my parents house, that while I may have given up hope for a time that there were others out there still supporting me, praying for me, and thinking of me.  What was the trigger?  My dad still wearing the bracelet.  He has never taken it off.  He was wearing it for me.  He was praying for me.  I was not alone.  I never was.

During the most difficult times that I was experiencing  I know that there have been others out there supporting me and there for me, even if at the time I realized it or not.  I have been fortunate to have a support group (the group on Facebook..) who I have been given support from on a daily basis.  Yes...infertility is a 24/7 issue for me.  It's good to know that 24/7 someone is there for me.

I wrote this today, not seeking people to come forward and tell me they are supporting me but rather as a story that some I know will be able to relate to and for others to read and be awakened to the challenges of what those of us dealing with infertility go through daily.  I know that I can't stop believing that someday I will be a mom.  I have people around me who won't let me.  They may not be able to say it, but the outward sign, like the bracelet, reminds me of this.  In all that I do and in all that happens, I WILL NEVER lose hope.  I will believe in miracles.

I am reminded of this today as I look down at the bracelet back on my wrist.

Somewhere Only We Know

I once read that infertility is the mirror image of mourning.  One starts with a death, the other ends with a birth.  For many woman the infertility never ends and the mourning continues on.  Sometimes what is said or done can affect an infertile woman's mood at the drop of a dime.  (I hate bringing it back up again but...) The joke that went across facebook became the straw in the infertile woman's cap and triggered several of us to stand up for our feelings and the insensitivity's of society.  Today's blog hopefully will help those interested in being of greater support for those dealing with infertility in their lives.

Let's start off by looking at the numbers.  1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility.  Even though when a baby girl is born she is born with a million eggs, by puberty she has already dwindled down to only 300,000 eggs.  From this, only around 300 eggs will mature and release through ovulation.  A woman's chances getting pregnant then also decrease with age.  A slow fertility decline starts in our 20's and rapidly declines by the time we hit our 40's.  A healthy 30 year old woman (and note the term healthy...) who is trying to conceive has only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month.  By age 40 that number has shrunk to 5%.  Likewise, the rate of miscarriage also is higher if a woman is her 30's as well as the chance of a child being born with an abnormality.   Likewise, 4 to10% of women, like myself, suffer from Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don't know about you, but every time I read a new fertility statistic, my biological clock dings louder than Big Ben through a microphone!

As well as the lower possibility of getting pregnant naturally, even forms of assisted reproductive technology (ART) are affected by age.  According to the CDC, in 2009, the ART cycles that lead to live births was only 41% for women under the age of 35, 32% for women ages 35-27, 22% for women ages 38-40, 12% for women aged 41-42, and only 5% for women aged 43-44.  And that's with someone scientifically assisting the process!  Of the 148,055 cycles of ART performed in the US in 2008, only 46,326 produced live births.  This is only a 31% success rate. 

Some women, due to their religions can not even consider forms of ART.  The Catholic Church, which is the religion I was brought up in, believes that ART goes against the teachings of Christ and the church.  Strong staunch Catholics (like my husband) then are left without ART as an option and this reduces the likelihood that we would be able to have a natural child of our own even more.

How do I help?  This was a question raised by a friend of mine as I started writing this blog and after the aftermath of the Facebook joke.  That sentence was like having someone hold my hand through a horrible procedure.  The comfort it provided holds me strong to this day.  So the question is, what can you do or say to help?   First off, an infertile woman, like myself, deals with various hormonal levels that we can't control.  Something is wrong in our body and we don't know if what is said will trigger a negative or positive response.  There are a few things said that will send us off reeling no matter what or how it is said.  We will get to those in a minute. 

