What Goes Around, Comes Around

My palms are sweaty.  I'm a bit lightheaded just thinking about it.  I can't find a thing to wear amidst the 10 thousand things I have in my closet and dresser drawer. I am even going and working out this afternoon till I can't stand anymore in hopes that those extra 20 lbs I wanted to lose would drop off miraculously.  Yeah...that means its time for my high school class reunion.  But it's not just any class reunion...it's my 20 year class reunion. 

Some days I find it hard to believe that I have been out of high school for 20 years already.  They say (even though I still haven't figured out who "they" is...) that your high school years are the best years of your life.  Well, when I figure out who "they" is, I plan on showing "them" what my high school was like.  I was one of two things at any time.  I was either invisible or bullied.    Bullying didn't have to be words back then only.  It could be glances, sneers, comments overheard, etc.   You were placed in one of several groups:  the preppies, the heavy metal rockers, the jocks, the nerds, or the nobodies.   I was a nobody. There were times I wanted to die.  There were times I wanted to run away.  But then there were also times that weren't so bad.  Either way, I didn't always feel I fit in with everyone.  I had to work hard to make friends, and yet what few friends from my high school that I did "hang" out with, I don't even have that kind of connection with now.  My self esteem sucked to say the least and I didn't like myself or my body.  As a youth, my parents had convinced us that what goes around comes around so I had told myself that when I got older, things would be okay...that I would have a great life and be better off than I was when I was a teenager.  I had this idea that I would have a ton of really awesome friends, a great body, the perfect family, the beautiful house and lots of money. 

The way my life has turned out has not exactly been what I had envisioned.  My body?  Yeah...definitely no where near great.  Not even mediocre or fair.  And while I have quite a few awesome friends, (at least 412 according to Facebook...) I really feel only real close to only a couple handfuls of people.  My house is, well, in the ghetto in South Bend and while its not a total mess, we constantly have things in need of repair.  I work in the social work and health field so obviously I don't make the big bucks.  Regardless of the friends, the house, or the money, I would be totally content if only I could have the family.  Not even the perfect family...just a family.

As I think towards the events of this weekend, I can't help but think about being placed in a "group" again: the childless.   High school reunions are about being able to see people that you haven't seen in years in order to catch up and about being able to show how far you have come in your life.  For some of my classmates, they will have children in high school (or for a couple, a little older yet).  Some will even have newborns.  I will be in the "married for awhile and still childless" group.  While others are showing pictures on their iphones and droids of their kids, what will I have to show?  Nothing.  Not too many people get as excited about seeing pictures of our two dogs as we may be proud of showing them.  

So...some of you will say, "Why go then?"   And here is my answer:  I have come far.  I may not be a top attorney or a doctor, have the half a million dollar house or the money to go with it, or even have the body of a model or top athlete.  And for sure I don't have the perfect family.  Why would I want to put myself throughout his emotional roller coaster?  Sure I could make up some amazing story of having invented something like the post-it note.  (okay...not really.  But do you like the reference to the movie Michelle and Romy's high school reunion there?)  But with the invention of the social media sites like Facebook, anyone who has internet access can see I am just an average person. 

Why I am going is because I don't want to let infertility be my bully and keep me from being proud of how far I have come in my life.  I may not have the body of a model or even fairly good looking, but I am me and I know what I have gone through in my life to get where I am now.  I may not have the best house in the world, but in today's economy I am happy to have a roof over our head and to not be on the verge of foreclosure as so many are.  I may not have a lot of money, but somehow the bills (well..most of them) get paid every month and we haven't starved yet.  I may not have tons of friends, but the close friends I do have, I know would be there in an instant if I needed them.  While I don't have the perfect family, I have a husband who supports me enough to be by my side this entire weekend...even through the dreaded high school building tour!  We may not have children, but I won't let that get me down this weekend.  It may be hard and at times I might feel the jealousy towards others who have their perfect family with the 1.2 kids.  I know that I am no longer a nobody.

What goes around doesn't always come around.  I am okay with that.  I can't live my life thinking how unfair it is.  I am the only one who can make a difference in how I see my life.  And I see that no matter what, I am not giving up hope.  Bring on the pictures.  I will survive.