Watching the Ball Drop

In less than an hour 2011 will be gone and 2012 will be here whether we like it or not.  My year is ending on a negative note. Well, a negative pregnancy test note that is.  Why does that seem important tonight of all nights?  Because tomorrow being 2012, brings for me a new sense of hope.

As my husband and I prepared for our quiet New Years Eve evening at home I checked the calendar and for the first time in 3 months my cycle was late.  Could I possibly be pregnant this month?  Well, for the first time in awhile I didn't bother to "try" to get pregnant this month.  Too many things were going on so we didn't bother to try to monitor as closely all the temperatures, fluids, etc.  So, could it be?  Yes, it could have been.  However, now being two days late, the pregnancy tests was a definite negative.  Why not wait and test tomorrow though?  Because I wanted to leave the negative in 2011 and bring positive hope into 2012.

I am grateful for the great things that happened in 2011 and wish the bad things would have never happened.  I will never forget the emotional July 4th this year and barely being able to function because I had just spent the entire weekend with my husband's family where we were once again one of the only couples without children.  I will never forget the horrible joke that was supposed to be support for breast cancer but only alienated and caused pain for many of those like myself who deal with infertility.  But even the bad things, like those I just spoke about, have brought about positive occurrences.

Call in our own local "Occupy Infertility."   I sat amidst the pain of infertility, fighting it tooth and nail.  I fought it in my life but finally came to my own conclusion that I was better than the infertility.  It was no longer going to control me.  Rather, I would take control over my infertility. 

I am blessed today because of the great people I have met along this journey and I am happy to be able to share this journey with all of you who read this.

To all of you followers out there, Happy New Year.  May 2012 be kind to you and may all your dreams (the good ones...not the nightmares) come true.  2012 will be my year.  2012 will be your year.  Believe in Miracles.

Ending 2011....Bring it on 2012!

At the end of 2010, my hopes and resolution was to make 2011 a better year.  I realized that I had to be alot more specific as while it was as not as bad of a year as 2010, it was a decent year.  What I wanted the most was to have a child of my own.  That didn't happen.  As we prepared to bring 2011 to a close, some of our hopes of naturally conceiving are also coming to a close.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very challenging. We heard news on Christmas Eve that only brought the joy that Christmas should be filled with to a sadness that no one would ever have to experience.  And worse of all was spending time with all the families on Christmas Eve and Day. Families that now we were beginning to think would never happen or us anymore.  On Christmas Eve we found out from a reliable source that the new infertility specialist that we were hoping would have some answers is in the position only for the money.  Evidently she orders tests after test after test regardless of the fact that the tests have been done multiple times before.  She states that if a person can't afford the workups, they have no reason to be trying to conceive.  Doesn't she realize that most infertiles, by the time they get to her, have already gone through test after test after test and many have gone into debt before getting to her?  It was a bit disheartening.  And worse of all, its through a Catholic based health system she works through.

Then, a couple days after Christmas we finally got a call back from the local Catholic Charities adoption program.  We were informed that if we were interested, it would be $150 for the intake, $1000 for a home study, and then anywhere from $8000 to $16,000 for placement and adoption.  This is money we don't have.  By the time we saved up enough money to do this on our own we would be too old to be considered for adoption.  We've just spent the last 5 1/2 years paying off a loan for the last infertility treatments.  The end of the loan we are currently under is at the end of May. 

So...what hope do we have for 2012?  We don't know.  Right now we are taking everything day by day.  We know that there are no miracle funds out there to help us become a family.  It's something we want badly and feel incomplete without.  But we won't give up trying to achieve.  I know it's expensive to have a child, but to add the extra costs just in order to adopt a child also seems unfair as well.  And the harder part is that it's Catholic organizations who are doing this....it appears as if its just a money making religion.  And here I am Catholic.  I work for free as the Director of Religious Education and the confirmation teacher.  I volunteer at my local Church in the Choir.  I am involved in a local Catholic retreat program.  And while I don't expect reimbursement for all I do from the Catholic Church, it appears they want money more and more for every single thing they do.  They were right...nothing in life is free.  Jesus was also right...give to Caesar what is Caesar's.  Unfortunately, the Catholic Church must be the new Caesar.

So, we look now at the local Department of Family and Children Services.  Likely we will have to accept a child with disabilities in order to complete our family.  Pray for us.  Can we handle that?  Pray for what we can handle.  Pray that our family is complete by this time next year.  Soon we will begin taking classes in hopes to be considered for adoption.  Pray that all goes well.  And more so, pray we get a miracle.

I won't stop believing in Miracles.

Twas the Week Before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas and all through my house
the only noise I heard was the snoring from my spouse.
Our stockings were hung in the living room with care
Knowing that no baby would still be there.

The fur babies were nestled, one on each side
but it didn't matter as the sadness of infertility I could not hide.
While hugging a pillow and sleeping I'd try,
The empty nursery just led me to cry.

With remote in hand I switched from tv station to station
awaiting some sign of natural ovulation
To my dismay, none this month would happen here.
Disappointed to know no two blue lines would appear.

It's an occurrence that happens to often it true
awaiting to dream about babies in pink an blue.
Eight years of trying every pill and every med,
and putting up your legs each hop into bed.

While to you it may seem silly or routine
but for us its a step towards a dream.
A baby to hold and to love and watch grow
Oh what we'd do...too the extents that we'd go...

Maybe someday things will more complete us
and we'll have us a bigger family for Christmas.
Until then I know that on Christmas Eve,
I'll look at the stars and whisper, "In Miracles I Believe."

For if God can give a virgin a baby boy Savior,
God can grant me this little favour.
God listen to my prayers and hear them please;
I'd like a little face to wipe when they sneeze.
A hand to hold, a face to kiss,
A part of me that right now I so miss.

And as you hear my prayer know that I am grateful so,
for all that you have given me, but this you already know.
Please help me to make my life more complete
and give me the pitter patter of little feet.



I wrote this today as I was thinking about the holidays so quickly approaching.  Holidays can be one of the most difficult days to deal with infertility.  While I have been doing well and handling the holidays without much difficulty, I know that quickly this can turn at the drop of a hat.  It can take one thing to occur to cause the tears and the sadness to turn on like the Niagara Falls.  This Christmas I am much more blessed though...I have a group of friends also going through infertility and knowing what I feel.  For that I am most grateful.

I know that I will make it through this year...maybe not completely without a few tears, but I will make it through.  Christmas is a time of miracles.  A miracle can be simple or as amazing as the birth of a child.  Either way, Christmas brings us hope.  Hope that a miracle can happen to me...or to any one of my friends dealing with this as well.

Christmas is also the time to pay it forward.  I know that this year will not be as hard as in the past.  My new friends have paid forward their positivity and optimism.  2012 will be the year for us.  Whether through adoption or us conceiving, we will not allow 2012 to pass without knowing the possibility of us having a child in our arms is possible. 

To all of you readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Feast of the Solstice, and Happy Holidays.  May your dreams and ours come true.




**If you'd like to help me in anyway this Christmas season, I am asking that you pass this blog on to others and ask them to pass it on to others.  The goal of this blog is to raise awareness of infertility and make real the struggle that so many of us endure. Through this type of education we can help others understand and help society be a little easier to live in as someone who is childless.  Thanks so much..

Hope Floats

It's been a couple of weeks since I last blogged...it seems as though time has just slipped away with the hustle and bustle of the preparations for Christmas. I had nearly forgotten that I was trying to blog at least once a week on her about our journey.  Due to my lack of blogging, instead of dreams of sugarplums dancing in my head it was words and thoughts that I knew I needed to get down on paper that occupied that space instead.  (I guess it was a local "Occupy my Brain" protest by the words...)  I haven't given up trying or even this journey and sharing it with you.  Rather, I for a few weeks there, hope floated.  In my head I believed that anything was still possible.  That is...until today.

This weekend we sent out our yearly Christmas newsletter to a few family and friends (only a few because the cost of postage, envelopes, ink, and paper costs can break the bank in the end when the count gets into the hundred plus amount!).  In this newsletter we made the announcement that we planned on pursuing the possibility of adoption and we asked for people to pray for us.    Today we met the first negative comment about this decision and surprisingly it came from a relative.  The words from this relative resounded in such a way that they came off as sounding like we were foolish for even considering adoption.  This was from someone who supposedly loved us.  Instead of standing up for ourselves and challenging their opinion we cowered down instead and took it and began to feel like we couldn't be parents because someone didn't think we could.  Why weren't we standing up for ourselves?  Why were we allowing someone else to control our confidence in ourselves and our future? 