DO:  What you can do is offer to go to lunch with your infertile friend, or even a movie (and might I suggest you ask them what movie they want to see as some movies will trigger an episode of tears if it deals with children, etc.).  Do offer comfort and say, : "I am praying for you," or " I am sorry about what you are going through.  I can't imagine how hard that must be," and "I am here for you."  Do offer to listen.  Sure, it may seem like we are complaining all the time, but we have good reason.  Some of us take medications that cause us horrible side effects with everything occurring from nausea, bloating, and diarrhea to sleepiness, sleeplessness, bruising and major mood swings.  Sometimes people want to help but don't know what to say because there are no words that will take the pain truly away that we are going through.  Sometimes just saying, "I'm here to listen without judgement or advice as this is something I have never gone through, but I want to support you."  Do offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen with and hand to hold.  Sometimes these are the most important things we need.

DON'T:   Obviously this list will be pretty long.  Many of us have been going through this for a long time.  This list will almost read like the ABC's.  The first area is ADOPTION.  Many of us have been dealing with this long enough that we have thought of adoption as an option.  Regardless of if we have or not, do not say, "Why don't you just adopt," "You can always adopt," or "Have you thought of adoption?"  Adoption is not as easy as everyone thinks it is.  The route of adoption can be very expensive and time consuming.  If every person who conceived naturally had to go through this route to even keep their own child, many would fail.  On the other side of it, many infertile couples want a child of their own flesh and blood.  It makes it difficult.  As many positive stories or adoption you hear there are just as many horror stories.

Do not baby brag or complain to an infertile woman.  What is baby bragging?  It's when a pregnant woman brags all over the Internet about her baby bump, or when a mother brags about the next thing her newborn has done.  Likewise, don't complain about how difficult it is.  An infertile woman who longs to have a child longs to have all the bad and the good.  It doesn't mean that you aren't validated for the struggle you are going through, but this is one trigger that I hear most often.

Do not deny a woman dealing with infertility her feelings.  Even if they have been able to get pregnant but have had miscarriage after miscarriage, it doesn't mean they can easily get pregnant.  They are still considered infertile.  Some may have only been able to have one child and never be able to conceive again.

The next "do not" involves God.  Do not say to a woman, "God has a different plan for you," "God doesn't want you to have a baby," or "God must be punishing you for something that you did wrong."  I highly doubt that women have miscarried or not gotten pregnant because of their choice of faith. When someone speaks in this way I often want to pop back up with the response:  "So, when did you become God," or "when did God reveal to you this revelation and ask you to pass it my way." Please don't tell them to do a novena, become a better, Catholic, christian, Lutheran, or whatever religion they are and then maybe God will give them a child. It is probably one of the best way to get an infertile woman going on a rampage.  For those of us who believe in God as our higher power, we believe that God is a God of love and not hateful towards us. 

Do not say to us, "Just relax and you will get pregnant," "Just lose weight (or gain weight) and you will get pregnant," or tell us the story of another friend or friend of a friend who did these things and got pregnant.  Please, don't tell these to us unless we ask for this information.  It reminds us of our failures.  It also most times isn't an issue of our weight or relaxing.  Whatever you do, please don't tell us that we are trying too hard.  When we didn't try we were still infertile.  It didn't make a difference.  And, for many of us, trying involves medications that we must take to even allow our body to function correctly.  Without my thyroid medications, my thyroid wouldn't function.  The same is with some of the medications that help us to ovulate, produce cervical mucus, or have the normal hormones most healthy women have.

Whatever you do, be there for us.  This is only a short list of areas that we see most often and how you can help.  Another way to help is to continue encouraging others to read this blog.  Because infertility has remained such a tabooed subject and many couples keep it under wraps, some won't come forward and acknowledge to you that they are dealing with this.  Education is going to be the big key to changing the way society looks at infertility.  For the longest time I thought infertility was something that only I knew and felt.  When I began to educate myself to everything out there with regards to treatments, etc. I was opened to a whole new world.  I realized I wasn't alone.  We are here now offering all you out there the opportunity to join us in the place that only we knew for so long.  Help us make a difference.  Help us educate the world.  And most of all, just be there for us.

Who I Was Born To Be

They say that from the moment you are conceived, as a female we have a distinct number of eggs that our body will produce.  No where did they say that those eggs can have minds of their own.  As a born and bred Catholic, I have always believed in God and the concept that he has a plan for me. Most of my life I have spent trying to find where I fit in this world, what God's plan was for me and basically and who I was born to be. 

