His bright blues eyes stared back at me. As he smiled, I could feel myself smile too. With his tender hand in mine, I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. For the first time in a very long time I found myself not aching inside. Here in my arms was a 7 week old little boy. A total stranger. A young mother who came into our office to schedule an appointment had brought in her little newborn with her. With her hands full, she asked me if I'd like to hold him as he had been smiling at me and "cooing."
"He likes you," she said.
"Thank you. Sure...I'd love to hold him. I love babies." What was I saying?!? Was I crazy? Even the smell of a child would normally bring that intense aching and almost a feeling of anxiety about my infertility rushing into my heart and stomach. I would even get dizzy and lightheaded at the site of one. But for some reason, today was different. Something had changed. This time I found myself longing to hold this little one in my arms...if even for one second. No, I wasn't planning some baby heist or even giving up. Something had definitely changed in me.
As many of you may have read my last post last week, I was preparing to attend my 20 year class reunion. Nervousness, fear, and anxiety plagued my thoughts and actions. I planned on going in there and being strong as people flashed pictures of their children. Instead, something different and unexpected happened. I didn't have to try to be strong. The support was immense. Classmates came up to me not to show me pictures of their kids, but rather to tell me that they were reading my blog and that they enjoyed it and thought it was good. Then they did something I never imagined. They asked questions. Now, these weren't the types of questions like, "Have you thought about adoption," or anything of that nature. Rather, they dialogued and offered support. They listened. They had changed. More so, I had changed.
Infertility sucks. Plain and simple. What I have learned about myself and this journey of infertility is that I am not alone in it. If I open up to seeing the support that others out there are willing to give, it makes this journey a little easier to walk. Society isn't out there to intentionally hurt those of us struggling with infertility. Rather, it provides for a diverse arena for living. People are the ones who hurt other people. Not society. Sure there may be commercial after commercial for baby diapers or formula plastered in the middle of the day on TV and almost everywhere we look almost everything is geared towards families. We as individuals have an opportunity to change how we perceive something.
Last month when that Breast Cancer awareness joke came around and I posted about it and how it affected me and others that I share this journey with, some of my friends quickly took it off their Facebook account and showed support to me and others. If we expect others to always change for us, without providing change in ourselves, we are not truly growing. Rather we are staying stagnant and are likely to become bitter individuals. I was reminded by a classmate this weekend that this reunion was the true marker for if people would stay the way they were in high school or if they would change. There were some who were truly snarkie and never even said "boo" to me unless I was the one to go and greet them first and even then the only words they spoke to me were "hi.". Then there were the ones who not only changed into better people, but came up to me as soon as they saw me and said, "It's great to see you. I am glad you came." Clearly, change was good.
My lack of aching in my heart and womb was not because I no longer felt the longing to have a child of my own. Rather, the lack of aching was because I realized that the feelings I was holding inside were actually alienating me from my true instincts to be a mother. I had begun to forget what it felt like to hold a baby in my arms or how they smelled. I had pushed myself away for fear of the hurt inside and for the fear that it would hurt too much. Likewise, I had held my infertility journey in for so long because I felt that to talk about it would hurt to much. Instead, when asked this weekend about this journey, I opened up and talked about it, answering openly and honestly anything they asked. It not only changed them, but it changed me.
For all my infertile friends I give you one piece of advice: Don't give up on others completely. There may be people you have to de-friend but remember that you are not alone and there are others out there who have changed and will walk this with you. Most importantly, you have to be willing to change. I found that out this weekend. Not everyday is going to be easy but we just need to keep taking it a day at a time.
For all my fertile friends here supporting me I'd like to say one thing: Thank you. Thank you for walking with me on my journey and never giving up on me.
My journey is not over. I am not yet a mother. I still hope to be someday. I'll never stop believing in miracles.
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