Adoption doesn't just happen overnight.  I don't go sign papers today and proceed to the next like and get a baby and free fries and a drink!  The process of adoption is much like the season of Advent (in the Christian Church.).  Advent time, in the church, is a time of waiting and preparing. It's about anticipating the good, (the coming of the Saviour) and dealing with the bad (if you've shopped on Black Friday in crowds of people you know what I am talking about!).  It's about seeking forgiveness and preparing our hearts anew.  It's about getting everything set up for the big day...Christmas Day.  And above all else, its about family and a husband and wife becoming a family with the birth of their son who just so happens to be the Saviour of the world.  The process of adoption is much the same.  It's about preparing your home, your life and knowing that in the end your life is changed as you welcome a new family member into your home.  It's about the good (someone entering into the family) and the bad (the challenges associated with each person becoming adjusted to a new family dynamic).  In the end, it is all worth it.

From the time I was a young girl I always knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to be a mom.  This struggle to have a child goes beyond what I was ever prepared for.  Hope gets dashed when each month comes and the pregnancy test remains negative.  But then there are the little steps that occur that reinstall some hope.  How do you pick yourself up after someone dashes the little bits of hope you had left?  Like Nike said, you "just do it."

My faith in God and belief that God exists has to remain my stronghold.  I need to listen to God (or for some of you its whatever higher being you believe in.)  When I was younger and in the convent I believed that my vocation in life was to be a Sister/Nun.  When I realized that my true vocation was to be married and have a family, I knew that I needed to leave religious life.  I have never felt God so strongly as I do in my belief that my vocation is to be a wife and mother.  While some say you can't "will" yourself pregnant, you can believe.  Willing something to happening is believing that something can occur out of the fact you belief it can and you trust in that higher power to make it happen. 

Today hope floats because I believe in my heart of hearts that my vocation is to being a wife and mother.  I am not giving up hope.  Neither should any of you out there reading this who deal with the same kid of situation like I deal with today.  Find the positive support around you.  If there is no one, always remember I am here for you all.  And above all, remember to Believe in Miracles...we all are one.

Thanksgiving and thankfullness

I can't believe I am actually up earlier than 7 a.m. and typing away at my blog on Thanksgiving Day.  We can blame it on my dear (although that's not what I called him this morning) husband who awoke at 4:50 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep so thought neither should I. Today of all days I need sleep the most as tonight I tackle the big task of Black Friday shopping.  I hate the crowds of people that start tonight and don't end until a week after Christmas when everyone has finally finished returning the gifts that didn't fit or that they didn't like.  If I can get all the shopping done in one 24 hour time frame I know that I will be fine the rest of the holiday season.  But it means braving many times rude, pushy, deal crazed people.  (Ok....I am deal crazed but not pushy and rude.)  Since we have no children of our own, why are we so crazed about getting a good deal? Because we had no children.  To have to shop only one day of the entire season and most of the time there are no children out on these overnight adventures makes the season geared towards family and little kids still believing in Santa a little more bearable.

Thanksgiving is about being thankful for those things that the other 364 we often take for granted. While I can't be thankful for the infertility that we struggle with, I am thankful for the opportunities that talking about the infertility has helped us to have.  I began this blog, I have begun researching and writing a book, I have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of others going through this same struggle, and I have even become a stronger person overall.  It still hurts to see someone else getting pregnant when we struggle still but I know that this year I am in a better place mentally than I was even last year.

Today I am thankful for all those supporters and all of you who read this blog. It's not necessarily my typically long blog post, but I think I can sum it all up in this one statement.  I am thankful for all the miracles in my life .

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Christmas vs. Infertility

About a week ago a local radio station started playing their round of Christmas songs...songs that will grace the radio from now until the day after Christmas.  As I rolled my eyes (I mean, really..it's not even Thanksgiving yet for another 5days!!!), I began to feel the pang of anxiety in my stomach, dizziness in my head, and a "cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching" coming from my purse.  That "cha-ching" was the sound our hard earned money preparing to leave our possession and join the ranks of all other tens and twenties in the registers of big box super stores this Black Friday.  While we have no children of our own for "Santa" to make his yearly voyage to, we still have to buy for every niece and nephew under the age of 18 in our family as well as our godchildren.  What does infertility have to do with all this and Christmas?

For those of us with infertility, it can be very difficult to celebrate the holidays.  Expectations are that we will attend, happily of course, every Christmas party and family celebration where each of the little kids will either be dressed in their Christmas bests or will have to sing or play on their "recorders"  (a flute like noisy instrument) their rendition of Silent Night or We wish you a Merry Christmas.  Silently we will sit at these parties, trying to avoid the consistent, "do you have any children," "when are you having children," or "how's it going trying to conceive" questions.  We attempt to sit at the back of the room, attempting to avoid having to have anyone see how writhing with jealousy we are over the parents of those kids playing the noisy and out of tune songs...jealous because we wish they were our children.  I even shop on Black Friday in order to avoid the hustle and bustle at Christmas time through the malls and stores, thus avoiding each parents who is still looking for that toy that their child so desperately wants.  To see them, knowing it isn't me who will see a child open a gift excitedly on Christmas morning.  Knowing it won't be us who share the "Night before Christmas" story or putting out the cookies and milk for Santa. (I've tried the cookies and milk thing and trust me when I say that Santa couldn't take the time to come down our chimney for these gluten free delights and almond milk we had set out for him. )

It's not just the gift giving and party going, even though every Christmas we walk home after these parties with a couple of Christmas gifts we receive even though we came with two laundry baskets and a large trash bag full of gifts to give. (I know its not about receiving, but the gift of giving thats part of the season.).  I would give up every materialistic gift in order to have the gift of a child instead.  As a Catholic, Christmas is about preparing the way for Jesus (symbolically) to be born.  While the original event happened thousands of years ago, we celebrate this occurrence on a yearly basis.  Today as I drove, I thought about what Christmas meant.  It was about this preparation.  Again the jealousy hit.

As I drove I began to think about Mary and Joseph, Jesus's parents.  I thought about the bible reading where the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, who was about to flee and leave Mary because she was pregnant with someone else,  other than his, child.  Basically, Joseph was a nervous dad.  Mary trusted God enough to say, "Ok...I will carry your son."  I was feeling jealous and yet a bit like Mary.  And my husband, ironically, has been feeling alot like Joseph.  While we aren't pregnant/expecting, my husband was nervous about the kind of father he would be and I was the one sitting back and telling God to "bring it on."  It is important to remember that these feelings are ok.  I truly believe that is why we hear these stories in the bible.  However, it doesn't help me feel any better about still being childless.

I think that I began thinking about all this because the stress of marking natural ovulation for once in my life (that in itself is a miracle of its own...)fell into the roll of trying to conceive and stress took over.  What if it worked?  How would we afford a child?  What kind of parent would I be?  I was reminded today in a Christmas song heard on the local Christian radio station that even Joseph was nervous.  This brought comfort.

So, maybe the timing wasn't right this time and maybe I will never ovulate or even conceive naturally on my own.  This month at least I had hope. Christmas is about hope. While I will sit at these parties and feel sadness in my heart, I also know that it will happen every year.  Maybe next year I will be there with my own son or daughter.  Maybe not.  Isn't that what Christmas is all about though?  A Miracle?  Christ was a miracle regardless if he would have been born the natural child of Joseph and Mary or the creation of God ,as his son, placed into Mary.  Either way, he was a miracle.

For all my friends out there wishing for a Christmas miracle, I will be praying for all of you.  For all those a little happier because they know their Christmas miracle is on its way and they will have him or her in their arms by this time next year, I pray for the miracle in your womb.  For all my friends and family who have their miracle I ask you to hug your miracle a little tighter this season and be grateful to the Creator for being given this precious gift.

As we head into the Christmas season, I am thankful for each of you reading this and traveling this journey with us.  Don't forget, Believe in Miracles.

A Family Affair

Many of you who are Facebook friends of mine recently saw my endless post about my great Aunt Alice who passed away.  In our lives we are often only ever given a handful of people who impact our life so tremendously that to live our life without them in it is almost unimaginable. My Aunt Alice was one of those people.

By society's standards she didn't do anything outrageous and amazing.  In my standards she did extremely amazing things.  She taught me about life and what's the most important thing about it.  Aunt Alice was raised in the great depression.  She once said that she always thought that the only place that you got bread and milk was the local fire station.  It wasn't until she was about 9 years old that she found out there were stores that you got those same items at.  While she was frugal, she wasn't a miser.  She gave to charities as well as family and loved to travel.  I believe that she has been to almost 50 countries in her lifetime.  She was a devout Catholic who volunteered her services to her church, museums, and charities.  While those are all great accomplishments, her greatest accomplishment has been her family.  How Aunt Alice lived was how she raised her children.  Now grown adults with children and grandchildren of their own, it is evident that her surviving children are also spitting images of her generosity and caring.

So, what does this have to do with infertility and my journey with it?  As I stood at that back of the living room at my Aunt's house after the funeral and I watched my cousins, new acquaintances and my family sharing with each other I heard the West Virginia accented voice of my Aunt Alice speak into my ear, "It's all about family...focus on family."  What did this mean?