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to have a family, even though I felt for a small time that God was wanting me to be a nun.  I struggled with the decision to enter because I knew it meant me never having children.  But I went forward and entered anyways.  At some point I knew it was not meant to be and I left.  My dreams have stayed the same.  I have still remained steadfast to the idea that I am to be a mom.

My journey on this path of infertility has helped me to grow into the person I am today.  I gain my courage from this journey and the people that have been walking with me along the path.  I wasn't always this courageous...and I wouldn't even see myself as courageous right now.  I see myself as living my life for me now.  While the "breast cancer" awareness facebook joke has been insensitive, the positive that has come out of it all has been that I see the importance of standing up and becoming public with this journey. 

As a Catholic and infertile, my journey has been challenging.  I was the "good" Catholic girl.  I remained a virgin till the day I got married at that age of 30.  This was something important to me and of which I was a minority with amongst my friends.  It was what I was taught but more so it was what I had decided to do.  It was the one thing I could control in my life.  I say that I was a virgin but I was a virgin by means of any sexual encounters I had choice in.  You see, I had been sexually molested when I was a child over the course of a year. (From who and why is not important for this blog.).  However, in regards to all other sexual encounters in my life where I had the choice, I chose to wait till I was married to engage in sex.  According to the Catholic Church, the act of sex was to be used with the idea of procreation.  I believed in this truly.  So I waited.

I continued to watch my siblings get married and start having their own families.  I was one of the last to get married yet I was the third oldest in a family of five of us kids.  I was criticized when I was a kid by my peers because I chose not to "give it up."  I was bullied in grade school by the popular kids, even getting beat up on at least one occasion.  I spent high school alone because I couldn't participate in the sexual stories that my classmates were sharing.  My body image and sense of self esteem was shot. I just never fit in.  Now here as an adult I was fitting in less because I had not children and couldn't conceive as all my friends and family were. I never felt like I had become an adult.  It was as if becoming a parent gave you that transition.  But I never have experienced having my own child.  How could I become an adult now?  I turned into the Aunt and the daughter that had to do everything asked of her because I didn't have any "so called" responsibility so I must have a lot of time.  I wasn't allowed to comment on situations going on within the family because I didn't know what it was like because I didn't have any children.  The words and comments would keep coming.  Yet no one wanted to hear what was going on with our infertility journey. It was hushed.  I was told that it would happen and to just be patient.  People would roll their eyes when I talk about it.  They still do.  I would leave parties and houses in tears with many a night crying myself to sleep.  Even making love to my husband became an emotional task as the realization that this act would notSo...for a long period of time I hushed and kept it inside, only sharing small parts of it with my husband.

Then, last week hit.  The now famed Breast Cancer awareness joke hit facebook.  I cried after a friend who had posted it told me that it was a joke.  It was someone who I cared deeply about.  Here I had been struggling with my infertility and many of my friends knew this.  Why hadn't they thought about the fact that this would affect me.  Had they not thought about me?  I felt alone and started falling right back into the "little girl" world.  Then something happened.  Overnight I transitioned. 

The next morning I came to a realization that I was a woman.  That I had rights too.  That I could no longer be bullied.  I became a stronger version of me...stronger than I ever have before. It was time.  I could no longer remain hushed and live behind the taboo that the word "infertility" is in society.  I realized though that there could be backlash.  Yet, I knew that a true friend, like the one who had originally posted the joke on her status, would right the wrong if the friendship meant anything. (For this friend, I say "Grapes."  She knows what this means even though it will mean nothing to the rest of you.) 

I could no longer live behind the bullying.  People who claimed to be friends but who got defensive when asked to take it off their status and wouldn't see the damage it was doing to me and my friends got deleted out of my friends account.  I even had a couple people tell me to shake it off or move on.  But how could I move on from infertility?   I will live this infertility 24/7.  I will go to bed childless and awake each morning childless.  Some of my friends won't.  To know that you may never hold a child of your flesh and flood in your arms creates a pain that is indescribable.  Kelly Coffey in the song , "I would die for that" says it best when she says, "What I want most, before my time is gone, is to hear the words, "I love you , Mom."