In dealing with infertility it isn't uncommon to feel frustrated when you are around others with children and babies.  I didn't feel that at this funeral.  I was overwhelmed with the sadness of the loss of my Aunt Alice.  As I grieved her loss, I feared that I wouldn't have this wonderful similar situation when I was older and had passed on.  Who would bury me?  What if my husband died before I did, who would I have left?  And I even found myself praying and talking to my Aunt Alice asking her and invoking her to take my desire to have a child to God.  She has been an amazing role model as a mother.  While at first I thought maybe it was just the hospitality of West Virginians, I realized that my Aunt wouldn't have raised her children any other way then to be generous, hospitable people....especially to family.

Infertility is really a family affair.  If you struggle with infertility and feel alone, know that you don't have to.  My cousins have been the stronghold of my not giving up hope.  While I grieved at the casket, the funeral, and the cemetery, my cousins reminded me as did the priest saying the funeral mass that we would one day see her again.  Hope.  Hope that we will see each other again.  Hope that all will be well.  My family, while sometimes say or do insensitive things, still have hope for me.  All in all I know that they hold out hope for my husband and I that we will still have a family of our own someday.  I must still hold out hope.

My Aunt Alice was my stronghold of hope.  During one of my visits to her she and I sat on her back patio and watched the hummingbirds and the morning traffic across the river.  As we sat and enjoyed the morning air and each other's company and talked about how it is that we can determine what God's plan is for us, she told me one of the pieces of advice that I will never forget and that I now pass on to you all.  It was simple.

"You just have to believe."

Would you like some Cheese with that Whine?

I was reading back on past posts I have done.  This post today marks #20 for me.  Never did I think that after two months I would still be blogging about infertility and that it would have become so successful.  (well...in my eyes it being viewed at least 2000 times is somewhat successful...).  While I should be happy and usually my posts give a positive twist to difficult situations, my post today and how I am feeling is anything but happy or positive.  Today is one of those very difficult days. 

This last month was the last month we could afford to do any trigger shots (for those non-infertility treatment peeps out there, a trigger shot (usually HCG) helps in folllicle maturation and triggers the release of mature eggs from the follices.).  I even had begun taking supplements that are known and proven to increase fertility in many women.  Soon I was ingesting meticulously the soy isoflavones, Vitex, and Maca. I thought I felt a difference.  I started using OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kits) to tell me for sure when I was ovulating after the trigger shot, and when all I had was a faint faint line and never got anything strong, I proceeded to plan the baby dance...aka love making.  Then the two week wait. I felt sick to my stomach a few days after the baby dance took place.  Could it be?  Could it have happened this time?  Everywhere around me signs were pointing to yes!  I really thought it could be this time.  We could be mommy and daddy finally!   Then October 31st happened.

Right on the nose for the first time in 20 years, my monthly visitor came on time. (This may be TMI for some of you...).  "Oh well," I thought  "there is always next month."  I wasn't that upset that day.  Or even the next day after that.   No...it didn't hit me until 4 days later.   A realization hit me: there isn't always next month.  I am 38 1/2 years old.  Who's to say that my "next months" weren't possibly when I was in my mid to late 20's and early early 30's.  I mean, come on...I recently read about another Infertility Support Groupie who only after 3 years finally achieved pregnancy.  It's been 8 years, 5 months, and 10 days since we started trying.  That's 101 failed cycles.   101 times of never seeing two lines on a pregnancy test.  101 times to suffer heart break.   If you ever wanted to know what it feel like to be a failure, 101 failed attempts puts you right there in it.

Grey days suck.  Grey days are those kinds of days where nothing seems to go right and even though the sun may be out outside, over and in your head there is nothing but grey skies.  Today is my grey day.  Today is the day I want to shout out, "F*** You, God!!" and yet I know it won't do me any good and I really don't mean it...I just need someone or something to blame. (Yeah...and after getting upset with God a couple weeks ago, that same night I ended up with an instant inset of a fever (that lasted 3 1/2 days) and severe tonsillitis).

Yes...today I am whining.  Somedays we gotta do that.  Why not today?

I know it won't last forever, but I think that sometimes we all, infertile or not, have the right to this kind of day.  Sometimes we just need to vent, scream, curse, etc.  We need to get it out.    So...I apologize ahead of time for the rants, curse words, or if you cut me off on the road today even a flying middle finger.  Today is my day.  It's all about me today.  Tomorrow can be about you.

Hey...it seems that has helped my grey cloud a bit.  Now I just need to go grab some cheese to go with my whine.

When the Ribbons Cross

Recently, celebrity reporter Guiliana Rancic announced that she was recently diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer.  For those followings he public journey with infertility of  her and her husband Bill Rancic (of "The Apprentice" fame), hopes were that this 3rd attempt with IVF would be the time that finally they would have their miracle.  As a result of testing required by the infertility specialist, Guiliana found out that she has the early stages of Breast Cancer.  She is only 37.

Improvements and developments in the media and communication have increased the knowledge and awareness of breast cancer and most recently diagnosis  in younger women (those under the age of 40).  Public figures like Guiliana Rancic, are bringing about the awareness of Breast Cancer into the public eye.  Only now, with both her public struggles with infertility and now breast cancer are we seeing the pink ribbon of breast cancer and the teal ribbon of infertility awareness crossing.  Why haven't we seen this before?  Surely there were others who struggled with infertility and cancer!  Why are people more apt to talking about cancer but not about infertility?

Studies have shown that women with infertility are at an increased risk for breast cancer and ovarian cancers although it's unknown if it's related to decreased or increased hormonal levels or progesterone and estrogen levels.  Controversy still surrounds the risks of infertility medications and cancer as well.  With this knowledge, why haven't ribbons crossed earlier?  Because people aren't standing up and speaking about it.

There still seems to be an issue with individuals coming out about their struggle.  People tend not to want to talk about infertility.  But they will talk about their boobs.  So if the reason is embarrassment, wouldn't it be just as embarrassing to talk about your boobs and cancer in said body parts?  Possibly the cause of hesitation is because of a feeling of being flawed.  While cancer is not generally something that one is born with, many people believe that they were born with infertility, even when that isn't the case.  A man is more likely to stand up and talk about having testicular cancer but not to admitting to low sperm counts or erectile disfunction (no matter how many times a viagra commercial might make you try and think otherwise).

Why should we be embarrassed about our infertility?   Are we afraid of the comments that will be made if people knew?  Guess what?  They are already talking and making comments...what's the difference.  If we don't stand up and start talking about it we can't expect others to become aware and to stand up for us.  But its not just our infertility...its our overall health.  I found myself recently becoming so obsessed with things and overwhelmed with responsibilities and keeping myself busy that I ended up sick.  Severe tonsilities (with a possiblity of Strep...the cultures are yet to be finished...) has now left me speechless in talk but not in my written genre!

Take care of your health.  You are the only "you" that "you" have.

The Fear Factor

When I have the opportunity to be heading down the open road, I tend to think alot.  Yesterday, as I was traveling for work, I found myself thinking alot about my infertility journey.  Instantly a feeling of fear set over me...the kind that knots your stomach, makes you nauseated, and of which you can't shake.  What was the root of this fear?

The fear inside of me is that my biological clock is nearing its end.  The battery is running out.  The Big Ben inside of me will no longer ring.  The alarm won't snooze any longer.  Why I am feeling this way I am not sure.  Could it be that within 2 years I will be 40?  Could it be that no one in my family has conceived past the age of 36?  Could it be that I am seeing so many others that I travel this journey with also getting to this point where they are no longer able to hope for a child of their own but rather have to consider adoption as a possibility?  Yes...it's all of the above.

Fear, however, is something that we must face.  It's something that we must tackle head on.  Sure I can sit behind my computer and say that but I myself am struggling with that fear right now with nausea in my stomach and an extra twinge of pain that hits it when someone asks me my age.  Fear will remain with us no matter how hard we try to avoid or ignore it.  The old saying that the only thing to fear is fear itself is completely true.  I fear fear.  I fear thinking about the negative possibilities of my future as a mother to a natural child of my own.  I am an eternal pessimist.

How do we move beyond fear?  We puke, sleep, scream, and etc.  We do whatever it takes to push the fear out of our lives and we continue to breate.  If we allow fear to control our lives we end up not living at all but rather avoiding situations and people.  How is that living?  When we allow fear to control us we end up living in the pit of depression and sadness that infertility can bring about.

Lets tackle the fear together, you and I.  Continue to believe in miracles.

Define, Destroy, or Strengthen...which are you?

A friend of mine (and fellow infertile) used the following post on her Facebook account today which struck me as really deep and reflective.  It said:  "When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you."   Which do you choose?