It's not that I don't support other causes, cause I do.  I have every silicone bracelet imaginable under the sun and wear them proudly.  But when it comes to infertility, who wears the bracelet?  Who sports the teal ribbon?  Who wears it on their shirt?  For so long, infertile men and women like myself have hidden their infertility.  And where has it gotten us? Hushed and in a corner, living in a world where everything is focused on the family.  Looked at weird by families as they assume we choose not to have children when in reality it is that we can't. 

For these reasons I am not longer silent.  For these reasons I am standing up for each and every one of my sisters and brothers in this world dealing with infertility.  I am standing up for those who don't feel they have the courage to stand up and speak for themselves out of fear of being pushed further and further into the abyss of aloneness that we get pushed into with infertility when family or friends just don't understand our pain.  I am standing up for those who cry themselves to sleep every night because they know tomorrow that crib will still be empty when they wake in the morning.  I am standing up for each of those women who lose their child to a miscarriage.  I am standing up.

It took me 38 years to realize that this is who I was born to be.

Join me.  I am no longer the young girl that was bullied.  I am now a woman.  A woman on a journey.  The road is not easy, but together we can accomplish things together and get the awareness out there. 

Join my journey.

Ma'am..put that brownie down and no one will get hurt!!!

Okay...so it's a gluten free brownie...the only kind I can have with the gluten allergy I found out I had as a result of a visit with one of the multiple fertility specialists I have seen over the last 8 years.  No glass of milk as the dairy intolerance, also an issue as a result of infertility and my PCOS, wrecks havoc with my body.  I really shouldn't eat that brownie cause it'll probably go straight to my butt..you know...that place where I get the hCG shot every month.  But the only reason I want that brownie is because of the damn Chlomid making me want to bite everyone's head off.  Then it's baby dance time. Oh...but it has to be the right time...timed, in a certain position, and somehow I gotta get that darn...I mean, dear husband of mine to in the mood.  Then comes the two week wait to see if that dear, I mean, damn monthly visitor makes it or goes into hiding once again for who knows how long and for who knows why.

It's funny how many times that scenario took place in my house over the last 8 years...and yet it's not really funny when so many of those struggling with fertility can probably nod their heads and say that same if not a similiar thing. As a "secret society" (called this since so many don't want to talk about infertility with others in public,) we can all relate to this scenario and probably more often than not. 

I would have remained silent about the infertility, only crying behind my covers, a closed door, or before and after a family function where my husband and I remained the only childless couple, had it not been for the latest "breast cancer awareness" joke. (Which in no way raised awareness to breast cancer by the way...).  While it saddened me it also pushed me to this level of advocay in my life. 

Today I lost friends...well, Facebook friends.  People who wanted me to shake it off, move on, and never bring up infertility.  Some were family.  Some were friends.  None of them willing to continue hearing how hard it is and how much it sucks to have to deal with infertility.  None of them realizing that the longer I go without conceiving or having a child, the greater risk I am at for cancer...BOTH breast and ovarian.  None of them realizing the effects of Chemo and radiation on a breast cancer survivor and that they are less likely to conceive as for many it pushes them into menopause.  None of them have met Annie, Elaine, Mary, or any of the other 20+ women in my life who have survived Breast Cancer.  For them I will live my life always adovcating for a cure to breast cancer.  For them I will refuse to put up a status that in any way is supposed to be a joke.  Breast Cancer is no joke.  It's no more of a joke than muscular dystrophy, stroke or a heart attack.  I only ask that people stop looking at the like and struggle that I live daily as a joke.

I know that for many it wasn't malciously done.  But after pleaing my case on Facebook, some still continued to post.  Some still sent me the "joke."  Some expecting me to post it.  There was even one person who sent it not once, but twice in order to anger me and upset me.  Family.  It was a family member.

Through this all I know who my family is.  My family is and has become those who have supported getting awareness out there in these few short days.  My family is and has become those who reached out a hand and posted something on their status in regards to inferility awareness.  My family is and has become those who have stood behind me encouraging me to go forward and event sometimes listening to my rants.  To this family, I say thank you....and I am not going anywhere.