As I sat and thought about that statement I realized how easy it would be to change that to say, "When Infertility happens, you have three choices:  you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you."  While we don't have the opportunity to choose infertility or even allowing it to happen to us, we don't have a choice in letting bad things happen to us either.  If we let it completely define us, we lose sense of what we have to offer and our entire life focuses around only the infertility and it's defining us.  If we let it destroy us, we are no better off and many times have lost things or people that were precious to us, not to mention we lose ourselves. We must let it strengthen us!  If we allow infertility to strengthen us it doesn't mean that we are going to let go of the issue altogether.  Rather, it helps us to find a new part of ourselves that we may have never otherwise encountered or come to know.

Infertility is a part of me, but it's not who I am or what I am.  Sure there are times I refer to myself in the sense as, "Yes, I am infertile," but it doesn't have to make up who I am.  I have a life outside just the infertility but I still can live the infertility 24/7 and it be a big part of me.   I am more than infertility.  I am a musician, an artist, a lover, an aunt, a daughter, a co-worker, and a teacher.  We have to find balance in our lives.  If we can find some sense of balance in our lives we can make it through even the toughest times.  That's not to say that I won't grieve, pout, be jealous, or even walk out of a room at the site of a baby or someone pregnant.  What it does mean is that I am open to the opportunity of growth in my life.  When we let it define and destroy us, we can never move beyond that hurt and the bitterness that accompanies it.  We must make sure that the yin and the yang are together and complete as one.

I chose to let infertility strengthen me.  Why?  Because the other options suck.  (Sorry...for the slang, but was there really any other option of a word?) When I started to let it define me in the past, I lost site of everything else in my life.  It nearly destroyed me.  My life was about nothing but infertility.  I had lost the balance.  I no longer did my artwork, played guitar,or even wrote. All I did was stare at infertility information, cried at the site of a baby, and felt hurt towards my husband because he didn't feel that same way I did....or at least he wasn't communicating it.  I couldn't live life knowing that I could lose everything for just the one thing I wanted more than anything.  I realized I needed a balance.

For me, the infertility struggle has strengthened me.  I have begun writing again.  Writing has always been a huge part of who I am and has been something I have always loved to do.  I found a new me in the writing and found it to be therapeutic.  A new me emerged!  I was now much stronger than ever before.  In reflection I looked back at the last 8 years and realized that even thought I really really wanted a child of my own, I was not completely ready in my life.  Would I have made myself ready? Sure.  I was just so caught up in the desire to have a child that I hadn't really made myself ready for the reality of a child.  We hadn't made "us" ready for a child.  The craziest thing is that I am okay with that.  I know I am more ready now than in the past, as is my husband.  When the time comes, I will know it was the right time. Until then I will have faith that it still is possible.  As I have said before, I won't stop believing in miracles.

So...when bad happens I chose to let it strengthen me?  How about you?

Courage

Courage as defined by Dictionary.com is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, pain, or danger, etc. without fear.  It also states that it focuses on the heart being the source of the emotion.  A couple of weeks ago, someone came up to me at an event and told me that it took a lot of courage to talk about the roller coaster of a ride that we call infertility.  I had never thought of what I was doing as courageous. 

Throughout my life I was always told that you were to deal with the hand that life dealt you and you were to accept that there was a reason for everything that happened in life.  As I have gotten older I have had such difficulty understanding why I got dealt the hand I got from life and also why things happen.  (While I would like to throw religion and faith into the discussion here, I know that others going through this too don't see it necessarily in that same way so I will refrain from religious talk for now.) Maybe today is one of those bad days I have talked about, but for some reason, I continue to think about this concept.  Why was I dealt the hand I was?  What am I supposed to do?  Wait around and just hope that I get a different hand sometime or do I fold and walk away?  Sometimes it would be easy to walk away, but even then, you remember that you walked away from something and you still continue to hurt and it still affects you.

Let me give you a visual picture to think about.  If you are not an infertile person, look at your life now.  Now look at your life without your children, spouse, partner, etc.  While you may at first think that your life would be different, and you'd be right, 9 out of 10 of you would realize that in your life you'd feel there was a large missing piece.  How do you continue on?  Courage.

So why can't I see myself as courageous?  Is it because I feel a slight bit of selfishness or guilt in my desire to have a child?  Why can't I just accept the hand I have been dealt in life?  Because I believe.  I believe that miracles do exist.   I believe that there is a higher power (darn...there goes not bringing faith and religion into the conversation...).  And most of all I believe that if that higher power  (aka, GOD to me...) is an epitome of complete love for his creation, then I have to believe that my God wouldn't allow my heart to hurt for my entire lifetime.

I may be courageous for finally standing up and speaking out about infertility and raising awareness, but it takes more courage to live the life of an infertile woman.  Couple who deal with infertility have a greater strain on their relationships than most.  Not only do they deal with the struggles of not being able to conceive naturally or for some at all, but they are faced with the financial difficulties that occur when they are going through treatment after treatment.  It does take courage to stand up to people who criticize you when you speak about the cost and struggles with infertility treatments.  Especially when they say things like, "If you can't afford this how are you going to afford having a child?"  or "This is God punishing you for something you must have done wrong."  It takes courage to stand in a room and see friend after friend or family member after family member announcing their pregnancy...especially when they follow it up with the phrase:  "we weren't even really trying."  It takes courage to walk into the grocery store, dollar store, or pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test every time you have to take a test (or because the "monthly visitor" has yet to rear her ugly head), knowing the likelihood you will see two lines is slim and yet have the cashier look at you and offer a "congratulations...do you think you are pregnant?"

I can't call myself courageous even though I walk this walk.  I can only see myself as an advocate and someone struggling with infertility.  While I thank the person who offered my the compliment of "being courageous," I impose this charge to everyone reading this:  don't sit back and only read this.  Be courageous for those like me.  Stand up and be an advocate.  Only through more people spreading the word about infertility awareness will we get the word out and differences be made. 

I don't know if I make that much of a difference with this simple blog, but I promise to not stop writing.  Not until there are more people standing up and speaking out and making a difference.  We have the opportunity to make a difference.  If not you, then who?

Are you there God? It's me....

The sun was shining through the windows of the motherhouse chapel at the Ancilla Domini Convent, a place I knew well from my time as a Sister with the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ.  As the sun shown through that stained glass window adorning the south side of the sanctuary wall, the light ever so brightly shone on two items on the all wood alter; the right hand of the Angel Gabriel  pointing to Mary the mother of Jesus and on Mary arms as she crossed them over her heart.  As I knelt there, witnessing this almost visionary moment, I was struck with the story of the visitation in the Bible.  For those of you who are Catholic or read the bible may recall the story of the visitation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary to tell her that God wants her to bear his son.  Mary's response?  Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.  Be it done to me according to His will.  With my eyes still fixated on the statues raised high up on the altar I couldn't help but feel a bit of  jealousy towards Mary, the mother of Christ.  Not because I wanted to be the Mother of Christ.  Rather, I was jealous of her opportunity to be a mother.

Religion or choice there of doesn't affect ones fertility.  Just because I am Catholic, it doesn't mean I am closer to God and therefore less likely to be infertile.  What religion does is that it give us direction and support in dealing with our infertility through programs, etc.  However, it is our sense of spirituality that helps us make it through the times that are the most difficult.  A study (by Domer, Penzia, et al) even showed that in an evaluation of 200 infertile women, high levels or religiosity and spirituality were significantly correlated with low levels of psychological distress.

What I do find, is that I many times associate God with the reason for my infertility.  I know that I haven't done anything wrong to cause my infertility, so who can I blame?  My sense of spirituality helps my to be angry and God and to place blame on God.  What I have learned, is that God is okay with that.  God wants me to lean on him and seek his help.  It's not why I experience the infertility.  I highly doubt God would cause the one in order to have the other.  Rather, because I am human it exists and it is a possibility.  We can not assume that just because we have a belief in God or some sense of Religion that everything would be okay.  This isn't heaven.  This is Earth.

Everyday I find myself praying. I pray for my family.  I pray for others.  I pray to become a mother.  I know that prayer works.  14 years ago, as I prepared to leave the convent, I prayed to meet my husband.   I literally, everyday, prayed to find the man that I would spend the rest of my life with who shared the same faith and values as I did.  Within a month after leaving the convent I met Jeff.  5 Years later we married.  Now, please note that while I prayed for this, God made sure it was in his time, not my time. The same is with our fertility/infertility.

While for many this post is anything but comforting.  I didn't write it to only be a comfort or a blame for what we experience.  And I didn't write it as the answer to our infertility.  Rather, I wrote it to help others have a starting point.  So many of us feel alone, confused, hurt, etc., as we deal with our infertility.  Spirituality can give you some support and a lot less of a feeling of being alone.  It all depends on how we choose to use it.

There is a reason I wear a wristband that says "Believe in Miracles."  I wear it because it reminds me I am not alone in this journey.  It reminds me to depend on others and on God to help me through each day. It reminds me that I do believe that miracles can happen.  While sometimes I may wake up and wonder if my higher power, my God, is there,  I know that He is.  I just need to do my part and not stop believing.  If you are dealing with infertility and need some support, spirituality can help. 