The Grass Isn't Greener On The Other Side

Last night I couldn't sleep as I thought about the stir that the recent Breast Cancer awareness joke (or whatever you want to call it) that has been going around has stirred.  Those of us dealing with infertility were outraged and wanted people to stop posting these statements.  Some of those never having to deal with infertility told  us we were being dramatic, to shake it off, or even called us vulgar names for making a big deal out of it.  The one response I will never forget was "You know, the grass isn't greener on the other side."

The grass isn't greener on the other side.  But it's not that green  on this side either.  The notion that individuals dealing with infertility don't know what it's like to be a parent or can't relate is a misnomer.  We realize, understand and know that parenting is not an easy task.  Why do individuals with children think this is so?  Is it that they regret their choice to have children?  Is it that they think they are the only ones who feel that way when hundreds of parents past and present have experianced the same thing.  Those of us struggling with infertility know parenting isn't easy.  We have struggled through the path of infertility.  Our stuggles carry the same weight.  We have cried many of nights, many sleepless nights. We have dealt with side effects of fertility medications and treatments that mimic pregnancy, labor, and after birth.  We have experianced loss through misacarriage after miscarriage.  We have been excited as there were plus signs in the window of the pregnancy test only to find out later that there was no heart beat. Every growth and every sign during a pregnancy brought us greater hope only to be dashed with stillbirths or miscarriages.  Our hopes and out dreams were the same as those who never had to deal with this.  What we haven't done is taken this precious gift of life for granted.  It's the one thing we dream of most...to be called mommy or daddy.

That doesn't mean we don't understand what terrible two's are or sleepless nights.  It doesn't mean we don't know that parenting is hard.  It doesn't mean we think that our child will be perfect, act perfect, and sleep through the night.  It also doesn't mean we don't know of the complications of pregnancy, birth, and after.  Some of us have lived it all.  Some of us haven't.  But to say we don't understand what it's like to lose a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or to have a child with special needs would be to say that when we have lost a child to miscarraige or stillbirth  or through our stuggles to conceive are of no importance and they are no big deal. 

Compassion goes both ways.  I have watched many a friend through pregnancies, baby showers, birth, and beyond.  I have changed explosive diapers, been spit upon, cradled a colicy baby to sleep and cried over the loss of a child with friends and family.  I have been the support to others in need at the drop of the dime.  Is it too much to ask for compassion on our side?  When a person has a child without going through infertility do they take for granted that it should be easy to conceive?  I don't ask that they come to our side alone, but at least meet us at the fence.  See what we go through on our side of the fence and that the grass isn't greener on this side either.

But I am not going to sit back idley either. I am tired of the taboo and holding it inside.  My name is Melissa and I am infertile.

The Joke, The Taboo, The Time to Take Action

The blog was inspired partially due to a horrible "Breast Cancer Awareness" joke that did anything but aware people of breast cancer.  Instead, it fueled that activism of myself and a few others who were tired of sitting back and allowing society to keep piling more and more pain upon us.  For most, if not all of us, we had nothing to do with our infertility...it was an unwanted card we were dealt and of which we are reminded of every day.

For some people who have no problem having children, they don't seem bothered by the newest craze in Facebook Breast Cancer awareness posting jokes going around.  A couple of days ago a new joke came around Facebook private messages requesting that the receiver post on their status the following;  "I am (#) weeks and I am craving (certain junk food associated with a certain number.)"  For individuals struggling with infertility this struck a nerve.  It struck a nerve immediately with me.  Infertility Support Groups are asking that everyone take it off Facebook.  First off, no one has ever become more aware of Breast Cancer through a simple private joke post.  What raises Breast Cancer awareness is programs, advertisements, fund raisers and people speaking out about it.  What does faking pregnancy cravings have to do with Breast Cancer awareness?  Do they not realize that many women who have had Chemotherapy for their breast cancer are also left with a greater risk to their child if they attempt to even conceive within so many years after having received Chemo?  This not only then rubs is infertile woman raw but it digs the knife deeper into the wounds of woman with Breast Cancer.  Bra sizes are one thing, although also insensitive for the woman who has had to have a mastectomy...but a bra is an accessory...a child is not.