Remember...don't stop believing in miracles.

(For any of my friends reading this post today, I apologize if I am not covering anything but Catholicism/Christianity.  Spirituality and Infertility is more complex then the amount of information which I can cover on this post today. I currently am in the process of writing a more thorough book on the subject of Spirituality and Infertility in which I will be covering various religions as well as what spirituality is.)

Change?

His bright blues eyes stared back at me.  As he smiled, I could feel myself smile too.  With his tender hand in mine, I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb.  For the first time in a very long time I found myself not aching inside.  Here in my arms was a 7 week old little boy.  A total stranger.  A young mother who came into our office to schedule an appointment had brought in her little newborn with her.  With her hands full, she asked me if I'd like to hold him as he had been smiling at me and "cooing." 

"He likes you," she said.

"Thank you.  Sure...I'd love to hold him. I love babies."  What was I saying?!?  Was I crazy?  Even the smell of a child would normally bring that intense aching and almost a feeling of anxiety about my infertility rushing into my heart and stomach.  I would even get dizzy and lightheaded at the site of one.  But for some reason, today was different.  Something had changed.  This time I found myself longing to hold this little one in my arms...if even for one second.  No, I wasn't planning some baby heist or even giving up.  Something had definitely changed in me.

As many of you may have read my last post last week, I was preparing to attend my 20 year class reunion.  Nervousness, fear, and anxiety plagued my thoughts and actions.  I planned on going in there and being strong as people flashed pictures of their children.  Instead, something different and unexpected happened.  I didn't have to try to be strong.  The support was immense.  Classmates came up to me not to show me pictures of their kids, but rather to tell me that they were reading my blog and that they enjoyed it and thought it was good.  Then they did something I never imagined.  They asked questions.  Now, these weren't the types of questions like, "Have you thought about adoption," or anything of that nature.  Rather, they dialogued and offered support.  They listened.  They had changed.  More so, I had changed.

Infertility sucks.  Plain and simple.  What I have learned about myself and this journey of infertility is that I am not alone in it.  If I open up to seeing the support that others out there are willing to give, it makes this journey a little easier to walk.  Society isn't out there to intentionally hurt those of us struggling with infertility.  Rather, it provides for a diverse arena for living.  People are the ones who hurt other people. Not society.  Sure there may be commercial after commercial for baby diapers or formula plastered in the middle of the day on TV and almost everywhere we look almost everything is geared towards families.  We as individuals have an opportunity to change how we perceive something.

Last month when that Breast Cancer awareness joke came around and I posted about it and how it affected me and others that I share this journey with, some of my friends quickly took it off their Facebook account and showed support to me and others.  If we expect others to always change for us, without providing change in ourselves, we are not truly growing.  Rather we are staying stagnant and are likely to become bitter individuals.  I was reminded by a classmate this weekend that this reunion was the true marker for if people would stay the way they were in high school or if they would change.  There were some who were truly snarkie and never even said "boo" to me unless I was the one to go and greet them first and even then the only words they spoke to me were "hi.".  Then there were the ones who not only changed into better people, but came up to me as soon as they saw me and said, "It's great to see you.  I am glad you came."  Clearly, change was good.

My lack of aching in my heart and womb was not because I no longer felt the longing to have a child of my own.  Rather, the lack of aching was because I realized that the feelings I was holding inside were actually alienating me from my true instincts to be a mother.  I had begun to forget what it felt like to hold a baby in my arms or how they smelled.  I had pushed myself away for fear of the hurt inside and for the fear that it would hurt too much. Likewise, I had held my infertility journey in for so long because I felt that to talk about it would hurt to much.  Instead, when asked this weekend about this journey, I opened up and talked about it, answering openly and honestly anything they asked.  It not only changed them, but it changed me. 

For all my infertile friends I give you one piece of advice:  Don't give up on others completely.  There may be people you have to de-friend but remember that you are not alone and there are others out there who have changed and will walk this with you.  Most importantly, you have to be willing to change. I found that out this weekend.  Not everyday is going to be easy but we just need to keep taking it a day at a time.

For all my fertile friends here supporting me I'd like to say one thing:  Thank you.  Thank you for walking with me on my journey and never giving up on me. 

My journey is not over.  I am not yet a mother.  I still hope to be someday.  I'll never stop believing in miracles.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

My palms are sweaty.  I'm a bit lightheaded just thinking about it.  I can't find a thing to wear amidst the 10 thousand things I have in my closet and dresser drawer. I am even going and working out this afternoon till I can't stand anymore in hopes that those extra 20 lbs I wanted to lose would drop off miraculously.  Yeah...that means its time for my high school class reunion.  But it's not just any class reunion...it's my 20 year class reunion. 

Some days I find it hard to believe that I have been out of high school for 20 years already.  They say (even though I still haven't figured out who "they" is...) that your high school years are the best years of your life.  Well, when I figure out who "they" is, I plan on showing "them" what my high school was like.  I was one of two things at any time.  I was either invisible or bullied.    Bullying didn't have to be words back then only.  It could be glances, sneers, comments overheard, etc.   You were placed in one of several groups:  the preppies, the heavy metal rockers, the jocks, the nerds, or the nobodies.   I was a nobody. There were times I wanted to die.  There were times I wanted to run away.  But then there were also times that weren't so bad.  Either way, I didn't always feel I fit in with everyone.  I had to work hard to make friends, and yet what few friends from my high school that I did "hang" out with, I don't even have that kind of connection with now.  My self esteem sucked to say the least and I didn't like myself or my body.  As a youth, my parents had convinced us that what goes around comes around so I had told myself that when I got older, things would be okay...that I would have a great life and be better off than I was when I was a teenager.  I had this idea that I would have a ton of really awesome friends, a great body, the perfect family, the beautiful house and lots of money. 

The way my life has turned out has not exactly been what I had envisioned.  My body?  Yeah...definitely no where near great.  Not even mediocre or fair.  And while I have quite a few awesome friends, (at least 412 according to Facebook...) I really feel only real close to only a couple handfuls of people.  My house is, well, in the ghetto in South Bend and while its not a total mess, we constantly have things in need of repair.  I work in the social work and health field so obviously I don't make the big bucks.  Regardless of the friends, the house, or the money, I would be totally content if only I could have the family.  Not even the perfect family...just a family.

As I think towards the events of this weekend, I can't help but think about being placed in a "group" again: the childless.   High school reunions are about being able to see people that you haven't seen in years in order to catch up and about being able to show how far you have come in your life.  For some of my classmates, they will have children in high school (or for a couple, a little older yet).  Some will even have newborns.  I will be in the "married for awhile and still childless" group.  While others are showing pictures on their iphones and droids of their kids, what will I have to show?  Nothing.  Not too many people get as excited about seeing pictures of our two dogs as we may be proud of showing them.  

So...some of you will say, "Why go then?"   And here is my answer:  I have come far.  I may not be a top attorney or a doctor, have the half a million dollar house or the money to go with it, or even have the body of a model or top athlete.  And for sure I don't have the perfect family.  Why would I want to put myself throughout his emotional roller coaster?  Sure I could make up some amazing story of having invented something like the post-it note.  (okay...not really.  But do you like the reference to the movie Michelle and Romy's high school reunion there?)  But with the invention of the social media sites like Facebook, anyone who has internet access can see I am just an average person. 

Why I am going is because I don't want to let infertility be my bully and keep me from being proud of how far I have come in my life.  I may not have the body of a model or even fairly good looking, but I am me and I know what I have gone through in my life to get where I am now.  I may not have the best house in the world, but in today's economy I am happy to have a roof over our head and to not be on the verge of foreclosure as so many are.  I may not have a lot of money, but somehow the bills (well..most of them) get paid every month and we haven't starved yet.  I may not have tons of friends, but the close friends I do have, I know would be there in an instant if I needed them.  While I don't have the perfect family, I have a husband who supports me enough to be by my side this entire weekend...even through the dreaded high school building tour!  We may not have children, but I won't let that get me down this weekend.  It may be hard and at times I might feel the jealousy towards others who have their perfect family with the 1.2 kids.  I know that I am no longer a nobody.

What goes around doesn't always come around.  I am okay with that.  I can't live my life thinking how unfair it is.  I am the only one who can make a difference in how I see my life.  And I see that no matter what, I am not giving up hope.  Bring on the pictures.  I will survive.

For Only One Moment; A letter to my child

Over the last several days I found it difficult to sit and write on this blog.  There was something running through my head like a thoroughbred on race day.  No matter what I did I couldn't get it out of my mind...I couldn't let it go.  A few weeks ago I had dreams about either being pregnant or of giving birth.  They were bittersweet dreams and I had them everynight over the series of two weeks.  But now they were gone.  While they made me feel sad when I would be awake or once I would realize it was only a dream, at least I could feel for that short time like I was going to be a mom...like my dreams were coming true.  I find myself missing them now that the dreams are gone.  Now, instead of having the dreams of having a child, I found myself wondering what I would say to my child if I could hold him or her in my arms for even just one moment. 

The thoughts kept me awake at night, until finally I sat down with my pen and paper and wrote the letter that I hope to someday be able to burn as I hold a child of my own in my arms.  My hope is that it brings comfort to others going through infertility and leads those not struggling with infertility to hug their child(ren) a little longer tonight and thank God for the precious gift they are.

My dearest child;

If only for one moment I could hold you in my arms.  If only for one moment I could stroke your soft, tender cheeks, wipe away any tears from your eyes, and provide you the comfort only a mother could.  If only for one moment I could share with you everything life could be and would be..the good and the bad...the easy and the difficult.

If only for one moment I could feel you stir within me I would speak to you and let you know that I would always keep you safe.  If only for one moment I could look into your eyes, and you into mine, you would know the intensity of my love for you.  If only for one moment I could feel you hold onto my fingers, I would never let go.

If only for one moment, you were here with me, I would teach you to love, respect, cherish, and be not afraid. I would show you how to build a fort, have a tea party, plays sports, make a meal. I would show you that I know nothing about fashion but everything about saving a dollar.  I would hold the back of your bike as you learned how to ride but let go as I know you must make mistakes on your own.  If only for one moment you were here with me, I would show you that even though your heart gets broken, I will be always be there to stay up all night and help you through it.  If for only one moment, I could hear you call me mom.

My dearest child, I have loved you even before I have met you.  But for this moment, I dream of what life would be like with you in it because right now I only know what life is like without you.  For only one moment I sit back and dream that I don't have to be sad that you won't be being born because of things out of my control.  For only only moment, I hold you in my arms...in my dreams.

Mommy.

Believe in Miracles Wristbands

Due to the popularity of the post about the "Believe the Miracles" wristbands, they are now available for order.  If you are interested, please email your address and how many you are requesting to mylifewithscrambledeggs.hotmail.com.  Wristbands are $2 each plus shipping (which will be determined based on the amount of wristbands ordered.)  Note that I make no profit off these wristbands as the cost goes to ordering more wristbands in order to further Infertility Awareness.

Grieving Dreams

Dreams.  What are they?  And why am I talking about grieving them?  For me, even the word "dream" means many things.  A dream can be defined as that state of rapid eye movement in sleep when your brain activity is high and in which we have a connection with our subconscious.  They can also be defined as that vision that we have for our future or usually a goal we hope to someday achieve.  The necessity of grieving involves both...especially for someone dealing with infertility.

Grieving our sleep dreams.  One of the inevitables in life is sleep.  We need sleep to rejuvenate us mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Sleep is often likened to the charging of a car battery.  Without that charge, the battery would eventually die and cease the rest of the vehicle from functioning.  So too are our bodies.  During our sleep we tend to dream.  Some of us unfortunate ones tend to be able to remember our dreams detail for detail while some individuals rarely even remember that they dreamt.  As a person who remembers dreams detail for detail, there have been times that my dreams have including times where I was either pregnant or had a baby in my arms that was mine.  I have even dreamt that I was a mom to three unique and beautiful children.  In that dream, they even called me mom.  It is these dreams I have to be willing to grieve.

To dream about having something in your life that you so desperately want and waking up from that dream to realize it wasn't real, can affect your mood the rest of the day.  I have woke from wonderful dreams such as the ones I mentioned above and felt both excited about the feelings the dreams gave me yet saddened and even a bit depressed that they weren't real and touchable dreams.  In a way, the saddness and depression experienced is a form of grieving the fact that the dream isn't real.  It's important that we allow ourselves this.  Without the opportunity to grieve and allowing ourselves this, we risk becoming very bitter individuals.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life.  My sleep time is precious when I am fortunate to get to be able to sleep for a period of time.  However, I found myself not wanting to go to bed  at night after having the dreams about being pregnant or having children.  While initially I when I awoke those mornings all I wanted to do was sleep again per chance to dream, I found that at night I wanted not to sleep because I didn't know if I could handle the emotions I had felt earlier in the day if I would have one of those dreams again that night.  I needed to fully grieve those dreams in order to let it go and get the sleep my body needed and was requiring. 

Grieving our dreams of the future.  The hardest dreams for me to grieve are the dreams of the future.  For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to have a child of my own.  As a young girl and even into adulthood I have thought about and decided on the names of my children, how many I wanted, and how I would raise them.  Not just how I would raise them but the things I would say to them.  These were dreams no different than the person who dreams about what their career, spouse or wedding is going to be like.  Dreams are important and they give us something to shoot towards.  Our goals are often based on our dreams and what we want to accomplish with our life.  Unlike a sleep dream where we can wake up from and somewhat control, dreams of our future can not be completely controlled.  Things just don't always go the way we want them in the time that we want them.  My dreams of being a mom by a certain age weren't able to be controlled by me.  I tried everything I could to make it possible, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, even to become a mother isn't something I can control.  It's not that I am a control freek, but with goals, you want to be able to reach them when you work hard for them.

Why do I need to grieve these kinds of dreams?  If I can not grieve the dreams that have not come, I can not be open for new dreams or to be able to modify  the original dreams.  If I can not grieve that I am infertile and unable to conceive on my own, I can not be open enough to adoption as a possiblity.  If I become bitter about not being able to have my own child, how would I be able to be a good mother to a child of someone else's. 

I grieved this dream of becoming a mother when a few days ago I had to go into the room in our house that I had prepared to be a nursery.  During our first rounds of fertility treatments several years ago I painted the bedroom and had placed all the Winnie the Pooh items (I had collected over the years) in strategic spots.  Whether we had a boy or a girl the room would be the hundred acre woods from the adventues of Winnie the Pooh.  I had envisioned in my head where the crib, changing table and rocking chair would be.  Those dreams have only ever been able to stay in my head.  As year after year has passed with no pregnancy or child to fill that room, junk and other items began filling that room instead and before I knew it I couldn't even handle having the door open.  Having the door open reminded me with every glance of the baby items in there that I couldn't conceive.  It was time to take it all down as we decided that not being able to use that room was wasted space in our house and the light that came into the rest of the house with the door open was needed.  I took a large tote into the room and one by one the Winnie the Pooh items came down.  First the collection of Winnie the Pooh beanie babies (including Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger, etc.)  Then the 6 large Pooh bears sporting different outfits given to me by a family member, then all the music boxes, snow globes, russian dolls, wall hanging, wooden calendar, blankets, etc.  As I carried the now full tote to our basement to store I could barely see the steps .  It was much harder than I had thought originally to put it all away.  I think I cried for half of that day.  But I needed to grieve this.  Now as I walk into that room and the new couch bed and the empty shelf tops I don't feel the pain as strong, although it still exists.  I know that I can go in this room now and sit and read and not be reminded non stop of what I can't be. 

Grief's toll.  Grief, whether related to infertility or for any other reason, is valid emotion.  While everyone grieves in a different way, it is important to grieve.  Commonly, people will deal with grief through physical symptoms such as lack of energy, irritability, headaches, insomnia, extreme sadness and even the inability to concentrate.  Anger, denial, shock, numbness, and guilt and shame are common steps people dealing with grief may go through.  Whether you have lost a child to misscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or even the inability to conceive, those grieving will experiance all sorts of ups and downs. If you are not a person dealing with infertility (personally) and you are reading this I ask of one thing of you: compassion.   The grieving process is not something one can just "get over."

Paying attention to grief ends its ability to control you.  Allow yourself to grieve your dreams and don't be afraid to seek help.  It's something I have the hardest time doing but that I am trying to be better at.  You aren't going through this alone.  I am walking right beside you on this journey. 

Believe in Miracles.

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex.  Whoopie.  Nookie.  Bang.  Laid.  Whatever you call the act of sexual intercourse, generally the one thing that infertile couples have difficulty calling the act is "making love."  Couples experiencing infertility and going through infertility treatments often deal with a more regimented, technical and scheduled sex life.  The much wanted much more happier event of making love, once experienced in our early relationship, has gone by the wayside for the technical, "this is my only window of hope to make a baby," technical and many times non-passion filled moments to what I refer to as "sex."

Growing up as a Catholic, it was ingrained into my head that the act of sexual intercourse was meant predominately for procreation.  When you can't conceive, where does that leave you?Sex in my opinion is less about the mental and emotional need that we as sexual beings need in our life and more about a biological experience.  Sure, sex can make you still feel a little bit of something, but only when it isn't the means to an end.  In other words, if I am having sex with my partner just for the idea of conception and we are working together to time it, the underlying pressure can leave you feeling cold and regimented inside.   When the act involves a greater physical connection...the kind that leaves you breathing heavy and remembering all day how wonderful it felt to be so connected to your partner, that is "making love."  What has happened to this in our lives?  Why does this feel so non-existent?