Infertility has been a taboo in society for far too long.  Not only do people experiencing infertility end up having to deal with consistant reminders of their inability to conceive with the hundreds of advertisements for diapers, babyfoods, clothes, etc. but they also are less likely to have insurance coverage for any type of treatment available to help remedy the situation.  Infertile couples spend thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars out of their pockets to try and conceive, only to have to spends thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars later should they chose to try the route of adoption.

As a part of an Infertility Support Group I want to get the word out.

Please don't see this as an emotional plea.  See this as a plea to make a difference in a society that all to quickly is becoming callous and insensitive.  Take into consideration the impact that a few words on a social media site can have on individuals.

Today I wrote and submitted part of this blog I am writing to several news stations and our local paper.  We can't let it stop only with our blogs and a few facebook messages. We need to take it above and beyond.  Nothing will be changed if we sit back and don't stand up.  We will only continue to be pushed aside and a knife stuck deeper into the wound of our infertility.  Let's make a difference.  If we walk together, we can take the taboo out of it and maybe...just maybe...those dealing with infertility after us won't have the struggle as hard as we have had.

Where it all began...

8 years ago I married the love of my life...the one I wanted to share my "forever" with and who I wanted to start a family with.  I started out late in life, but that was more so because of the vocational call that I thought I had been called to.  At the young age of 19 I started to look at joining the convent.  For a short time I even did.  By the time I was closing in on turnig 25 I knew that God was leading me in a different direction.  Within a few months of leaving the convent I met my husband.  I knew he was the one because I had prayed while I was in the convent, that God would find me the person with whom I would spend the rest of my life and with whom I would have a family and that he would have the same faith and values as I had.  I specifically prayed for him and for a family.  I had gotten him, but what about the family?  By the time we got married I was 30 years old and 9 days.  I knew we had to start from moment one to try to have children.  One doctor put me on birth control for several months thinking it would jump start my cycle and ovaries.  After going off the BC pills, nothing.  Within a few months we started seeing a OBGYN that specializes in fertility...or so we thought.  All she wanted was to test my husband's sperm and stick me on Chlomid.  Still nothing.  After over a year it took its toll on us emotionally and financially. The reason we could't conceive would change each time: you don't ovulate, you don't have normal periods, you might have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, you have hypothyroid, or you are too fat.  We had to stop the treatments.

I tried everything I could think of, from vitamens to taking my temperature everyday to making deals with God.  ("Please God, if you just get me pregnant I will devote my first born to you...I will offer him to you.") Still no child.  The one time there was a secod line appear on the pregnancy test, it turned out that the testing kit had been defective and the doctor easily said, "Nope, you are not pregnant."  Friends and family got pregnant and moved into the realm of being a family with their new children.  We continued to sit back and wait...and wait...and wait.  Here we are 8 years into our married life and still not pregnant.

We have spent years of being told "You don't know what it is like...you don't have children," when we would try and be support and help with the nieces and nephews, would just throw a knife into our hearts.  Expectations that we would take care of doing everything for everyone else in the family just because we didn't have children came by the truckful.  And the worse of it all is Mother's and Father's Day's.  The sadness over beign infertile would just get overwhelming more and more each year.  What could make it worse?  A recent "breast cancer awareness" joke on Facebook where those who received it were to put as their status: I am (month of birth in #) weeks and I crave (candy associated with the number of the day of your birth.).  This set myself and many of my friends living with infertility to be stabbed with that knife once again.  I needed to do something. I couldn't deal with this constant stabbing anymore.

I started this blog for several reasons: 1.) To provide support for others going through infertility like myself.  and 2.) To help bring awareness and education to those that don't experiance infertility so that we can bring about a more aware and compassionate society in the area of infertility.  There is so much to write but this is just the beginning.  Stay tunned...it's just getting good!