Infertility grabs hold and doesn't let go.  While it may be our ovaries, eggs, or uterus that keeps us from conceiving, infertility doesn't just affect that part of our body.  Infertile couples often deal with depression and other issues which in turn affects our ability to communicate and connect with our partners in any way sexually other than technically and scheduled.  It's not uncommon for infertile couples, if not on the same page and working together towards the same goal at 100% to have problems within their marriage.  The number one culprit is the communication.  As I sat down preparing to write this post, my husband and I reminisced back to the days of our early fertility treatments back 7 years ago.  Chlomid left me moody and irritated most of the time which often led me to yelling and arguing with my husband one moment and then having to jump into bed together the next because of the window of opportunity closing up quickly that month. My husband claimed that I had "baby brain" which is the occurrence when you can't think about anything else in your life but trying to have a baby.  We began not speaking to each other out of fear or frustration with what we perceived was the others motives for the sex.  I'll never forget my husband saying to me that he felt I was just trying to use him as a sperm donor. We were becoming individuals, not on the same page, becoming resentful towards each other.  What had happened to us?  Had we lost that "loving feeling" like they talk about in the song of that same title? (You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips....) 

How do we continue forging forward and save not just our marriages but our sanity?  Spontaneity.  My husband and I realized over the last 8 years of dealing with our infertility that we need to remember to remain connected.  Instead of just having sex, we work towards the times of spontaneous, unplanned love making.  How does this happen when you know that you may miss that window of opportunity for conceiving?  We still chart but we don't always talk about how we "have to have sex" anymore.  We bring foreplay back into the picture.  Sometimes we just get plain silly and laugh and flirt.  And we remember what brought us together and what helped us fall in love with each other.

Has this helped me get pregnant? Nope.  But it has saved a marriage that was on a path to becoming bitter and disconnected.  Who knows what would have happened had we not started taking this approach.  We communicate more now.  We connect more now.  We make love more now.  What would it mean to have a child and not have my husband there with me?  It wouldn't be the same.

True love making and that connected feeling also increases the endorphins in your body and improves mood.   Sometimes it is the difference between having a good and a bad day.  When my husband and I were scheduling the sex in our lives, I often found myself emotionally drained and in tears of sadness and depression afterwards.  I would much rather have a good day of thinking back to that love making rather than a day filled with sadness thinking the "what if" question of whether we finally conceived a child and the berating I did to myself thinking that I am a flawed person.

This post is probably not what you anticipated. Sex is so taboo.  Making love should not be.  If you are an individual suffering through infertility, take time over this next week to do something spontaneous with your partner.  Enjoy a "nooner" spontaneously instead of planned.  Flirt at the dinner table with your partner. Make love somewhere other than in your bed.  Have passion in your life once again.  Be spontaneous.    You deserve it.

A Time to laugh...A Time to Cry

Whether you have read in the Bible the book of Ecclesiastes or listened to the song, Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds, we have been told that there is a time for everything.  One of the phrases that often comes to mind for me is "a time to laugh, a time to weep."  For a woman dealing with infertility and on treatments, those times may often intercede each other on a frequent basis.  Heck, there are times through fertility treatment after treatment that I am sure my husband thought I had more personalities coming out at one time than Sybil.  (Ok...yeah..that dates me with that reference.)

Today's blog is about a time to laugh and cry.  For some, we will laugh and cry at the same time, thinking back (and probably for some it was just a day ago) at our own times of craziness and mood changes.  Some of us will cry remembering how difficult those times were. And for those who have never had to deal with infertility but read this out of support for us I have one thing to say:  Be afraid...be very afraid!  (lol!) 

I chose to be a little humorous today as they say that sometimes laughter is the best medicine.  And today I needed that medicine bright and early!  Recently at a small family event, I was face to face with a couple people whom I had defriended on my Facebook related to the whole "joke" post that was going around.  These people were supposed to care about me.  Instead they criticized me for being sensitive to my and others' infertility struggles.  At this recent event, they brought an 8 month old child of a friend of theirs with them.  During the course of the evening, at one point they came to my husband and I and asked if we wanted to hold this child.  This child who had no relation to our family.  This child that I would have no connection to after that moment.  Of course not!  And it wasn't their child.  They knew we would be there.  We felt it a personal attack against us.  They were rubbing in the fact that I couldn't have a child.  Here they were pretending to be "mommy and daddy" to this little one, flaunting her in front of my husband and I.  Even another family member felt they had done it for the same reasons as I had.  In light of it all, it was a time to laugh and a time to cry moment.

Had I not started standing up for the struggle I deal with daily, I may not have garnished the strength to make it through that event.  I may have left in tears as I had done in the past at events like this.  Instead, I remembered the "Believe in Miracles" bracelet that I wear now all the time and I remember that I am not aloe in this struggle and I continued on.  I actually laughed about it on the way home that night.  Ok...it was a sinister laugh (ha ha ha ha) but it was a laugh none the less.   I wasn't about to let them get me down this time.  While there were still tears coming from my heart inside, I was a stronger person.  I made it through.  I shouldn't have to be faced with these kinds of insensitive events in my life, but realistically I know that I can't avoid every one of them and I will be faced with laugh and cry moments.

So bring on the humor you say?  Yeah...that was a cry moment as I thought back to that event.  But we need some humor.  So I ran across a couple of jokes the other day and while some are probably not the most politically correct, they had me laughing almost to the point of tears.  So, I decided to post a few of them.  For some of you reading this, the jokes may not make sense...just bear with it.  If you tell the joke and someone gets it, even without saying you will know they deal with infertility and trying to get pregnant.  So here they go:

--How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Screw in a light bulb!  Hmmm...do you think it might help?

--How does an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) like his eggs?  Over 20mm!

--You know you deal with infertility if :

• Someone asks you the date and you reply, "Day 21."
• If you've ever counted 1,2,3 after sex followed by throwing your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
• If you wake up and the first thing you reach for is not your morning cup of coffee but a thermometer.
• If you've put your feet in stirrups more times than you've had sex in one week.
• If you find it perfectly normal to pee on a stick, stick it in a machine and wait to be told if your husband/partner is definitely going to get lucky that night.
• If you refer to events in DPO's (Days past ovulation for those not familiar with the term.)
• If the word cycling has nothing to do with a bike!
• If you have ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries and considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was "inhospitable."  (okay...yes...I do the conversation part.  Commence laughing...)
• If you've ever gotten up by 7 a.m. on a football weekend to do a shot and it wasn't of the alcoholic variety.
• If you seriously consider using the ultrasound pictures of your ovaries and follicles for your Christmas card picture this year.
• If foreplay consists of your husband asking, "How is your cervical mucus today?"
• If reaching the big "O" doesn't stand for orgasm anymore.

These are just a few of the ones I found out there as I was looking for humor.  Seriously, I laughed my butt off on a few out there....ones that I am sure my fertile friends will look at and with a quizzical look in their eyes go, "Huh?"

Remember, there is a time to laugh, a time to cry.  A time to be born, and a time to die.  For everything there is a purpose under heaven.  This purpose may not be easy.  But as we struggle with our infertility, may we not lose hope that for everything we go through, we must experience the opposite as well.   For experiencing the infertility, may we be blessed with fertility in some way.  I can't help think that this will be.  Gotta keep believing in miracles.

 

Don't Stop Believing

New Years Day this past year is a day I will never forget.  Tired of the culmination of all the fertility failures we have had I was at the end of my rope.  I was ready to give up hope.  I remember spending the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, feeling truly overwhelmed with the notion that I would never be able to have a child of my own.  I sat looking at the ground and not being able to gain interest in anything that day.  As I was moving things around to cover up with a blanket and sit sulking and depressed on the living room couch I grabbed a book I had received as a Christmas present.  As I moved it, it fell open to a page where my eyes instantly caught the first lines of a prayer. "(Lord,) In all that I do and all that happens, let me never lose hope." 

While those words had been on that page for the prior week that I had owned the book, I had never opened it.  As I read those words I felt an inner peace and I began to cry tears of peace and gratitude.  It built in me a strength that I had yet known what to do with.  That strength and fight stayed in me, bottled up inside, until I had found the path in which to release it...this blog.  Have you ever felt an excitement so great that you couldn't contain it any longer?  That is what this felt like.  Yet, the excitement I felt I still knew would not help me physically produce a child.  Rather, I knew that the strength I had would get me through the days ahead.

I am not the first in my family to deal with infertility.  While one of my siblings who also dealt with infertility was finally pregnant after over 8 years or trying and fertility treatments, my family showed her support through the wearing of a silicone bracelet that the March of Dimes had been selling.  Again during her second pregnancy we did the same.  Those silicone bracelets, out and sold for almost every cause, serve as a reminder for the person struggling to not lose hope...to never give up...as well, it has garnished financial support for some causes.    After reading that line of that prayer, instantly the words, "Believe in Miracles" came to mind and no matter what I did, I kept hearing that phrase in my head.  Like a song that you can't get out of your head, this phrase would not leave.  My solution: imprint it on a silicone bracelet so that I never forget it. (Thus, the creation of the bracelet you see pictured on this blog.)  After creating the bracelet, I ordered just a handful so that if one would break, there would be more to put on.  My dad, having seen me wearing one on a visit to their home one day asked me about it.  As I told him the story he asked me if I had an extra one that he could wear. Soon, a few others in my life were asking for them so that they could show support as well. 

Months went on with me wearing it.  In May, I had to have surgery on my foot  but was required to take off all jewelry...including the BiM bracelet.  For some reason, after the surgery I never put them back on.  And soon I was back down on the spiraled path to depression.  Fourth of July and a family wedding this year where almost every relative our age had children topped off the lowest part of my life.  At times we felt totally invisible...even to my in-laws who were consumed with a grandchild they only see several times a year.  We were left to fend for ourselves.  I felt again like a failure.  Where was this hope that only a few months prior I still had?  Where was this strength?

Recently I was reminded, in a visit to my parents house, that while I may have given up hope for a time that there were others out there still supporting me, praying for me, and thinking of me.  What was the trigger?  My dad still wearing the bracelet.  He has never taken it off.  He was wearing it for me.  He was praying for me.  I was not alone.  I never was.

During the most difficult times that I was experiencing  I know that there have been others out there supporting me and there for me, even if at the time I realized it or not.  I have been fortunate to have a support group (the group on Facebook..) who I have been given support from on a daily basis.  Yes...infertility is a 24/7 issue for me.  It's good to know that 24/7 someone is there for me.

I wrote this today, not seeking people to come forward and tell me they are supporting me but rather as a story that some I know will be able to relate to and for others to read and be awakened to the challenges of what those of us dealing with infertility go through daily.  I know that I can't stop believing that someday I will be a mom.  I have people around me who won't let me.  They may not be able to say it, but the outward sign, like the bracelet, reminds me of this.  In all that I do and in all that happens, I WILL NEVER lose hope.  I will believe in miracles.

I am reminded of this today as I look down at the bracelet back on my wrist.

Somewhere Only We Know

I once read that infertility is the mirror image of mourning.  One starts with a death, the other ends with a birth.  For many woman the infertility never ends and the mourning continues on.  Sometimes what is said or done can affect an infertile woman's mood at the drop of a dime.  (I hate bringing it back up again but...) The joke that went across facebook became the straw in the infertile woman's cap and triggered several of us to stand up for our feelings and the insensitivity's of society.  Today's blog hopefully will help those interested in being of greater support for those dealing with infertility in their lives.

Let's start off by looking at the numbers.  1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility.  Even though when a baby girl is born she is born with a million eggs, by puberty she has already dwindled down to only 300,000 eggs.  From this, only around 300 eggs will mature and release through ovulation.  A woman's chances getting pregnant then also decrease with age.  A slow fertility decline starts in our 20's and rapidly declines by the time we hit our 40's.  A healthy 30 year old woman (and note the term healthy...) who is trying to conceive has only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month.  By age 40 that number has shrunk to 5%.  Likewise, the rate of miscarriage also is higher if a woman is her 30's as well as the chance of a child being born with an abnormality.   Likewise, 4 to10% of women, like myself, suffer from Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don't know about you, but every time I read a new fertility statistic, my biological clock dings louder than Big Ben through a microphone!

As well as the lower possibility of getting pregnant naturally, even forms of assisted reproductive technology (ART) are affected by age.  According to the CDC, in 2009, the ART cycles that lead to live births was only 41% for women under the age of 35, 32% for women ages 35-27, 22% for women ages 38-40, 12% for women aged 41-42, and only 5% for women aged 43-44.  And that's with someone scientifically assisting the process!  Of the 148,055 cycles of ART performed in the US in 2008, only 46,326 produced live births.  This is only a 31% success rate. 

Some women, due to their religions can not even consider forms of ART.  The Catholic Church, which is the religion I was brought up in, believes that ART goes against the teachings of Christ and the church.  Strong staunch Catholics (like my husband) then are left without ART as an option and this reduces the likelihood that we would be able to have a natural child of our own even more.

How do I help?  This was a question raised by a friend of mine as I started writing this blog and after the aftermath of the Facebook joke.  That sentence was like having someone hold my hand through a horrible procedure.  The comfort it provided holds me strong to this day.  So the question is, what can you do or say to help?   First off, an infertile woman, like myself, deals with various hormonal levels that we can't control.  Something is wrong in our body and we don't know if what is said will trigger a negative or positive response.  There are a few things said that will send us off reeling no matter what or how it is said.  We will get to those in a minute. 

DO:  What you can do is offer to go to lunch with your infertile friend, or even a movie (and might I suggest you ask them what movie they want to see as some movies will trigger an episode of tears if it deals with children, etc.).  Do offer comfort and say, : "I am praying for you," or " I am sorry about what you are going through.  I can't imagine how hard that must be," and "I am here for you."  Do offer to listen.  Sure, it may seem like we are complaining all the time, but we have good reason.  Some of us take medications that cause us horrible side effects with everything occurring from nausea, bloating, and diarrhea to sleepiness, sleeplessness, bruising and major mood swings.  Sometimes people want to help but don't know what to say because there are no words that will take the pain truly away that we are going through.  Sometimes just saying, "I'm here to listen without judgement or advice as this is something I have never gone through, but I want to support you."  Do offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen with and hand to hold.  Sometimes these are the most important things we need.

DON'T:   Obviously this list will be pretty long.  Many of us have been going through this for a long time.  This list will almost read like the ABC's.  The first area is ADOPTION.  Many of us have been dealing with this long enough that we have thought of adoption as an option.  Regardless of if we have or not, do not say, "Why don't you just adopt," "You can always adopt," or "Have you thought of adoption?"  Adoption is not as easy as everyone thinks it is.  The route of adoption can be very expensive and time consuming.  If every person who conceived naturally had to go through this route to even keep their own child, many would fail.  On the other side of it, many infertile couples want a child of their own flesh and blood.  It makes it difficult.  As many positive stories or adoption you hear there are just as many horror stories.

Do not baby brag or complain to an infertile woman.  What is baby bragging?  It's when a pregnant woman brags all over the Internet about her baby bump, or when a mother brags about the next thing her newborn has done.  Likewise, don't complain about how difficult it is.  An infertile woman who longs to have a child longs to have all the bad and the good.  It doesn't mean that you aren't validated for the struggle you are going through, but this is one trigger that I hear most often.

Do not deny a woman dealing with infertility her feelings.  Even if they have been able to get pregnant but have had miscarriage after miscarriage, it doesn't mean they can easily get pregnant.  They are still considered infertile.  Some may have only been able to have one child and never be able to conceive again.

The next "do not" involves God.  Do not say to a woman, "God has a different plan for you," "God doesn't want you to have a baby," or "God must be punishing you for something that you did wrong."  I highly doubt that women have miscarried or not gotten pregnant because of their choice of faith. When someone speaks in this way I often want to pop back up with the response:  "So, when did you become God," or "when did God reveal to you this revelation and ask you to pass it my way." Please don't tell them to do a novena, become a better, Catholic, christian, Lutheran, or whatever religion they are and then maybe God will give them a child. It is probably one of the best way to get an infertile woman going on a rampage.  For those of us who believe in God as our higher power, we believe that God is a God of love and not hateful towards us. 

Do not say to us, "Just relax and you will get pregnant," "Just lose weight (or gain weight) and you will get pregnant," or tell us the story of another friend or friend of a friend who did these things and got pregnant.  Please, don't tell these to us unless we ask for this information.  It reminds us of our failures.  It also most times isn't an issue of our weight or relaxing.  Whatever you do, please don't tell us that we are trying too hard.  When we didn't try we were still infertile.  It didn't make a difference.  And, for many of us, trying involves medications that we must take to even allow our body to function correctly.  Without my thyroid medications, my thyroid wouldn't function.  The same is with some of the medications that help us to ovulate, produce cervical mucus, or have the normal hormones most healthy women have.

Whatever you do, be there for us.  This is only a short list of areas that we see most often and how you can help.  Another way to help is to continue encouraging others to read this blog.  Because infertility has remained such a tabooed subject and many couples keep it under wraps, some won't come forward and acknowledge to you that they are dealing with this.  Education is going to be the big key to changing the way society looks at infertility.  For the longest time I thought infertility was something that only I knew and felt.  When I began to educate myself to everything out there with regards to treatments, etc. I was opened to a whole new world.  I realized I wasn't alone.  We are here now offering all you out there the opportunity to join us in the place that only we knew for so long.  Help us make a difference.  Help us educate the world.  And most of all, just be there for us.